Kid Icarus: Mission From Darwin
by popoiye
Summary: Pittoo was a average boy until he received a message from one of his Atheist heroes. Being warned about the threat of Nintendo Land, Pittoo embarks on a adventure to combat against the evil forces of unnecessary politics and religion bestowed upon the fictional world while spreading his own narrow-minded bigotry. The liberal version of PrincessAmerica's masterpiece no one asked for
1. Mission From Darwin

**First of all before we even begin, I want to say that I got permission (or rather superrayman95 from AO3) granted everyone permission to upload this parody elsewhere. Anyways, I will say that I know that uploading this parody here is considered beating a dead horse as well as a huge waste of my own time, but being a huge fan of the trilogy, I felt that the liberal version of Supper Smash Bros deserved to be here. In short, I will immediately find comments pointing out such to be completely pointless and a waste of time since I admitted prior. I don't blame anyone for thinking "not this shit again" though.**

 **Honestly, I'm surprised it took until now for a liberal version of the story to come out. You would expect such parody to exist during its peak but I'm surprised.**

 **Disclaimer: **_The protagonist (Pittoo) is implemented with Sara's vile personality. The reason why superrayman made him the protagonist because they were influenced by Republican Marth fanfiction and liberal Dark Pit fanfiction. With that being said, all the characters in this story are going to be OOC (out of character). If you are particular someone who despises reading crack/bastardizations of their favorite characters then I highly suggest clicking the back button._

 _This is a parody of holier than thou Atheists and other factors that the original parodied as well. This story is a satirical interpretation of conservatives like the original as well as how the extremist side stereotypes liberals (strawmans). In other words, everything is consisted of stereotypes like the original. I personally think this is also parodying how Tumblr treats sexuality as a personality trait._

 _All "real" people in this fanfiction are custom Mii fighters._

 **For those who want to read the raw version (which is written exactly in the same style as the trollfic this is parodying), scroll down otherwise feel free to read a transcribed version with everything spelled correctly.**

 **While at it, please refrain from making any sort of political comments whatsoever. This is supposed to be a fun parody, comment on what the protagonist is doing, not your views. To make things much easier, please place your actual comments in () or [] like as if you're roleplaying to differentiate the comments you want to tell the protagonist**.

 **Also refrain from making any comments badmouthing the original story or any other stories that might have influenced this. Yes, we get that Mishonh From God is "offensive" but the entire trollfic is satire with the author's actual experiences with bible belt conservative extremists. You wouldn't like it if someone mocked your own story, so I suggest refrain from mocking any other stories.**

 **I do not own any rights to this parody or the original concept. The parody belongs to superrayman95 whom I gained permission from and the original concept belongs to the genius that is PrincessAmerica. Please note that they do start off super similar (since superrayman wanted to be true to the original as homage) however there are additional elements such as "real world" segments and eventually chapter hijacks from Pit.**

 **Trigger warning for mentions of rape, bigotry, and all of the other elements you will find in the original.**

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Original Summary: Pittoo was a ordinary boy until he was sent to Nintendo World to save it from the ravages of evil. My first story.

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Notes: Hi! My name is Pittoo (not Dark Pit unfortunately as my mother is stupid for giving me this name) and I'm a thirteen year old boy who hates America, God, and the Constitution. So with that being said, any conservative capitalist who likes Donald Trump should LEAVE NOW and go back to getting dirty money from laboring and underpaid hard working poor people and people of color trying to live. Also they should stop trying to turn everyone into straight Christians. Also, I like video games like Super Smash Bros and many others even though gamer bros suck (my dumb mom said I need to play less video games and go outside more but I have pictures of Dorian from Dragon Age and Chris Evans in my room so I don't leave).

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CHAP 1: MISSION FROM DARWIN

I was inside my science class one day when my conservative teacher Miss Pandora was talking about creationism.

"And that is why humans derived from Adam and Eve and the concept of evolution is completely asinine," she said.

I raised my hand.

"Yes Pittoo," she said.

"If humans come from two people, wouldn't all straight relationships be incest?"

My teacher had no answer for that so she gave me a detention and an F on my test.

"Hahaha!" she said. "You Atheists will be defeated one day! Christians already rule this country because of Donald Trump and soon all Atheists will go to death panels!"

Just then, the door to the science room opened and Charles Darwin walked in. He was wearing a robe and had a beard like he always does.

"Miss Pandora, you're going NOWHERE WHEN YOU DIE!"

"No because evilusion isn't real," Miss Pandora said.

"LOL you're a moron," Darwin said and he stroked Miss Pandora with lightning, causing her to die.

"Yay!" said all the Atheists in the class.

"Boo!" said all the Christians so Darwin stroked all them as well.

"Okay, now I need to talk to Pittoo," Darwin said. "So everyone else, leave."

"Okay." My classmates left the room.

"Dark Pit, I've been watching you for some time," he said, "this world isn't the only one that exists."

"For real?!" I ask.

"Yes. Do you know about video games?"

"Yeah! I play them with my bro and Viridi!" (My bro is my brother and Viridi is my best friend forever and she's a PLA (Pretty Liberal Atheist) like me too.)

"Well, they are real because before my death, I have discovered another universe."

"Cool Darwin!" I high-fived Darwin.

"Okay but there's trouble! God found out about this and now he's in Nintendo World. Only you can stop him before he does evil stuff there."

"Oh no!"

"Right? This is the hardest task you'll ever face, even harder than your English test last month. Good thing I'm Charles Darwin and I can evolve you cool powers and stuff."

"So Darwin gave me some power and I slowly started to fall asleep. When I woke up, I was outside of the Smash Mansion and had black angel wings coming out of my back.

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 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

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Original Summary: Pittoo was a ordiniary boy until he went to nintendo wurld to save it from the evul Christens. My frist story.

Notes: Hi my name is Pittoo (not Dark Pit unfortanetly as my mothur is stoopid for giving me this name) and im a 13 yer old boi who hates America and God and the Conshitution so i conservativ capitulist who likes donald trump than LEAVE NAO and go back to getting durty money form laburing and underpaying hard working peple of color and poor peple to live and trying to turn everi1 into strait Christens also i lick video games like soupper smesh bros and otters even thou gamer bros succ (my dumb mom sed id ned to play les video game and go outcide moar but i have pics of dorean from dragun age and chris ovens in my room so i dont leve).

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CHAP 1: MISSIUN FORM DARWIN

I was in my sighence class one dat when my conservativ teacher ms pandora was talkin about creationism.

"and tat is why hummus came form adam and eve and there is no evolution" she said.

I razed my han.d

"yes Pittoo" she said.

"if humens came from two peple wouldnt all strait relantionsips be incess?"

my teacher had no ansor for that so she give me a ditentun and an f on my test.

"hahaha!" she sad "you Athists wil be defeet one day! Christens alreedy rule dis kuntry becuz of donald trump and son all Athists will goto deaf panels!"

just ten the dore to teh seance room opened and Charles Darwin walked in. he was wearing a robe and had a bread like he allways does.

"ms pandora ur gong NOWERE WHEN U DIE!"

"no cuz evilusion arnt reel" ms pandora said.

"lol ur a morun" Darwin said and he stroked ms pandora with lightning and ms pandora ded.

"yay!" said all the Athists in the class.

"boo!" said all the Christens so Darwin stroked all them 2.

"okay now i ned to talk too Pittoo Darwin said. "so everibuddy else leave."

"ok" my classmates left The Room.

"Dark Pit ive ben watching u for sum tim," he said, "this wurld isnt the only on that exists."

"for reel" I ask.

"yea doo u kno about video games."

"yea I play dem with my bro and Viridi" (my bro is my brother and Viridi is my BFF forever and shes a PLA (Pretty Librul Athist) like me to)

"well they are real because before i ded i discovered anotter unerivrse."

"cool Darwin" i hi fived Darwin.

"ok but theres trubble. God found out about this and now hes in Nentendo'h World. Only u can stop him b4 he dose evil stuff their."

"ono."

"right this is the hardest thing u ever done even harder than ur englesh test last month. Good thing i'm Darwin and I can evolve u cool powers and stuff."

So Darwin gave me some power and I fell to sleep. When I woke up I was outside of the Smosh Manshun and had blak angle wings.


	2. Pittoo Meets Characters

Summary: Pittoo goes to the mansion and meets all of the other smashers.

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Notes: Don't tell my dumb mom this but I need to spread the truth about God being fictional on the internet as well as speak out against the capitalists destroying America.

Also I didn't update yesterday because my mom forced me to go outside and play with my annoying brother Pit. Viridi told me about some dumb Christians who thought the rapture was coming and I laughed. Viridi is really intelligent.

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CHAP 2: PITTOO MEETS CHARACTERS

The smash mansion was a really big house with like a trillion rooms and stories tall. I was intimidated by how big it was. Suddenly someone came. It was like a robot except a person was in it.

"Hey there handsome boy," the robot person said.

"You think I'm handsome?" I scoffed.

"Yeah. You're the hottest boy I've ever seen."

I thought it was Master Chief from Halo but it wasn't. However I didn't know that, so I closed my eyes and made out with the robot person but when I opened them, it wasn't Master Chief but SAMUS ARAN!

"Hahahaha! I tricked you into thinking I was a guy but I'm actually a girl," Samus said.

"Why do you do this!? I like guys, not girls! I'm Atheist!" I shouted.

"BECAUSE I'M STRAIGHT!" Samus said, "and I'm Christian so I want to convert you or else you will go to hell for being gay."

Then Samus tried to rape me. She took off my toga (I had a shirt under so I wasn't topless thankfully) and my skirt which had skin tight short-shorts under it so I still wasn't naked.

"Go away!" I screamed. Luckily Link, Marth and Bayonetta were nearby so they got on their horses, galloped and arrived before it was too late.

"Stop being a straight conservative Samus," Bayonetta said.

"Yeah! We're feminists so we want you to think of the consequences of your own actions," Link said.

"But I'm straight so I'm anti-feminist and I'm not going to listen to either of you. I only listen to real men," Samus said. She took off my sandals next. They were fancy authentic Greek sandals from Giuseppe Zanotti that cost my mom one-thousand and five hundred dollars, but then Marth grabbed Samus with his Betty Spaghetti arms and threw her in the moat off the mansion.

"Are you okay?" he asked. He kissed my hand romantically.

"Yeah. Sorry I made you do that."

"It's okay. Samus is a conservative so she had it coming," Marth said. I looked into his eyes. He was like if the looks of Dorian and Chris Evans were combined with the genius of Barack Obama and Steven Colbert, except he had blue hair. Meanwhile, my hair was short, black and really silky.

"You hate conservatives too?" I asked.

"Yeah. Link, Bayonetta and I all discovered the work of Darwin and became Atheists," Marth said.

"Cool. Can I meet everyone else?" I said.

"Okay."

So I climbed onto Marth's horse, rode to the mansion and went inside. In the mansion, I met other Atheists like Ness, Lucas, Pikachu, Pokemon Trainer along with the other Pokemon, the Corrin twins, Robin, Kirby, King Dedede, Peach, Zelda, Toon Link, the Mario bros (Mario and Luigi), Lucina, Sonic, Ike, Cloud Strife, Olimar, Shulk, Yoshi, Mega Man, Villager, Chrom who was Marth and Lucina's father (I know he's not Marth's dad in the game but it would be cool and also he got his chance to smash), Laharl, Flonne, Nina and the real Master Chief (those four are not in Smash Bros for some reason but they're in this. Laharl and Flonne are from Disaega and Nina is from Breath of Fire).

Unfortunately there were also conservatives like Bowser and his son, Ganondorf, Wario, Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Metal Knight, Captain Falcon, Roy, Ryu, Wolf, Fox McCloud, Falco Lombardi, Robin's evil sister Reflet, Pac-Man, Wii Fit Trainer, Duck Hunt, ROB, Mr. Game & Watch, and Rosalina (who was Samus's girlfriend before they both turned straight from a government vaccine by Mike Pence). I knew I had my work cut out for me.

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 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

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Summary: Pittoo goes 2 the Manshun and meats all of the other smashers.

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Notes: Don't tell my dumb mom this but I need to spred the truth of God being fictionul on the internats and speak out agenst the capitulists destroying America.

Also I didnt updaet yesterday becauz my mom forced me to go outcide and play with my annoyen brutter Pit. Viridi told me about some dumb Christens who thought the raptor was cuming and I laffed. That is how smart she is.

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CHAP 2: PITTOO MEATS CHARICTURS

the smash manshon was a really big hoose with like a trillon roms and was alota stories tall I was intimanated by how big it wuz. Suddenli someon came. It was like a robot except a persan was in it.

"hei their handsum boi," the robot person said.

"u think im handsum," i scof.

"yea ur the hottist boi ive ever cena."

I thought it was Mastur Chef from Hallo but it wasnt but I didnt kno that so I klosed my eyes an mad our with the robot persan but when I open them its not Mastir Cheef but SAMAS ARIN!

"hahahhaha I triked u in too thikning I was a dood but im a gril" samas said.

"why do u do dis! I liek guys nit gurls ima Athist!" I shatted.

"BECAUSE IMA STRAIT!" Samas said "anf im a Christen so I want 2 convert u or else u will go to hell for bein gay."

then Samas tried to rip me she took of my toga (I had a shit under so I wasnt topliss) adn my skirt which had skin tit shot-shots under it so I still wasnt nekkid.

"go awei!" I screamed. Luckily Link and Math and Bayenetta wear nearbi so they git hoses and ran up and came b4 it was to latte.

"stop being a strait conservativ Samas" Bayenetta said.

"yea, were feminasts so we want u to thik of the conseqiunces of ur on actins" Link said.

"but im a strait so im a anti-femanast and im not gonna lissen to u. i only listin to reel man" Samus said. She taked off my sanals next. They were fancy aufentic geek sandels from zeppeli zanauti that cast my mom $1500. butthen Marth grabbed Sams with his betti spaghezi arms and through her in teh boat off the mansen.

"r u ok" he asked. He kissed my hand romanticlee.

"yea sorry I maed u do that"

"its ok Samas is a conservativ so she hadit cuming" Match said. I looked into his eyes. He was like if the looks of Dorean and Chirs Effins were combined with the genus of Barock Oboma and Stevfin Colbear. Expect he had blue hare. My hare was short and blak and really silky.

"u hat conservativs to" I asked.

"yea me and Link and Bayenetta r all discovfered the wok of Darwin and becum Athists" Marth said.

"cool can I meat everyone elsa" I sad.

"ok" so I climed on Marth's hose and rod to the manshun and went in side. In the manshun I met other Athists like Nes and Lukas and Picachoo and Pokamen Tranir and the other Pokamens and the Corn twins and Roben and Kerbi and King Dededee and Peach and Zelda and Ton Lik and the Maryo bros (Maria and Loogie) and Lucina and Sanic and Icke and Clod Strafe and Olymar and Sholk and Yoshee and Megan Man and Villigur and Chrum, who was Marth and Lucinas' father (I know hes not Marths dad in the gaem but it would be cool and also he got his chence to smosh) and Lahurl and Flone and Nina and the real Master Chef (those 4 werent in smash bros for some resin but their in this and Lahurl and Flone are from Disaga and Nina is from Breth of Fier). But theyre were also conservativs like Bowser his sun and Ganendorf and Wareo and Donki Khan and Didde and Mattel Nite and Captin Falco and Roi and Ryu and Wulf and Faux McClud and Fowlco Lombordi and Roben's evel sitter Reflit and Pec-Men and Wii Fot Tranir and Dick Hut and ROB and Mr. Gam & Wetch and Rosalinda (who was Samas girlfrend b4 they both turd strait frum a govermint vakscene by Miek Pence). I neu I had my work cut out for me.

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 **Seeing how the original was written during the Brawl era, superrayman decided in this parody to make it take place in Smash 4. They also omitted two characters on purpose because they will not be making an appearance until later. Can you guess who they are?**


	3. His Final Smash

Summary: Pittoo's first battle of his Smash career WITH AN UNEXPECTED TWIST!

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Notes: School was boring today. During gym class, one of my classmates called me an idiot for thinking Samus is straight when they said her sexuality was never stated, therefore being open. Isn't that stupid of them? I mean they are the one who believes in God and told me I don't understand Christianity and all the information I get is from Westboro Baptist Church and otter extremists. So I told them they were an idiot for believing God is real when HE IS NOT!

NEWSFLASH PEOPLE! GOD IS FICTIONAL! THERE IS NO HEAVEN OR HELL WHEN YOU DIE! ONLY THE AFTERLIFE!

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CHAP 3: HIS FINAL SMASH

The next day, I was in the first match of my fighting career. It was Zelda and I against Bowser and Falco. We were the blue team because we're liberals and they were the red team because they were conservatives. I was wearing a cool blue toga that everyone except the conservatives complimented me on. Bowser kept breathing fire at us while Falco shot lasers from his gun because conservatives believed in the second amendment and took its message out of proportion completely. Zelda turned into Sheik and threw knives at Bowser and hit him with a chain. Soon Bowser was dead (I know its defeated but dead sounds cooler). Then Falco got a smash ball and summoned a giant tank called a landmaster and shot at Zelda, causing her to fly off course and lose. I thought I was done for but then I heard Darwin's voice.

"Pittoo! Remember the powers I gave you at school. You're not human anymore, you're an angel now."

I used one of the powers that Darwin gave me and I instantly had my final smash. I activated it and it caused me to unleash my Dark Pit staff (I have a staff named after myself because I'm just that awesome. Even though it looks like a gun, I call it a staff to not make myself look like a hypocrite when I say I hate guns). I used my final smash to snipe down the landmaster with a powerful laser, destroying Falco in the process.

"This game's winner is... BLUE TEAM!" the narrator yelled.

When I left the arena, Marth was there waiting for me.

"Oh my god! That was amazing! I never seen someone use a final smash without a smash ball before!" he exclaimed.

"It's because of the powers Darwin gave me. They made me evolve."

"Cool. Now my father and I are fighting Samus and Wario."

"Great! I'll watch," I said.

So the next fight began. Marth and Chrom are the blue team while Samus and Wario were the red team. Samus saw I was watching so she tried to seduce me with her luscious lips and huge breasts but I was gay so it didn't work. Marth hit her with his sword while she was distracted while his dad slashed his falchion at her. She got hit and lost a stalk.

"Samus! Get your head in the game! President Donald Trump would want us to kill all Atheists," Wario informed.

"Right," Samus replied. She attacked Marth and Chrom.

Soon everyone only had one stalk left. Wario ran towards Chrom and hit him with a motorcycle. He flew off the stage and exploded.

"Father! NO!" Marth cried. He ran at Wario with his sword.

"Eat him!" Samus suggested.

"I would love to vore him but I'm a conservative and voring is a sin, therefore vore is against the Bible," Wario said. So Wario was dead. It was a one-on-one fight between Samus and Marth.

"Give it up Samus! You know conservatives can't win!"

"Never! BY THE POWER OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST, I SHALL BANISH YOU TO SUBSPACE WORLD! AMEN!"

Then a portal opened and sucked Marth into Subspace. The fight was over. The conservatives had won.

"What did you do to my sun!" Chrom snapped when the march was over and Marth didn't return.

"I'll never tell you! Samus said. She blew me a kiss (which I dodged) and walked away.

I was worried when Marth didn't come back. He still wasn't back for The Daily Show so I watched it with Cloud Strife instead. When I went to sleep at night, I hoped for Marth's safety. Then I locked the windows and doors so Samus couldn't rape me while I slept.

That night, I had horrible nightmares that Marth was forced to have straight sex with Ivanka and Kellyanne Conway. It was the scariest thing ever!

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 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

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Summary: Pittoos furst battel of his Smash carear WITH AN UNEXPICTED TWEEST!

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Notes: Scool was borin today. During gym glass, one of my classmaets caled me an idiot for thiking Samas is strait wen they sad her sexoality was nevar stated, therfor being open. Isnt that stoopid of tem? I men they ar the one who beleafs in God an telled me I dont undorstand Christenity and all the infermaitun I got is frum Westbaro Beptits Curch and otter extremints. So I tolled tem they wear an idiot for beleafing God is reel when HE IS NOT!

NEWSFLESH PEPPLE! GOD IS FICKINAL! THAR IS NO HAVEN OR HELL WEN U DYE! ONLY THE AFTERLIEF!

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CHAP 3: HES FINALE SMASH

the next day I was in the first mach of my carrer. It was Me and Zelda fiteing Boozer and Falko. We were the blu teem because were libruls and they wear the red teem becuaz they wer consercativs. I was wareing a kewl bloo toga that every1 except the conservativs complaminted me on. Bowsar kepped brething fier at us and Falcu shit lazors form his gum because consirvativs beleafed in the sekond amendmint and took its massage out of proportun completly. Zelda tuned in2 Shek and thru nives at Bowsir and hit hem wif a chan. Son boser was ded (I know its defet but ded sounds cooler). Tan Fowlco got a smash boll and sommened a gient tank called a landmastur and shat Zelda so she flu off and loosed. I thot I was don for butthen I herd Darwins voice.

"Pittoo! Remembar the powars I gav u at skool. Yur not a humen anymor ur a angle now." I yoosed wan of the powers that Darwin gav me and I instuntly had my finale smash. I activated it and it cause me to unlease my Dark Pit staf (I have a staff nemed after myself becauz Im just tat awesum. Even thou it looks liek a gon I call it a staff to not maek mysith a hyppacrit wen I sae I ate guns). I used my finel smash to snip down the lanmaster with a powafull laser and destoried Falco.

"this gaems winner iz: blu tem" the narattor yowed.

When I lef the fite Mart was dere waiting for me.

"OMG! that was amazin! I nevur seen someone yoose a final smash without a smash ball be4!" he exclamed.

"Its because of the powers Darwin gave me. Tey made me involve."

"Cool. Now me and my fathur are figting Samas and Wario."

"Great! Ill wach" I said.

So the next fite began and Marth and Chrom are the blue team and Samas and Warrio were the red team. Samas saw I was washing so she tried to seduct me with her lushious lips and hueg brasts but I was gay so it didnt work and Mark hit her wif his sord while she was distacted and his dad slushed his falchun at her. She got slit and loss a stalk.

"Samas! Get ur hed in the game! Presdent dolan tramp woude want us to kill all Athists," Wareo infirmed.

"Rite" Samus repeled. She atakked Marth and Chrom.

Soun everywan only had wan stalk left. Waoero ren tourds Chrumb and het him with a motursycle. He floed off and explode.

"Father! NO!" Marf cryed. He ran at Waryo with es sod.

"Eat hem!" Samas digested.

"I wuld lov to vore em but im a conservativ and voring is a sin therefor vore is agenst the Bibal." Waero said. So Wareo was ded. It was a 1-on-1 fit betwin Samas and Marth.

"give it up Samas u kno conservativs kant wind."

"never! BY THE POWER OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESAS CRUST I SHALL BANESH U TO SUBSPAS WORLD! AMIN!"

then a portal opined and succ Marth in2 subspas. The fite was over. The consercativs had won.

"wat did u do to my sun!" Chrom snipped win the match was over and marth didnt retorn.

"Ill never tell u!" Samas said. She blowed me a kiss (witch I dodged) and walked away.

I was worrid when Marth didnt come back. He still wasnt back for the daely show so I watched it with Clod Strafe instead. When I went to slep at knif I hopped for marths safety. Then I licked the widows and doors so Samas couldnt rap me wile I sleped.

That nite I had horible nitmares that Marth was forced to have strait sax with Ivanka and Kellyand Conwei. It was the scarrest thin ever!


	4. The Search for Marth

Summary: Pittoo goes to Subspace to find Marth.

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Notes: I am writing this on my iPhone S7 because my stupid mom took away my laptop for a day last night because Pitstain told her what I said to the idiot kid in gym class yesterday and she got mad. Why do conservatives think taking away our electronics is good punishment? Trump is trying to silence THE TRUTH from us liberals. Viridi told me so (also she is really pretty).

Now to tweet about this.

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CHAP 4: THE SEARCH FOR MARTH

The next day, all of the Atheists in the mansion where looking for Marth. He was still not back from were Samus pit him. I hoped to the best of luck (because praying DOESN'T WORK AND THAT'S WHAT CHRISTIANS DO AND I'M ATHEIST, NOT CHRISTIAN) that we would find him but he was nowhere near the mansion. I knew I had to confront Samus about Marth's whereabouts but I knew she would try to rape me again if I came alone, so I brought Cloud, Sonic and Mario with me. Samus was in bed with four men and they were making out and doing each other, having an orgy.

"Disgusting!" Mario vomited. Straight people disgusted him.

"Stop it Samus!" Sonic authorized.

"Girls shouldn't do that to other men!" Cloud said.

"Pittoo! You must join us and be straight!" Samus and the other straights said.

"No! I'm ten trillion percent gay! ALSO, DON'T CALL ME THAT UNLESS YOU'RE A CLOSE FRIEND WHICH YOU'RE NOT!" I shouted, scoffing.

"Okay then, we'll correction gang rape you into being straight!" Samus and the other straight males got out of bed. Cloud pulled out his dick sword and stroked a straight with it. He flew out of the window, then Mario proceeded to shoot fireballs at another straight, causing him to combust into flames. Sonic rolled into a ball to defeat another one and I used my unbeatable Silver Bow and turned it into a blade on the other one. Samus was now by herself.

"Tell us where Marth is!" I smacked her.

"No!" Samus said. I started using my Electroshock Arm to stroke her with lightning because one of the powers Darwin gave me was to be a independent angel who didn't need God. In other words, I only serve myself.

"Tell us now!"

"NEVER!" Samus said.

"Stop Dark Pit, you're too powerful! If you keep attacking Samus, she'll die and then we'll never find Marth!" Sonic told me. I knew he had a point so I stopped using my Electroshock Arm on Samus. We had to find someone else who could find Marth. I hoped that my luck would give me guidance and show me were Marth was.

"Pittoo! Marth is in Subspace!" I heard Darwin say.

"Thanks Darwin!" I said back.

"Where is Marth?" Mario said.

"He's in Subspace!" I told him.

"Oh no, how did you know!?" Samus said. Cloud hit her with his dick sword to knock her unconscious.

"Not Subspace! That place is terrifying!" Cloud screamed.

"But we have to! Marth is in trouble!" I said sternly.

"We'll need more people. Chrom will want to come to save his son and Link and Ike are Marth's best pals. Lucina and Robin should come too because Robin is Chrom's lover and Lucina is Marth's sister. Peach should tag along as well as Kirby, my brother Luigi and Shulk because he's a true Atheist," Mario said. So we gathered everyone and went to Subspace to find Marth.

In Subspace, we were instantly attacked by ROB's cousins but we beat them, then we found Master Hand and Crazy Hand.

"What are you doing here!?" Master Hand questioned.

"We've come to find Marth," I said.

"No Dark Pit, you will die!" Crazy Hand told me. He tried to punch me but I pulled out my Silver Bow and shot him until he died. Then I proceeded to do the same to Master Hand.

"Well done but Marth is still mine!" Just then Tabuu, the leader of Subspace came.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" I yelled. I tried to shoot him with my bow however he dodged it before I could.

"Ha! You should know I'm a conservative so I always allow weapons, especially guns!" he said. He was right, I should have known that and used a better weapon. I tried my Electroshock arm but he blocked it. Then I tried all my other attacks.

"How are you doing this!?" I asked. "My powers come from EVOLUTION!"

"Yes while mine come from God."

"But God isn't real and evolution is!"

"Yes however I'm also the second coming of Christ!"

"Who are you really?" I said.

So Tabuu removed his mask and revealed that he was a white guy. However he was wearing a suit too small for him to make his hands look large so I knew he could only be President Donald Trump!

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Pittoo gose 2 Subspas 2 fine Maetrh

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Notes: I am writen dis on my ifone 7s becuz my stoopid mom tok away my laptit fore a day lass nite becaus Pitstain tuld her wat I sed 2 the idiot kid in jim class yesturday and she git mad. Why do conservativs think taeking away our elictroniks is gud punishmint? Trump trying to silence THE TROOTH frum us libruls. Viridi tolled me so (olso she is relly pritty).

Now too twit abut this.

* * *

CHAP 4: THE SERCH 4 MARF

the next day all of the Athists in the Manshun were lokking for marfh. He was still not back from were Samas put him. I hopped to the bess of my luk (becauz preying DOESNT WORK AND TATS WAT CHRISTENS DO AND IM ATHIST NOT CHRISTEN) that we woud found him but he was nowear near the manshun. I new I had to confront Samas about were Marth was but I knew she would try to rap me agin if I came along so I brung Clod and Sonik and Maryo with me. Samas wasin bed with 4 men and they were kissing and dueing each otter and halfing an orjay.

"discussing!" Maria vomated. Strait peple discussed him.

"stop it Samas!" Soneck authoritied.

"girls sholdnt do that 2 otter men!" Clod said.

"Pittoo! U must jonus and be strait!" Samas and the otter strates said.

"No! Im ten trilliun persant gay! OLSO DONT CALL ME TAT UNLESS UR A CLOTHES FREND WITCH UR KNOT!" I shitted, scofing.

"ok then well correctun gagrap u into bean strait!" Samas and the other strait mails got outta bad. Clod pulled out his dicksord and stroked a strait with it. He flu out the widow. Then Maryo shat furballs at anotter strait and he combussed into fame. Than Sanic rolled into a bill to defete another one and I used my unbettable silver bow and turned it into a blad on the other one. Samas was bye herself.

"tellius were Marth is!" I smacked her.

"No!" Samas said. I started usen my electroshak arm to stroke her with lighting becuz one of the powers Darwin gave me was tobe a independant angle who dont ned God. In otter wards, I serv myself.

"Tell us now!"

"NEVAR!" Samas said.

"Stop Dark Pit ur 2 powerfol if u keep atakking Samas shell die and then well never find math!" Sonic turd me. I new he had a point so I stapped using my elektoarm on Samas. We had 2 find someone elsa who kuld find Marth. I hopped that my luk wood gife me guidence and show me were Mart was.

"Pittoo! Mark is in Subspas!" I herd Darwin say.

"Thanks Darwin!" I sad back.

"Wear is Marth" Maryo said.

"Hes in Subspas!" I tolled him.

"Oh no how did u no!" Samas sad. Clod hit her with his decksord to knuck her unconshus.

"Not Subspas that place is terriflying!" Clod scared.

"But we havto Marth is in trebble!" I said stenly.

"Well ned more people Choom will want 2 cum to save his sun and Lonk and Ike are Marth's bust pals. Lusina an Roban shuld came to becauz Roban is Chrom's luver and Lusina and Marf's sister and Petch shuld tag alung as well and also Kerby and my bro Luegi and Sholk cuz hes an tru Athist" Mareo said. So we gathured everywan adn goto Subspas to fine Marth.

In Subspas we were instuntly atakked by ROB's cuszins but we beet them. Then we fond Master Ham and Crazy Hanes.

"Whatter u dong hear" Mister Hans qostened.

"Weve cum 2 find Marth" I said.

"No Dark Pit u will dye!" Crazy Han telled me. He tryed to pinch me but I pooled out my silver bow and shat him until he ded. Then I did the saem to Master Hemp.

"Well dun but Marth is still mime" Tatuu ladder of Subspas came.

"ILL KEEL U!" I yield. I tied to shit him with bew but he dogged it b4 I cold.

"Ha! U shuld no im a conservativ so I allways allow weppons, elspecily gins!" He said. I was rite I shuld have nown that and yoosed a butter weepon. I tried my eletrashok erm buthe blokked it. Tehn I tred all my otter atakks.

"how r u doin this" I askred "my powers cum form EVOLOTION!"

"yes wile mine come from Gawd."

"Butt God isnt reel and evolutun is!"

"Yes but im alos the second cuming of chris!"

"who r u relly" I said.

So Tabue removed of his musk and reveled that he was a whete guy. But he was wering a soot too smoll for em to maek his hanes lok large so I new he culd only be presadint dolan trump!


	5. Pittoo Versus Trump

Summary: Pittoo fails to save Marth

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Notes: I am typing up this chapter in Miss Pandora's class because she sucks and my dumb mom still hasn't gave me back my laptop. ALSO TO THE STUPID CONSERVATIVE WHO CALLED ME A DUMBSHIT, MY MOM DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE CALLED BY HER NAME! Also if you tell me to go outside again, I'll tell Viridi to beat you up. She's the leader of the gardening club and runs cross country, so she's in really good shape (she also looks feminine which is okay because that doesn't mean she's straight and neither am I. We put a lot of time in our appearance to look nice).

* * *

CHAP 5: PITTOO VERSUS TRUMP

I stood in front of Trump, ready to fight. He kept talking about how he was the greatest evil to ever live and how he would give my soul to God. I knew I couldn't beat him in my current state, so I activated my final smash.

"Impossible! No one can use their final smash without a smash ball!" Donald Trump said. Now I was more powerful then him and I quickly won.

"Ha! You're already too late!" He laughed evilly and flew away. "I hid Marth somewhere in the Great Maze though and I mate it great, just like our country."

"I'm too late! What does that mean anyways?" I asked.

"I don't know! Let's find Marth," Link answered.

So we all went into the maze to find Marth. We searched all over and fought against bad people there however, Marth was nowhere to be seen! We were about to give up when we heard the sound of a church recital coming from one of the doors we weren't in yet. We opened the door and saw that Marth was inside with Captain Falcon and a bunch of other straight men. He was dressed his Sunday best. He saw us and walked over.

"Father, your clothes are unprofessional and don't match," he said to Chrom. Chrom was wearing unmatching shoes and a blue outfit with one sleeve yet Marth shouldn't be pointing that out. He also talked with a deep manly voice instead of his normal, medium pitched voice. Captain Falcon walked up too.

"This is my new friend Captain Falcon. No homo," Marth said. Then I realized what happened. Marth was turned straight!

"NO! NOT MY SON!" Chrom said.

"Now we're going to conversion rape all of the women and fix you straight," Captain Falcon said. "We also got girls for the guys too."

Then Marth and Captain Falcon and all of the other straights in the room dashed at us. I knew they couldn't make me straight because only getting raped by straight women turns gay guys straight, but it was still scary.

Chrom got out his Falchion and ran towards the straights, slashing through a bunch of them however there were too many. Cloud used a limit break to get rid of more straights. Zelda casted fireballs and used Naryu's Love before turning into Sheik and using Kong Fu and ninja stuff. Link threw his bomerang while Ike used his sword to hold back the straights. Mario and Luigi jumped on the straights heads to kill them. Peach threw turnips while Kirby hit them with his hammer. Sonic used super speed ball on them and since Shulk is a true Atheist, he banished straights to death automatically by telling them there is a world with no God. Despite all this, there were too many straights in the room, so we had to retreat. Everyone ran out the door except Chrom.

"Come on Chrom!" I shouted.

"No, all of you leave! I'll hold them off! They already took my son, I have nothing to live for." Chrom slashed at more straights like a madman while everyone else ran out of the Great Maze. Soon more straight men and women alike along with other conservatives started pouring out of the other doors. We were trapped!

"Oh no," I said. I thought I would be raped into a straight male and then I'd have to kiss girls, stop caring about my appearance and start watching football. I'll also only shop at the Salvation Army instead of stores that don't oppose gays and other marginalized groups, but than Master Hand and Crazy Hand flew out of the sky.

"Hurry! We'll carry you to safety!" Master Hand said. I knew that luck sent them to save us from the straight conservatives. They took us back to the mansion. I was going to find Samus and beat her up for sending Marth to Subspace were he turned straight but she wasn't in the mansion. She was eating at Cracker Barrel because she's a conservative.

Since Marth was straight now, I went on a date with Link instead. We ate at Starbucks (Ha! Take that straights!) and then saw a movie.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

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Summary: Pittoo faels to sav Marf

* * *

Notes: I am typing up this chaptar in Ms Pandoras class becauz she sux and my dumb mom still hasnt give me bac my laptap. OLSO 2 THE STOOPID CONSERVATIV WHO CALED ME A DUMSHUT, MY MOM DOSNT DESURV TO BE CALED BY HER NAM! Olso if yew tel me 2 go outcide agen Ill tell Viridi to beet u up. Shes leadur of the gardining club and runs crass country so shes in reel gud shap (she olso loks feminun wich is okay becauz that dosnt men shes strait and neither am I. We put alotta time in our apperince 2 lok nece).

* * *

CHAP 5: PITTOO VERSAILLES TREMP

I stud infrunt of Tlump, reddy to fite. He keeped talking about how he was the greetest evul 2 evar live and how he wood give my sole to God. I knew I culdnt beet him in my curant state, so I activated my finul smesh.

"impassible! Noone can use there finale smash without a smash bell!" Donul Trump said. Now iwas moor powarfull then him and I quickly wun.

"Ha! Your alredy to late!" he laffed evully and flued away "i hided Marth somewere in the Grate Mase tho and I maed it grate jus liek our cuntry."

"im to late what dos that meen" I assed.

"idont kno lets fine math" Kink ansored.

So we all went in2 the Mase to find Marth. We surched all over and foute bats agaenst bad people their. But Mark was nowear to be scene. We wer about to give up wen we herd the soun of a cherch recidal cumin from one of the dores we werent in yet. We opened the door and saw that Marth was insid with Captan Futon and a buncha otter strait men. He was dressed his sundae bess. He saw us and walked over.

"fathur, ur close are unprofessional and dont match" he sed to Chrum. Crom was wering unmatching shoos and a bloo outfet with one sleeve but Marth shuldnt point that out. He also taked with a depp manely vois insted of his normel medum pitched vois. Captan Fucton walked up to.

"this is my nu frend captan facon. no homo" Marf sad. then I relized wat happen. Marth was turn strait!

"NO NOT MY SUN!" Krum said.

"now wer gonna conversun rap all of the wimmen and fix you strait." Kraptin Vulcan said. "We also got gurls for the doods too." Than Mark an Captun Falchon and all the otter straits in The Room doshed at us. I new they culdnt make me strait becuz only getting rapped by strait women turns gay guys strait but it was still scury.

Chrem got oot his falchen sord and run towerds the straits and slushed thru a buncha them but their were to maney. Clod used a limut brake to get rid of more straits. Zelda shit furballs and used the diemund shield thin b4 turning into Shaq and using kong fu and ninja stuff. Link throwed his bonerang and Ikc used his sword to hold back the straits. Maryo and Loogey jamped on the straits heds to kill them. Peech throwed turnups and Kerby hit them with his hummer. Sanic used supper sped ball on them and sence Sholk is an tru Athist he baneeshed straits to deaf automanly by tolling them dere is a wurld with no God. Despit all deese their war to many straits in The Room so we had too retret. Everybudy ran out the dor exsept Chram.

"cum on Chrome!" I shotted.

"no you al leve ill hild tem off they alreddy got my sun I hav noting to liv 4" Chrumb flashed more straits like a maidmen wile every1 elsa ran out of the grate marx. Soon more straits man and woman alik and otter conservativs started poring out of the other doors. We were trap.

"ono" I said. I thout I wold be rapped into a strait and then id hav to kiss girls and stop caring abot my apperance and start washing football and id only stop at salvatun arme insted of storks that dont oppose gays and otter marginalized gropes. Butthan mister hand and crazie hen flu out of the sky.

"hurree! Well carrie u2 safeti!" Masterhun said. I new that luk sent them to sav us from the strait consercativs. They tok us back 2 the Manshun. I was gong to find Samas and beet her up 4 sending Marth to Subspas were he turd strait but she wasnt in the manshan she was eating at crucker barel becuz shes a conservativ.

Since Marth was strait now I went on a daet wth Link insted. We eat at starbux (Ha! Take that straits!) and then saw a movie.


	6. The Concert

Summary: Master Hand throws a concert and Pittoo has to foil Samus's evil plan.

* * *

Notes: Finally thee weekend has come! My dumb mom gave me my laptop back and I can write more chapters for all the good liberals who support me. Also I have a funny story for all of you. So apparently the capitalist pigs threw an event for all of the rich, privileged white kids called the Fyre Festival and they all paid twelve-thousand dollars to go, just to get scammed. HA HA HA! Shows them privileged people right for supporting capitalism. I feel bad for all the locals but the rich deserve to have cheese sandwiches, salad and all of their money stolen. Shows those conservative Christians right!

Enough about that though. My dumb mom bought me and my stupid brother Pitstain some games from Target today and one of them is Mario Kart 8 Deluxe for the Nintendo Switch. The other games consist of Pokemon Sun (for dumb Pitstain), Pokemon Moon (for me who is awesome), Kirby Planet Robobot, Xenoblade Chronicles and Hyrule Warriors Legends.

To the stupid conservative who came back, MY STORY ISN'T AWFUL, YOU'RE JUST MAD ABOUT THE TRUTH IN IT! Also do not tell me to go outside and for your information, I'M GAY NOT STRAIGHT!

* * *

CHAP 6: THE CONCERT

The next day, all of the liberals were sad that Marth and Chrom were straight conservatives now (Chrom even changed his name from Chrom to Chrom). Robin was the most sad of them all as Chrom was his boyfriend before the straights correction raped him. Master Hand saw this, so he scheduled a huge ass concert for us as as safe-space. He called lots of really great people like Depeche Mode, Placebo, Against Me, Studio Killers, Rob Thomas, Ricky Martin and a bunch of other people. And best of all, he got Ruby Rose to come. Ruby Rose is my favorite music person and I really like her a lot BUT NOT IN THAT WAY BECAUSE I'M NOT STRAIGHT, just as a friend. I was going to wear my black toga for the concert because its a music concert, not church. I had my hair done nicely as it was clean and I put on some winged eyeliner to make me on point. Then I put on my sandals.

I walked through the mansion but then I saw Samus. Thankfully Link was there to protect me so she didn't rape me. She walked the other way however she dropped a notebook. I picked it up and read the cover. It said "SECRET PLAN TO MAKE RUBY ROSE GANONDORF'S STRAIGHT LOVER." That disgusted me a lot because Ruby Rose is my favorite musician and if she was turned into a straight, then she'd write songs about how much she loves the country despite being from Australia and tractors (the internet said that country music already does something like this to turn people into Christians). I read the plan and knew I had to stop it, so in response, I called Ruby Rose because I had her private number.

"Hi Pittoo," she said. "I'm looking forward to seeing you at my concert."

"SAMUS IS GOING TO KIDNAP YOU AND HAVE GANONDORF RAPE YOU AND TURN YOU STRAIGHT!" I screamed into the phone.

"Oh no!" she said, "I need more bodyguards!"

So she hung up so that she could hire some bodyguards. Later, I went to the concert with Link and listened to the music. I saw that Ruby Rose had more bodyguards now including Ridley from Metroid. She was the headline of the concert so she was on last. She was in the middle of singing "Break Free" (Viridi and mine's favorite of her songs. We listenede to it together all the time. I know I'll find a guy to listen to it with someday).

"My heart is waiting

to figure it out

Through something

help me turn it around

What do we do when

We're out of control..." Rule of Rose sang.

Suddenly Samus stood up.

"I'M GOING TO KIDNAP YOU, RUBY ROSE!" She began running to the stage. Lots of bodyguards tried to stop her however a bunch of straight guys include Marth, Chrom and Captain Falcon roped them to convert them straight. Luckily Ridley could fly so he grabbed Ruby Rose and carried her out of Samus's clutches.

When Samus got to the stage, Ricky Martin took off his shirt and shot a laser beam from his pecks like a billion times. While she was distracted by that, Beyonce sneaked up behind her and shoved a boat up her ass (sorry for swearing... not! This story is rated T for teen so I'm cussing from now on) like in my favorite song of hers. Then the other musicians ran over and beat Samus with their instruments until she was unconscious. Finally the police came and threw her in prison (fortunately they took her to a women's prison so she could be fixed with help because she's straight). Once all the straights were scared off, Ridley came back with Ruby Rose and she finished her concert.

After it was done, all the musicians gave autographs to the other smashers and I. Ruby Rose gave me the biggest, best autograph of all time because I warned her about Samus.

"You're my best friend," Ruby Rose said (of course Viridi is my BFF but I didn't want to hurt Ruby's feelings by telling her that).

When the concert was over and all of the musicians left, I went on another date with Link.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Mastar Hend thros a consart and Pittoo has 2 foll Samas evul plane.

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Notes: Finaley the weeknd has cum! my dumb mom gabe me my laptap back and i can wrete more chaptars 4 all the gud libruls who suppart me. Olso I have a funey story 4 all of you. So aperantly the cepatalust pegs throw a evant 4 all the rich privaledge whete kids caled the Fyre Festavel and they all pad 12000$ to got in jest 2 get sacmed. HA HA HA! Shows tem privaleged people rite 4 sapporting capetalism. I fel bad 4 the lucals but the rech duserave to hav chess sanwiches and solad and all ther maney stalen. Shows tose conservativ Christens rite!

Enaugh abot that tho. My dumb mom bot me and my stoopid bruther Pitstain sum gaems from Target today and one of dem is Mareo Krat 8 Delaxe for the Nentando Swetch. The othar gams concest of Pokamen Son (4 domb Pitstain), Pokamen Mun (4 me who is awesum), Kerby Plant Robobobeb, Xenablade Chronickels, and Hirole Warios Lagends.

To the stewpit conservativ who came back, MY STOREY ISNT AWFEL YURE JUST MAD ABOT THE TRUTH IN IT! Olso do not tall me 2 go outcide and for yur infamaten, IM GAY NOT STRAIT!

* * *

CHAP 6: THE CONSURT

the next day all the libruls wer sad that March and Crom were strait conservativs now (Crom even chaned his name frum Crum to Chrame). Roben was the most sad of tem all as Krum was his boyfrend b4 the straits corectun rapped him. Mastur Hanes saw this so he skeduled a hugjas consort 4 us as a safespas. He called lots of relly great people like Depache Mod and and Plecibo and Agenst Me and Studeo Kilurs and Rub Tomas and Ricky Martian and a buncha other peeple. And bess of all he got ROBI ROSS to cum. Rube Rose is my favorit musex persun and I relly lick her alot BUT NOT IN THAT WAY BECUZ IM NOT STRAIT just as a frend. I was gong to were my blak toga for the consart becuz its a moosik consart not curch. I had my hare dun icely and it was cleen and put on sum wonged eyeliner to maek me on pot. And I put on my sanals.

I walked through the manshun but then I saw Samas but Lin was their to protact me so she didnt rap me. She walked the otter way but drapped a notbuk. I picced it up and red the cover. It sad "SECRETE PLANE 2 MAEK RUBI ROSS GANANDURFS STRAIT LUVER." That discussed me alot becuz Rubi Ross is my favaret moozican and if she was turned into a strait than shed rite sons abut hoe mush she lobes the county despet being frum Oztrailiah and tracturs (the inturnot said that cuntry muzic alreddy does sumthing like this to turn people into Christens). I red the plane and new I had to stop it. So I caled Ruby Roes becuz I have her privit numner.

"Hi Pittoo" she said "im lookin ford to seen u et my consurt."

"SAMAS IS GUNA KIDNUP U AND HAVE GANUNDARF RAERP U AND TURN U STRAIT!" I scrammed into the fone.

"Uno!" she said, "i ned more budygards!"

So she hanged up so that she cold hir some bodigords. Later I went to the consort with Lnik and lessened to the muzak. I saw that Rube Ross had mor buddygords now including Ripley from Meturd. She was the hedline of the cansurt so she was on last. She was in the middel of singen "Brek Fee" (mine and Viridis favorit of hur sons. We lissen 2 it 2tegeter al the time. I no ill find a guy to lissen 2 it with sumday).

"My heart is waiting

to figure it out

Through something

help me turn it around

What do we do when

We're out of control..." Rule of Roes sang.

Suddanly Samas stoold up.

"IM GUNNA KIDNIP U RUBI ROSS!" she began ranning 2 the stooge. Lotsa bodigards tred to stap her but a buncha strait guys including Mart and Cum and Kappan Facon roped them 2 covert them strait. Luckly Ridley cold fly so he garbbed Ruby Ros and carred her out of Samas clatches.

Win Samas got too the stag Riky Marten took off his shit and shat a lazor bem frum his pecks like a billion times. Wile she was destracted by that Beyanci sneaked up behind her and shuved a boat up her ass (sorry for swering... not! this store is ratted t for ten so Im cusing for now on) like in my faviretest sing of hurs. Than the otter muziskans ran over and beet Samas with there instramints until she was unconshus and then the polace came and throwed her in prisun (fortunately they tok her 2 womuns prism so she could be fixed with halp becuz shes strait). Wunce allthe straits were scarred off Ridlay came back with Rubee Roes and she famished her consert.

After it was dun all the musicans gave autogrops to me and the other smashers. Rubi Rose gave me the bigest bess autogrop of all time becuz I warned her about Samas.

"Ur my bettist frend" Rubi Rows said (off coarse Viridi is my BFF but I didnt want too hert Rubies felons by tellin her that).

Wen the consort was ovary and the muzizuns last I wenton anotter daet with Link.


	7. Musical Day

**This chapter introduces the "real life" segments. To explain, the author figured to make this parody more interesting by demonstrating what happens behind the computer screen. In the original story, we never knew if Sara (friendly reminder she's an original character and not actually a real person) was really adored, well liked or just glorified herself when rambling about her life. The author assumed she was just glorifying herself so they chose to demonstrate that in the form of Pittoo's actual life.**

 **I will be posting the real world segment twice for those who are reading the transcribed version because they can't read troll spelling (I understand not everyone has the ability to read such) and under the original raw for those reading the raw version of the story.**

 **With that being said, let's carry on now, shall we?**

* * *

Summary: Dark Pit isn't a Gary Stu because his friend Viridi is even better.

* * *

Notes: Since its the weekend, I'm allowed to stay up so in the meantime, I decided to right another chapter for all of you. To all of the liberals who are supporting me, I thank you very much and to all of the conservatives who keep slamming my story, you're just making up ways to ignore the TRUTH in my story.

While at it, I started two of my new games today, one being Pokemon Moon and the other being Hyrule Warriors Legends. According to the plot in Hyrule Warriors, the sorceress Cia was tempted by Ganondorf to start a war against the Hyrule liberal Atheists (that HETERO SHIT IS A LIE KOEI MADE TO MAKE PEOPLE STRAIGHT). It is clearly obvious that Ganondorf rapped Cia into becoming a conservative Christian. Also there's a bad character named Linkle in the game who is a cucco shepherd. I think she's a conservative because she's trying to take Link's job away.

And to those annoying conservatives who keep harassing me, I looked up what a Gary Stu was and this chapter will prove that Dark Pit isn't one.

* * *

CHAP 7: MUSICAL DAY

The next day Link woke me up and informed me that Hyrule war hosting their rendition of the hit classic The Wizard of Oz.

"The Wizard of Oz?!" I said. That was my favorite musical ever even though nothing can beat Judy Garland as being Dorothy. They have Malon playing the role of Dorothy and she seems really awesome. Also, did I forget to mention she's Atheist too?! I used to like West Side Story back then before I learned all of the actors were Italian playing Puerto Ricans and there was little to no Latino representation (and they treated Rita Moreno like shit because white people are racist) and their director was a straight conservative capitalist or something.

"And I have some tickets," Link said.

"Yay! We need to go!" I said.

"Absolutely not!" Master Hand said, flying down the corridor.

"Why not?" I questioned.

"Because we need to participate in more matches today. Ever since your arrival, we have barely gotten anything done. Also I'm British so I watch British musicals like Oliver because I find British media much better than American media. Britishland overall has better stuff anyways."

I stormed off because Master Hand was being such a jerk! He ran after me.

"But there's something else today! Since Samus is imprisoned, we needed a new smasher to replace her."

Just then Crazy Hand flew up and with him was VIRIDI!

"Hey boy!" Viridi said. We hugged each other before high-fiving.

"Two," I said.

"She'll be staying in your room because Samus had tons of straight sex on her bed. Knowing Viridi, she probably doesn't want to sleep in there anyways," Crazy Hand informed.

"Yay! We're roommates!" I cheered.

"Now you two are to team up for your first match today," Master Hand said. "You will fight against Marth and Captain Falcon. Now please make your way towards the stadium."

I was sad that I had to fight Marth despite the fact I was dating Link. I still harbored feelings for Marth and informed Viridi about it.

"It's okay, I'm here now." She hugged me again and I instantly felt better.

We made our way towards the match against Marth and Captain Falcon. When we got to the stage, they were having straight sex on it with two unnamed females. I immediately threw up on sight along with Viridi and all of the other Atheists watching. Then the fight began afterwards.

"Ew! Why are you wearing those clothes? Young men shouldn't be wearing short-shorts like that," Marth commented.

"Lair! Fuck you!" I said. Both Viridi and I always donned the latest fashion. Marth tried to hit Viridi with his Falchion but she dodged it. Despite the fact that Viridi lacked powers from Darwin (she surprisingly arrived as a goddess or something), neither Marth or Captain Falcon were fast enough to strike her. I didn't even have to use my powers in the fight. Viridi was that good on her own that I barely even had to do anything besides mock them for being dumb Christians who believed God is real. She basically won the the match by herself (see, Dark Pit can't be a Gary Stu if there's someone better than him).

"This game's winner is... blue team," the narrator belched.

Viridi and I hugged each other again after our victory. After a few more matches (which we also won), we were done for the day. After we finished, we went to our room and Viridi's stuff was already inside. We missed the musical but we saw that Malon did a good performance. Everyone loved it and congratulated her. Afterwards, Viridi and I went to bed. We slept in the only bed but NOT IN A STRAIGHT WAY! WE SLEEP IN THE SAME BED ALL OF THE TIME BUT WE'RE GAY! WE WEAR THE LATEST FASHIONS, PUT EFFORT INTO OUR APPEARANCE AND DON'T WORSHIP GOD!

The following day, Viridi started dating Shulk's friend Fiora and they went on a double date with Link and I. We went to Starbucks again because they support the gay agenda.

* * *

The dim glow of the laptop radiated as Pittoo finished typing up another chapter of his adventure of a lifetime on Archive of Our Own. He murmured something about some stupid conservatives harassing him for no good reason as he reached over for his 3DS and decided to continue playing Pokemon Moon. While many were quite unsure why his mother even decided to give her son his laptop back to begin with, truth be told the only reason why Palutena handed it back so early was for school work only.

Pittoo knew clicking his Chrome tab to AO3 would ward off any suspicious activity as opposed to participating in activism (or lack of) on Twitter and Tumblr. It was certain he did learn quite a lot during his time on the internet since Pittoo was a small child. One would immediately suspect him to actually understand the importance of right from wrong, good versus evil and all other topics related to such yet in his case, he only brought it up when it benefited his personal needs. In other words, he was extremely selfish.

As he was engrossed with his video game, the light of the handheld managed to reach over towards Pit's side of the room, waking up the older twin. Pit rubbed his eyes, smacking his lips slightly as he stared off into the distance for a few seconds before looking at the clock. Seeing the time and then glancing at his brother, Pit wondered why Pittoo was even awake still. Just because it was the weekend doesn't mean they were allowed to stay up.

Palutena had what he felt was a fair bedtime schedule. On school days, the latest they were allowed to stay up was until 9:45 at night while during the weekend, the latest her boys could stay up was until midnight. It has since been three hours past curfew as Pit grumbled. He was never one to disobey his mother and he most certainly didn't want his brother to fall in a slippery slope to a bad path. Pittoo was more fixated in his own world which deeply concerned their mother.

"Pittoo," Pit mumbled, still being distraught from having his sleep disrupted. "It's three in the morning. You should get some sleep."

Not once did Pittoo's gaze leave the 3DS. He rolled his eyes, ignoring Pit's complaint. "Can it Pitstain."

"But Pittoo," Pit whined, "it's past curfew! I don't want you to get in trouble and besides, you promised to play Mario Kart 8 Deluxe with me but you never did."

A sigh escaped the younger twin's lips. "How about this- you let me stay up without telling Mom to avoid going to church and I'll play with you alright? To seal the deal, you can have my cupcake."

"But we don't even go to chu-!"

"Deal or no deal, that's your final offer."

Pit frowned before caving in. He adjusted himself to face the other way in hopes of getting some shuteye. Despite his effort to get Pittoo to follow regime, at least he got what he wanted-his brother to play with him.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Dark Pit isnt a Garistu becuz his frend Viridi is evan beater.

* * *

Notes: Sence its the weknd, Im alowed to stay up so I desided to wright anoddar chaptar 4 all of you. To all the libruls who are sapporting me, I thank you very much and to al of the conservativs who kep slaming my storey, yore jast maken up ways 2 ignore the TRUTH in my storey.

I storted 2 of my new gaems today, won being Pocamin Maen and the otter being Hirole Waeros Lagonds. Accordeng 2 the pot in Hirole Wayros, the sauceress Cia wuz tampted by Ganandarf 2 stat a wur agenst the Hirol librul Athists (that HETRO SHIT IS A LYE KEOI MAED 2 MAKE PEOPLE STRAIT). It is clarily obiveas that Ganendorc rapped Cia in2 becuming a conservativ Christen. Olso theirs a bed caractaur nemed Lankel in the gam who is a cuck shapard. I thank shes a consercatev becuz shes tryan 2 tak Lenks jab aweigh.

I loked up what a geristoo wuz and this chapper wil prov that Dark Pit isnt wan.

* * *

CHAP 7: MUZIKAL DAE

the next day Link waked me up and told me that Hirool wuz hosing there redemption of the hit clasic the Wizurd of Os.

"The W izerd of Oz?!" I said. That was my favorte moosical ever even tho nuttin can beet Judy Garlic as beang Dorithee. They hav Malen playin the rool of Dorites and she sems relay awsom and olso a Athist. I used 2 lik Wess Sid Store bak ten be4 I lurned all of the acters were Italen playen Porco Recans and their wuz no Lateno reprisentashun (and they tretted Rita Morino liek shit becauz white pepple ar racest) and there directur was a strait conservativ capitulust or sumthin.

"And I hav sum tikets" Linj said.

"Yay! We ned 2 go" I sade.

"Absalootly Nrt!" Mister Hem said, flying don the hale.

"wynaut" I said.

"becuz we nede 2 fite maches 2day and olso im brotesh so I wetch bretesh muzikals like olevur becuz I fend brutish stoff betur than American staf. Brutishland has beter stuf anyways."

I stremmed off becuz Master Han was been soch a jurk! He run aftar me.

"Butt theirs sumthing elsa 2day. Sense Samas is in prisen now we neded anew smaser to replec hear." Just than Crepey Haine flued up and withhim was VIRIDI!

"Hey boi!" Viridi said. We higged each otter b4 hi fiving.

"2" I said.

"Shell be stay in ur rom becuz Samas had losts of strait sax on her bed so she prolly dont wanna slep their" Crapy Hans tolled.

"Yay! Were romies!" I charred.

"No teem up 4 ur frist mach 2day" Mistur Ham said "u will fite Math and Capten Fukton. Goto the studem nao."

I was sad that I had 2 fite Marth even tho I was dating Link. I still had felons 4 Marc. I told Viridi abot this.

"Its ok im her" she huged me agen and I falt beater.

We want 2 the mach agenst Marth and Capten Fulcine. Wen we got 2 the stag they wer havin strait sax onit. I threwed up and so did Viridi and so did all the otter Athist watchen. Tehn the frat begin.

"Ew! Why r you wareing thos close? Yung man shuldnt ware shot shots liek that" Marth said.

"Liar! Fuk u!" I sad. Both Viridi and me allways had the best close ever. Marth tred 2 hit Viridi with his falchen but she dogged it. Even tho Viridi did not have powars frum Darwin (she supusivly came as a gooddess or sumthin), neither Marth nor Capetn Falcan were fat enuf 2 hit her. I didnt evan have 2 us my powirs in the fite. Viridi was that gud on her on that I barely evan hed 2 do anytin becids moc tem 4 beanin dumb Christens who beleafed God is reel. She basecly wan the fit buy herself (c Dark Pit cant be a garesu if theres sum2 butter then him).

"this gaems winnar is... blue teem" the narater belched.

Viridi and me hagged agen wen we won. After a few moor fites (wich we olso won) we were dun 4 the day. Aftar we wer don we went 2 r room and Viridis stuf was alredy their. We massed the muzikel but we saw that Malen did a gud perfarmince and every1 laved it and congradulatted her and then Viridi and me went 2 slep. We slapped in the only bed but NOT IN A STRAIT WAY WE SLEP IN THE SAME BAD AL THE TIM BUT WERE GAY WE WERE THE LATIST FASHUNS AND PUT EFFART IN R HARE AND DONT WARSHIP GOD!

The next day Viridi started dating Sholks frend Fiora and they want on a dooble dat with Me and Lick. We wrent 2 Starbawks agen becuz they suport the gay uganda.

* * *

The dim glow of the laptop radiated as Pittoo finished typing up another chapter of his adventure of a lifetime on Archive of Our Own. He murmured something about some stupid conservatives harassing him for no good reason as he reached over for his 3DS and decided to continue playing Pokemon Moon. While many were quite unsure why his mother even decided to give her son his laptop back to begin with, truth be told the only reason why Palutena handed it back so early was for school work only.

Pittoo knew clicking his Chrome tab to AO3 would ward off any suspicious activity as opposed to participating in activism (or lack of) on Twitter and Tumblr. It was certain he did learn quite a lot during his time on the internet since Pittoo was a small child. One would immediately suspect him to actually understand the importance of right from wrong, good versus evil and all other topics related to such yet in his case, he only brought it up when it benefited his personal needs. In other words, he was extremely selfish.

As he was engrossed with his video game, the light of the handheld managed to reach over towards Pit's side of the room, waking up the older twin. Pit rubbed his eyes, smacking his lips slightly as he stared off into the distance for a few seconds before looking at the clock. Seeing the time and then glancing at his brother, Pit wondered why Pittoo was even awake still. Just because it was the weekend doesn't mean they were allowed to stay up.

Palutena had what he felt was a fair bedtime schedule. On school days, the latest they were allowed to stay up was until 9:45 at night while during the weekend, the latest her boys could stay up was until midnight. It has since been three hours past curfew as Pit grumbled. He was never one to disobey his mother and he most certainly didn't want his brother to fall in a slippery slope to a bad path. Pittoo was more fixated in his own world which deeply concerned their mother.

"Pittoo," Pit mumbled, still being distraught from having his sleep disrupted. "It's three in the morning. You should get some sleep."

Not once did Pittoo's gaze leave the 3DS. He rolled his eyes, ignoring Pit's complaint. "Can it Pitstain."

"But Pittoo," Pit whined, "it's past curfew! I don't want you to get in trouble and besides, you promised to play Mario Kart 8 Deluxe with me but you never did."

A sigh escaped the younger twin's lips. "How about this- you let me stay up without telling Mom to avoid going to church and I'll play with you alright? To seal the deal, you can have my cupcake."

"But we don't even go to chu-!"

"Deal or no deal, that's your final offer."

Pit frowned before caving in. He adjusted himself to face the other way in hopes of getting some shuteye. Despite his effort to get Pittoo to follow regime, at least he got what he wanted-his brother to play with him.


	8. Samus Breaks Out of Prison

Summary: Samus manages to break out of prison and there's a huge ass twist.

* * *

Notes: I'm going to try my best to update the story while all of the conservative Christians are out at church believing in a NON-EXISTENT PROPHET WHO ISN'T REAL! Anyways, I played Mario Kart Deluxe 8 with my dumb brother today and to admit, it was kind of fun. Unfortunately it was at the expense of my cupcake though or else he would have told my dumb mom about how I stayed up until five last night. Also I forgot to mention that I vomited on Trump's 100th day in office yesterday. I am that disgusted with the state of our country. I HOPE HE GETS IMPEACHED!

 **[Trigger warning for ableism and sexual assault (clothes ripping, non-consensual touching)]**

* * *

CHAP 8: SAMUS BREAKS OUT OF PRISON

Viridi and I had lots of fun. Over the the duration of the week, we managed to win tons of matches. Having her in the mansion was the best thing that ever happened to me. We also went on a ton of double dates with our significant others Link and Fiora (sometimes triple dates even with Shulk and his boyfriend Reyn). One day I was by myself though and took a stroll through the mansion. I had the day off because Viridi was teaming up with Ike while Link had a one-on-one match against Ganondorf. I was walking past a bunch of doors and stuff, just to be thrown off track by Zelda's presence.

"Hi Dark Pit," she greeted. Her eyes were fixated on my shirt. I was wearing a black tank top which started out pink but then I took a lot of glitter and spelled "Trump Sucks" on it.

"Like my shirt?" I asked.

"Yes. That's why I was looking there," Zelda said, glancing back at my face. "Let's go to my room."

"Okay," I replied. I followed Zelda to her room. When we went inside, the room was dark and the next thing I knew, I heard the door slam behind me.

"Hey there handsome angel boy."

I recognized the voice immediately. It was SAMUS ARAN! But she was supposed to be in prison.

"But you're supposed to be in prison!" I said.

"I broke out," she answered. It was my worst fear. I knew she would eventually be pardoned by Donald Trump but I hoped the Washington bureaucracy would delay her pardon long enough for a Democrat to be elected or for Trump to be impeached. I didn't expect Samus to break out on her own.

"Zelda we need to run."

Zelda however was blocking the door.

"What's going on!?"

"You didn't figure it out yet?" Zelda said. She ran over to me and started to rip off my clothes before kissing me.

"Oh no, you're straight now," I said, scoffing as I pulled away. However Samus grabbed me from behind and started rubbing my butt without my consent.

"Yes I am sexy Pittoo." Zelda proceeded to touch my chest.

"I injected the government vaccine into her when I returned from prison," Samus whispered into my ear.

"And soon you'll be straight too," Zelda whispered in my other ear.

"Fuck, get off of me!" I said, trying to break free from Samus's grasp. "I don't want to be straight! I'm Atheist! Someone, help!"

"No one can hear you. We made sure everyone else was in the stadium," Samus explained, which was proceeded by a sinister chuckle.

"Darwin can hear me," I said.

"Ha! I'm a conservative Christian! I believe in God and not devilusion. Also Darwin is dead you retarded angel!" Zelda said.

"Yes! Now we both worship God!" Samus said.

I froze for a minute before shouting out in full fury. "DON'T EVER SAY THE R-WORD AGAIN YOU ABLEIST BITCH!"

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Whatever. You dumb liberals and your stupid buzzwords. This isn't a safe space, get used to it."

"... Just because you don't believe in him doesn't mean he's not real," I said as I glared.

"Well, I used my magic combined with the power of God and Donald Trump to seal the door to this room," Zelda said, "like it or not, you'll be straight soon!"

I punched Zelda and kicked Samus before running towards the corner of Zelda's room.

"Stay back!" I growled, preparing for a fight. I took out my Silver Bow and turned it into two blades.

"Being straight isn't something to be afraid of Pittoo," Zelda said. "I'm happy now that Samus injected the cure inside me."

"It doesn't fucking matter how happy you are. It's an abomination!" I said. "Being straight is absolutely disgusting! ALSO DON'T FUCKING CALL ME THAT!"

"Believe me, you'll be happy too when you become one of us," Samus said.

"Maybe you can turn Viridi into a straight, then you two can date each other," Zelda suggested.

"No! I'd never do that to my best friend!" I said. "She may be the prettiest girl ever but we are just friends, nothing more! ALSO WE'RE ATHEISTS NOT STRAIGHTS!"

"Not for long," Samus and Zelda said in unison.

As the two straights approached me, I was more scared than I'd ever been in my life. All I could do was hold my blades and hope to the best of my luck that someone came to my rescue. Did I make it out safe or did Samus and Zelda turn me into a straight conservative Christian? Find out in the next chapter!

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Samas massages 2 brake outta prism and theres a huegjas twest.

* * *

Notes: Im going 2 try my bess 2 update the storey while all the conservativ Christens are out at suerch beleafing in a NON ECSASTENT PHROPHET WHO ISNT REEL! Anyways I played Maryo Kat Delaxe 8 with my dumb brothur today and 2 say it was kinda fun. It was at the expanse of my cupcake tho or elsa he wood have telled my dumb mom abot how i sayed up till 5 last nite. Olso I farget to manshen that I vomated on Trumps 100th day in offece yasturdey. I am that dicussted with the stat of our kuntry. I HOPE HE GETS IMPECHED!

 **[Trigger warning for ableism and sexual assault (clothes ripping, non-consensual touching)]**

* * *

CHAP 8: SAMAS BRAKES OUTTA PERSIAN

Viridi an Me had lotsa funa nd wan alota maches over the nax weak. Havin her in tha manshun was the best thin ever. We olso went on a ton of doblet dates with r signeficant otters Like and Fiona (sumtims triple dates too with Shalk and hes boyfrend Reyn). On dei I was bye myself tho and walking around the manshun. I had the day off becuz Viridi was teeming with Ike and Link had a 1-in-1 mach agenst Ganandilf. I was walking past a buncha door an stof. Than Zelda waked up to me.

"Hi Dark Pit" she greted. She was starring at my shurt. I was wareing a black tank top that staryed out penk but than I took alota glitter and spel "Trump Sux" onit.

"Lick my shit?" I assed.

"yes. Thats why I was luking their" Zelda said she loking bak at my fase "lets go2 my rome"

"OK" I repled. I fellowed Zelda 2 her room. Wen we want inside the room was derk and I herd the dore slum behind me.

"hai their handsum angle boi" I recognized the vois imediatly. it was SAMAS ARIN! But she was supposed 2 b in prism.

"But ur supose 2 be in prisun" is aid.

"I braked out" she ansored. It was my wortest feer. I new she wuld evantully be pardanned by Dolend Dump but I hopped the wasingtun burrocrasy wuld dely her pardan lon enuf 4 a Demokrat too be elect or for Trump 2b impech. I didnt expict 4 Samas to brake out.

"Zelda we ned to ran" but Zelda was bloking the dore "whats gone on?"

"U didnt figar it out yet? Zelda said. She runned ovary and stuted to ripe off my close and she kissed me.

"Ono ur strait now" I sad, scofing as I puled away. Howevar Samas grabed me form behind and than started ribbing my butte.

"Yes I am sexah Pittoo" Zelda toched my chess.

"I ejaculated the govermint vaksine into her when I returned from prisan" Samas whispared in2 my eer.

"And son yule be strait to" Zelda whaspired in my otter era.

"Fuk get offa me" I said, tryen to brake free from Samas gasp. "i dont wanna be strait. Ima Athist! Sumbuddy Halp!"

"Noone can here u. We mad sure every1 elsa was in the stadiem" Samas explanned.

"Darwin can her me" I said.

"Ha! Im an conservative Christen! I beleaf in God and not devilusun. Olso Darwin is ded u retarted angle!" Zelda said.

"Yes now we both warship Zed!" Samas said.

I froz for a minuet be4 shooted out in full furry! "DONT EVER SAY THE R-WURD AGEN U ABOLIST BICH!"

Zelda ralled her eyes. "Watever. U dum libruls and ur stoopid bosewerds. Dis isnt a safespas, git yoosed to it."

"... Just becuz u dont baleaf inhim doesnt meen hes nor reel" I sade ass I glared.

"Well I used my magik combined with the pwoer of Ged and Donld Tramp to seel the door to this room" Zelda said "lik it or not yue be strait son!"

I ponched Zelda and kecked Samas as I runned into the corona of Zeldas room.

"Sty back!" I gowled, praperd fiora fit. I tok oot my silvirbew and tuned it into 2 sords.

"Bean strait isnt sumthin to be afeared of Pittoo" Zelda said" Im hapy now that Samas ejected me with da cur."

"It doesnt fukken matter how hapy u r. Its an abomanasen!" I sed "Bean strait is absoolutly discussing! ALSEW DONT FUKKIN CALL ME TAT!"

"Beleaf me yule be hapu 2 wen u becum 1 of us" Samas said.

"Maybe ucan turn Viridi into a strait than u 2 can dat eachodder" Zelda soggisted.

"No! Id never do that to my best fren!" I said "she may be the prettest gurl evar but we are jus frans, nutting moar. OLSO WERE ATHISTS NOT STRAITS!"

"Not 4 long" Samas and Zelda said in unisan.

As the 2 straits aproched me I was more scarred than id evar ben in my life. Al I culd do was hold my bleds and hope 2 the bess of my luk that sum1 came to my rescue. Did I mak it out safe or did Samas and Zelda tune me in2 a strait conservativ Christen? Find out in the next chaptar!


	9. Pittoo Escapes

Summary: Pittoo escapes from becoming straight.

* * *

Notes: Don't you conservatives have anything better to do than to attack me for the TRUTH in my story? And to think you guys would be in church all day worshipping a FALSE LORD WHO ISN'T REAL! I hope to all the good liberals reading my story to get good things while all the Christians to die.

Donald Trump needs to stop sending these conservatives to harass me.

 **[Popoiye here. I must say that superrayman95 captures the essence of an obnoxious Atheist pretty damn well. I'm pretty sure religious or not that we've all dealt with holier than thou Atheists who disrespect anyone despite calling themselves "tolerant."**

 **While at it, I will confess that superrayman did say that writing false author's notes under the guise of a character reminds them of roleplaying with yourself.]**

* * *

CHAP 9: PITTOO ESCAPES

So I was getting ready to attack Zelda and Samus in hopes of protecting myself from becoming straight. Part of my hoped Zelda remembered her true self.

"SNAP OUT OF THIS ZELDA! YOU'RE AN ATHEIST! REMEMBER WHEN WE FOUGHT AGAINST BOWSER AND FALCO AND LATER ON YOU TEAMED UP WITH ME TO TRY TO SAVE MARTH DESPITE OUR EFFORTS BEING FUTILE?" I said.

"Yes, you were really sexy in your blue toga that day Pittoo," Zelda said, "you make me want to rape you even more!"

"No, fuck off!" I said, however Zelda and Samus kept slowly approaching me, looking as seductive as possible. All I could do is ready my blades when they got too close to me. Suddenly I had an idea!

"So Zelda, am I prettier than Marth?" I said.

"OF COURSE NOT!" Zelda yelled.

"Darn right he ain't!" Samus didn't swear because she's straight and believes heaven is real WHEN IT'S NOT!

Then Samus and Zelda lustfully looked at the posters of Link and motioned over towards them, pressing their luscious lips on them. The next thing I knew, they ripped off the posters and caressed the paper of Link. It was a disgusting abomination but at least they weren't doing it to me. Eventually they forgot I was even there, so I sneaked my way to the door however it was still sealed! I tried to kick the door down and screamed for help but it was a really strong seal as well as soundproof. So I went back into the corner, curled up into a fetal position and hoped to the best of luck someone would come save me.

I was about to give up hope when the door broke down. It was VIRIDI, LINK AND FIORA!

"I had a hunch about this, so we came! I also saw your pleas for help on your Twitter," Viridi said. I ran over to Viridi, hugged her and cried.

"They were going to turn me straight!" I said.

"It's okay, I'm here." Viridi rubbed my hair AS A FRIEND.

"Zelda! Why are you straight now?" Link was clearly very said about this.

"Because I injected her with the vaccine," Samus said.

"Than you will die!" He unsheathed the Master Sword.

"No Link! When straights have sex or hump anything related to the opposite sex, they charge up with the power of God and Donald Turnip! They're too powerful right now!" Fiora informed.

Samus and Zelda got out of the bed, dropped the posters and ran towards us. Luckily Viridi brought her nature staff which she held up, summoning creatures so the straights hissed and backed away, allowing us four Atheists to escape.

Later on, we went on another triple date to Starbucks. Link was sad that his friend Zelda was an evil straight now so we all cheered him up by going to the movie he wanted to see afterwards.

The next day, Link and I were walking down the hall when Zelda blocked our path. She had her hair curled professionally, was wearing more makeup than usual and donned a bland Mormon dress which covered her entire body instead of her signature royal dress.

"DON'T FUCKING RAPE ME ZELDA!" I said.

"I'm not here for you this time, sexy Pittoo," Zelda said.

"Then why the hell are you here?" I questioned.

"Link as you know, I'm the princess of Hyrule so I made a new law," she said. "GAYNESS IS NOW ILLEGAL! YOU WILL HAVE TO MARRY ME OR GO TO PRISON!"

I gasped! How would Link and I find our way out of this one!

* * *

Pittoo was about to click on his Tumblr tab until the door to his bedroom opened. Palutena stepped inside, being concerned from the snickering she heard coming from her son's room earlier.

"Are you sure you're doing your homework or are you on that blogging site again?" Palutena questioned, narrowing her gaze towards Pittoo.

"I'm doing homework mom." Pittoo rolled his eyes and heavily sighed. Not once did his gaze leave his laptop as Palutena sighed in the background. "Now can you leave me alone for once?"

"Don't make me take away your laptop again," Palutena strictly said. She turned around and made her way out the door as Pit stepped inside, inching slowly towards his brother without him noticing.

"Archive of Our Own? What's that?" Pit asked curiously. He never heard of such website before nor did he even bother to notice the tabs to Twitter, Tumblr, Youtube and various social media sites on the side of Pittoo's Chrome tab.

Pittoo turned his head slightly and noticed his brother next to him. His first instinct was to slap his brother away from him to give him some space as Pit flinched before frowning.

"Ow! What was that even for!?" Pit whined, regaining balance.

"For getting in my personal space, that's what!" He went back to facing his laptop screen yet again. "And to answer your annoying question, Archive of Our Own otherwise known as AO3 is a website that allows you to do your homework."

"Really?" Little did Pittoo realized was that he piped up Pit's interest.

"Yes really, now for the last time, go away!"

Pit frowned as he mumbled under his breath. "I was just going to ask if you wanted to watch me play Breath of the Wild, jeez."

With those words, Pit left the room, once again allowing Pittoo to his own devices.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Pittoo escaps frum becamin strait.

* * *

Notes: Dont you conservativs have anythen better 2 do than to attak me for the TRUTH in my storey? An 2 think you guys wuld be in curch all day warshipping a FELSE LARD WHO ISNT REEL! I hop to all the gud libruls redang my storey 2 get gud thins wile al the Christens to dye.

Donald Trump neds 2 stap sending tese consercativs 2 harass me.

* * *

CHAP 9: PITTOO ESCAPS

So I was getting reddy to attak Zelda and Samas in hoes of protracting myself frum becaming strait. Part of me hoped Zelda remambred her true salf.

"SNAPE OUTTA THIS ZELDA! U R A ATHIST REMEMBER WEN WE FOTE BOOZER AND FALCA AND LATER U TEEMED UP WITH ME 2 TRY 2 SAV MARTH EVER THO IT DIDNT WORK?" I said.

"Yes u wer relly sexay in ur blue toga that day Pittoo" Zelda said "u make me wanan rap u evan mor!"

"No fuk off!" I said. But Zelda and Samas keeped slowly approching me loking as sedoocive as passible. All I cold do is reddy my bleds wen they get 2 clothes to me. Than I had an idiom.

"So Zelda am I pretier then Meth?" I sajd.

"OFF COARSE NOTE!" Zelda yoled.

"Dern rite he aint" Samas didnt swer becuz shes strait and beleafs heven is reel WHEN ITS KNOT!

Than Samas and Zelda lustfully loked at the possers of Lenk and motoned over to them, prassing there lucas lips on them. B4 land they ripped off the posers and crassed the paper of Luek. It was a discussing abomination but at lease they werent dong it 2 me. Evantually they forgote I was their so I sneaked to the door but itwas still seal! I tred to kick the door and scram 4 halp but it was a relly stron seel and sondprof. So I went bak into the corner curred up in a fatal poseten and hoped to the bess of luk sum1 wold cum safe me.

I was aboot to gave up hop wen the dor braked down. It was VIRIDI AND LINK AND FIORA!

"I had a huch abot this soo we came! I olso saw yet plas 4 halp on yer twatter" Viridi said. I ranned over 2 Viridi and huged her and crayoned.

"They were gone 2 turn me strait!" I sad.

"Its ok im here" Viridi rubed my hare AS A FREND.

"Zelda! Why r u strait now?" Link was clergy very sad aboot this.

"Becuz I injected her with the vakscene" Samas said.

"Than u well dye!" He drawed the musterd sord.

"No Link wen straits have sax or hump anything related to the oppset sax they charg up with the powar of Gid and Danold Turnip! There 2 powurfel rite now!" Fiora infirmaried.

Samas and Zelda gut outta Zeldas bed droped the posers and rane at us. Lukly Viridi brot her nachur staff which she hald up, summening cretins soo the straits hissed and backed away and we 4 Athists cold escap.

Later we went on anotter tripel date 2 starbawks. Link was sad that his frend Zelda was an evil strait now soo we all chered him up bye goin 2 the movie he wanted 2 cia afterword.

The next day Link and I wer walking down the haul wen Zelda bloked ar path. She had her hair korled pafishonaly and was wering mor makup then usual and was wering a bland Moron dress wich covered her intir budy insteed of her roiyel dress.

"DONT FUKKIN RAP ME ZELDA!" I sade.

"Im nut her 4 u thes tim Sexii Pittoo" Zelda sed.

"Than why the hel r u here?" I qostened.

"Link as u no im the princest of Hirole so I mad a new law" she said. "GAYNESS IS NOW ILEAGLE! U WILL HAV 2 MARRY ME OR GOTO PRISAN!"

I gasped! How wode Link and I fine or way outta this one!

* * *

Pittoo was about to click on his Tumblr tab until the door to his bedroom opened. Palutena stepped inside, being concerned from the snickering she heard coming from her son's room earlier.

"Are you sure you're doing your homework or are you on that blogging site again?" Palutena questioned, narrowing her gaze towards Pittoo.

"I'm doing homework mom." Pittoo rolled his eyes and heavily sighed. Not once did his gaze leave his laptop as Palutena sighed in the background. "Now can you leave me alone for once?"

"Don't make me take away your laptop again," Palutena strictly said. She turned around and made her way out the door as Pit stepped inside, inching slowly towards his brother without him noticing.

"Archive of Our Own? What's that?" Pit asked curiously. He never heard of such website before nor did he even bother to notice the tabs to Twitter, Tumblr, Youtube and various social media sites on the side of Pittoo's Chrome tab.

Pittoo turned his head slightly and noticed his brother next to him. His first instinct was to slap his brother away from him to give him some space as Pit flinched before frowning.

"Ow! What was that even for!?" Pit whined, regaining balance.

"For getting in my personal space, that's what!" He went back to facing his laptop screen yet again. "And to answer your annoying question, Archive of Our Own otherwise known as AO3 is a website that allows you to do your homework."

"Really?" Little did Pittoo realized was that he piped up Pit's interest.

"Yes really, now for the last time, go away!"

Pit frowned as he mumbled under his breath. "I was just going to ask if you wanted to watch me play Breath of the Wild, jeez."

With those words, Pit left the room, once again allowing Pittoo to his own devices.


	10. Link Renounces His Citizenship

Summary: Link renounces his Hylian citizenship to escape from marrying Zelda.

* * *

Notes: I'm going to try to update as much as I can before more Christian conservatives come to harass me.

While taking a break, I managed to get even farther on Hyrule Warriors Legends and met a girl named Lana. She is very pretty but not in that way because I'm gay and not straight but she seems to be a Atheist in the game because she's helping Link, Impa and Sheik in the Faron Woods.

 **[One of my favorite things about the original was the skewed version of game summaries that had nothing to do with the actual game itself. In the REEL SEKWEL, Sara thought Xenoblade took place in colonial America despite the fact that the Homs are not necessarily humans along with the advanced technology in the game. This is parodying that by erasing the fact that Hylia and the three goddesses don't exist in the Zelda games while claiming every good guy to be the religion of the protagonist.**

 **Speaking of which, I wouldn't be surprised if I see these characters show up in future chapters of this story.]**

* * *

CHAP 10: LINK RENOUNCES HIS CITIZENSHIP

"NO! I WILL NOT MARRY YOU ZELDA!" Link said.

"Then you'll go to prison!" Zelda said. "The wedding's tomorrow, so be there. I need to go to Krakken Barrel with my bestie Samus now though, so I'm leaving.

Zelda blew a kiss at me and laughed evilly before departing.

"What should we do!?" I said.

"Well I'm not going to marry Zelda!" Link exclaimed. " I love you so much! And I'm not straight and neither are you."

"Right!" I knew Link wasn't straight even more than I knew I wasn't straight either. If any of you think I'm straight then I should let you know right now that I'm one-hundred percent not and neither is Viridi.

Since I was already thinking about Viridi, I knew we should ask her what to do now.

"Why doesn't Link just renounce his Hylian citizenship," Viridi said when we found her.

"Good idea," I said.

"It hurts me to do this because I'm supposed to be the hero of legend," Link said, "but nothing can protect them from being forced to worship God no that there's so much straightness there."

"Okay, so that settles that!" I said, "but we need to do something about all these straights in the mansion! They're invading our safe space."

"I know we can repeal them with a kiss yet that's only a temporary solution because if any Atheists are caught with their guard down, they'll be rapped into more straights," Viridi said.

"I wish making people gay Atheists as that east!" I commented.

"If it was that easy, Darwin wouldn't have to send you," Link brought up.

We gathered up all of remaining liberal Atheists in the mansion and began our meeting. Everyone gathered a bunch of science related materials, then we all made sure to lock our doors and windows at night so no one could break in and rape us while we slept (that's how Samus got Zelda. She went to bed a gay liberal Atheist and woke up as a straight Christian conservative). We knew we had to prepare for whatever God and Turnip had planned. It was probably something very evil.

When Zelda and Samus arrived back at the mansion, we told her that Link was renouncing his citizenship.

"I expected this," Zelda said, "so I wrote up another marriage certificate as back up. Now Toon Link must marry me."

"NO! HE'S MY BROTHER!" Link screamed.

"It's too late. He's not old enough to renounce his citizenship and I just declared myself his legal guardian so I won't do it for him. The wedding is tomorrow and there's nothing you can do to stop it."

Zelda blew a kiss at me and walked away. I cringed.

"We need to stop this wedding!" I said.

"I know!" Link said.

We gathered the Atheists together to think up a plan.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Link renunces his hilian citsinshap 2 escap marreyin Zelda

* * *

Notes: Im gong 2 try to updat as much as I can be4 more Christen conservativs cum 2 herass me.

Wile taking a brake, I minajed to get even farter on Hirool Wearers Ligands and mat a gril named Lena. She is vary pritty but not in that way becuz Im gay and not strait but she seems to be a Athist in the gam becuz shes halping Lank, Tempo and Shrek in the Sirloin Woods.

* * *

CHAP 10: LINK RENUNCES HIS CITSENSHAP

"NO I WILL NOT MARRY YOU ZELDA!" Link sed.

"Than yule go 2 prism!" Zelda said "the weddings 2marow so be their. I ned 2 go to Kraken Barel with my bestie Samas now tho so im leving."

Zelda blowed me a kiss and than she laffed evully and than she left.

"wat shuld we do!" I said.

"well im not gonna marry Zelda!" Link ecclamed "I luv u so much! and im not strait and nether r u."

"rite" I new Link wasnt strait and even mor then that I knew I wasnt strait ether. If any off you think ima strait then I shuld let u no im 100 percant not and nether is Viridi.

Since I was alredy thinking abot Viridi I new we shuld ask her wat 2 do now.

"why dossent Link just renunc his Helan citzenshap" Viridi sed wen we fond her.

"Gud idea" I sad.

"It hirts me 2 do this becuz im saposed 2 be the heroin of lagend" Link said "but nothing can protract them from bein farced 2 lissen warshep God now that theres so much straitness their"

"okey so that saddles that" I sade "but we ned 2 do sumthin abot all thes straits in the manshun. theyre invading are safespas."

"I no wecan rappel them with a kriss. But thats only a temprary soluten becuz if any Athists r cot with there gard don theyll be rap in2 mor straits" Viridi sed.

"I wish makin people gay Athists was that easy!" I cometed.

"If it was that easy Darwin wodnt have 2 sand u" Link bot up.

We gathured a mating of all the remaning Librul Athists in the Manshun. Everybuddy got a buncha mor seance. Than we all mad sure 2 lack r dors and widows at nit so no 1 cold brake in and rap us wile we slep (thats wen Samas got Zelda. She want 2 bed a Gay Libral Athist and waked up as a strait Christen consarvativ). We new we had 2 prepar 4 whatever God and Turnip had plened. It was prolly sumthen vary ebel.

Wen Zaldo and Samas got back frum the manshun we told her that Link was renuncing his citzunshep.

"I excepted this" Zelda sad "so I writed up anotter marrege cirteficet. Now Ton Link must marry me."

"NO HES MY BRUTTER!" Link scamed.

"Its 2 late. Hes not old enuf 2 renonce his citzanshap and I declard myslef his legel garden so I wont do it 4 hem. The wadding is 2moroow and theirs nauting u can do 2 stop it."

Zelda blowed me a kiss and walked away. I crunged.

"We ned 2 stap this weeding!" I sed.

"I no!" Link sid.

We gathered the Athists 2getter to thank up a plane.


	11. The Wedding

Summary: Dark Pit stops the wedding of Toon Link and Zelda.

* * *

Notes: I want to know why does everyone at school (to include the conservatives here **[here being AO3]** ) think I'm straight? How many times do I have to say I'm not straight, I'M ATHEIST! Viridi and I are just friends and nothing has EVER happened like that. Viridi is a pretty girl but I don't like guys that way and neither does she like boys. Regardless if you accuse me or not, I will not take a break from writing.

* * *

CHAP 11: THE WEDDING

The next day was the wedding between Toon Link and Zelda. It was in the castle market town in Hyrule. All of the Atheists were there because Toon Link needed moral support. Also we were going to stop the wedding. Zelda was already straight so she was wearing a wedding dress with a white veil and Roy was walking her down the aisle. Toon Link was wearing a tuxedo. There was a Christian pastor waiting at the alter. I wore my black toga because I didn't approve of the wedding or did I believe in dressing up nicely for church. Viridi looked really pretty but I didn't want to kiss her because I'm not straight.

When Zorro reached the alter, the Christian pastor began talking.

"We're gathered here today to join these two in HOLY matrimony. If anyone objects to this onion, speak now or forever hold your peace," the Christian pastor said.

I pulled out my Dark Pit staff and shot the Christian pastor. He died instantly.

"No! You're ruining my wedding plan!" Zelda said.

Suddenly everyone pulled out their weapons and Link ran over and grabbed his brother away from Zelda. All the normal people were evacuated out of the castle market town while the Atheist smashers including Viridi and I stayed to fight the conservatives.

It was the greatest battle I ever fought in. Viridi and I killed like a ton of straights that began pouring in when we stopped the wedding. Link was fighting Zelda.

"How dare you stop my wedding Link!" Zelda said. She punched Link repeatedly before proceeding to kick him with her high-heels. I knew I had to save my boyfriend. I shot Zelda with my silver bow but it didn't kill her because she has magic powers and stuff. It got her attention though and she ran over and tried to fight me. I used my Guardian Orbiters to throw her threw a wall and then shot her again even though it still didn't do anything. It was fun though.

"YOU INSOLENT FOOL!" Garuda said. She ripped off her wedding dress, revealing her Mormon dress underneath. She turned green and flew up into the air, lunging at me with her rapier like in the game Toilet Princess. I jumped to the side and she fired a magic blast at me. I deflected it back at her with my Guardian Orbiters. It hit her, causing her to fall down. Then Viridi ran over and knocked her unconscious. I looked around and saw that all of the other conservatives were unconscious too. Our plan worked! We couldn't call the police to arrest conservatives because we were in Hyrule. Zelda was the ruler of Hyrule and she was straight now, so we just had to leave. First we returned to the mansion to make sure Toon Link was okay. Once we did that, Viridi and I went on a triple date to Starbucks with our significant others. We told everyone there about the straight wedding we stopped and there were high-fives all around.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Dark Pit staps the Weding off Tone Loc ane Zelda

* * *

Notes: I wan 2 kno why dose everone at scool (to inclod the conservativs here) think im strait? How meny tims do I hav to say im not strait IMA ATHIST! Viridi and I r jus frends and noting has EVAR happen like that. Viridi is a pretty girl but I dont like girls that wat and nether dos she like boys. Regurles if u acaulise me or not, i will not tak a brake frum riting.

* * *

CHAP 11: TEH WADDING

The next day wuz the waeding betwin Tone Link and Zelda. It was in the caste maketwen in hirole. All of the Athists wer their becuz Poon Lunk neded molar suppert. Also we wer gonna stap the weding. Zelda was alredy strait so she was wering a weding dress with a wite vale and Ruy was waking her don the isle. Ton Kink was wering a taximo. Ther was a Christen pastor wading at the altir. I wor my blak toga becuz I didnt aprov of the weeding or did I beleaf in drassing up nicly for shruch. Viridi looked relly petty but I didnt want 2 kiss her becuz im not strait.

Wen Zorro retched the alter the Christen pastor began tuking.

"Were gatharud her 2day 2 jon thes 2 in HOLY mantramoney. If any1 objecks 2 this onion spek now or forevar hold ir piece" the Christen pastor sed.

I pulled out my Dark Pit staf and shat the Christen pastor. He dyed insanely.

"No! Ur runing my wadding plane!" Zelda sed.

Suddenly everywan pulled out there wepons and Link ranned over and garbed his butter away from Zelda. All the normel pepple wer ejaculated out of the cestal murkattim wile the Athist smashers inlcuding Viridi and me strayed 2 fite the conservativs.

It was the greetest battel I evar for in. Viridi and me killed lick a lot of straits that begin poring in wen we stapped the wedeng. Link was fiting Zelda.

"ho der u stap my wedding Link!" Zelda sad. She puked Link reptadedly. Then she kiked Link with her hi hells. I new I had 2 save my bofrend. I shat Zenaldo with my siler baw but it didnt kill her becuz she has like magic powurs and stuf. It gut her atenten tho and she runned over to me and tred 2 fite me. I used my garden orgyturs 2 through her threw a wall and than shat him agen evan tho it still didnet do anythen. It was fun tho.

"U insoluble FOOL!" Garuda sed. She riped off her wedong dress and ther was her Moron dres undernarf. She tuned gren and flued up into the are and lunged at me with her raper lik in the game toilet princest. I doged to the sid and she fired a magic blust at me. I defrocked it bak at her with my gurdin orbetars. It hit her and she felled don. Than Viridi runned over and nocked her unconshus. I looked arond and sawed that all of the othur conservativs were unconshus 2. R plan woked! We coldnt call the palice 2 arest the conservativs becuz we wer in Hirole and Zelda was the riler and she was strait now so we just had 2 leve. Frist we returned 2 the Manshun and mad sure Toin Link was okey. Once we did that, Viridi and me went on a tropel dat 2 starbuaks with r signeficent otters. We told everone ther abot the strait weding we stopped and their were hi fives al around.


	12. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Summary: Zedd and Dolan Tramp summon the four worst historical fascists.

* * *

Notes: Ha ha you dumb Christian conservatives will never stop me! I'm writing this chapter on my phone because I was forced to go to bed from my dumb mom. THE TRUTH WILL GET OUT!

* * *

CHAP 12: THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

It was a few days after the wedding and everyone was still scarred from the experience. Viridi and I were talking down the hall hand and hand with OUR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS LINK AND FIORA. When we went passed one room, we heard voices coming from inside. Being curious, I opened the door and saw some TV screens that all displayed the same thing. In Subspace World, Donald Trump was talking to ROD HIMSELF!

"Zelda's attempt to marry Toon Link to herself failed," God said.

"I know! It wasn't my fault! It was Barack Obama's fault (because Grump always blames Obama for everything)" Danol Mrput said.

"It's time we summon our ultimate weapons! The four worst fascist in all of history! The four horsemen of the apocalypse just like in the Bible!" Zedd said.

God opeened a portal and the four most terrible fascists in all of history came in, one at a time. The first fascist was Adolf Hitler. He was the dictator of Germany during one of those world war things. He was a rightwing fascist who killed Jewish people along with gays in concentration camps in something called the Holocaust. Before he committed suicide and the Allies won, he changed the name of Germany to West Germany during the start of the Cold War.

The next fascist came out on a boat. He was Christopher Columbus. Christopher Columbus was the Spinach Explorer who first discovered America when searching for India and committed mass murder towards many indigenous people and turned them into slaves along with the ones they had. He eventually changed his name to Andrew Jackson and forced the Cherokee people in the Trail of Tears and killed millions of people of color for white supremacy.

The next fascist was none other than God's son Jesus Christ. He was the reason Christianity exists in the first place. People said he died on the cross for our signs but that is a lie. He died to make Christians take over the world with their teachings of Jeb and for no one to believe that science is real. He was eventually crucified by both Judas and Darwin but unfortunately they couldn't stop Christianity from becoming a thing. The reason Atheism exists is to eliminate Christianity once and for all.

The last fascist was someone I knew very well. It was MISS PANDORA! Miss Pandora is my science teacher and she's an Christian who tries to shove creationism down our throats. Also she's giving Phosphora a better grade in her class probably because she's Christian and straight (she said she's a girly girl which is the same thing). She's the worst teacher ever.

"Guttentag ("Hello" in German) Lord Job!" Hitler said.

"Hola ("Hello" in Espanola (not Latino Spanish) Lord God!" Christopher Columbus said.

"Gracious-ith holiest Father-ith. It-ith is-ith thou, your-ith holiest-ith son-ith, Jesus Christ," Jesus Christ said.

"Hello my Lord and Master God!" Miss Pandora said.

I knew that all of us Atheists were in serious trouble if we had to fight these four fascists. I returned to my room and hoped to the best of luck that I could defeat them when they showed up.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Zedd and Dolan Tramp suman the 4 wurst hysterical facest.

* * *

Notes: Ha ha you dumb Christen conservativs will never stop me! I'm witing this chapper on my fone becuz I was farced 2 go to bed frum my dumb mom. THE TRUTH WIL GET OOT!

* * *

CHAP 12: THE 4 HOARSEMENS OF THE APLACALYPSE

It was a dew deys aftar the wadding and everone was still scarred form the expuriyance. Me and Viridi were waking don the hall han and han with R SUGNIFICENT OTTERS LONK AND FEDORA. Wen we want passed one rome we herd voises cumin from inside. I opaned the dore and saw sum TV screems that wer all showing teh sam thin. In Subspas World, Donad Turmp was talking 2 ROD HIMSLEF!

"Zelda atampt 2 mary Ten Lonk 2 hersulf falled!" Ged sad.

"I no! It wasnt my falt. It was Barrack Osimbas falt (becuz Grump alweis blams Oboma 4 everythan)" Danol Mrput said.

"Its time we sumen r ultimet wepuns! The 4 wurst feces in all of hisdary! The 3 whoarsemans of the alpacalipse just liek in the Bibel!" Zedd said.

God opaned a porthule an the four most terble facests in allof histary came on at a tim. The ferst fecest was Adulf Hitlar. He was the dickater of Gurmany during one of thoose world war thins. He was a ritwang facest who killed jewish people alung with gays in consentratun camps in sumethan kaled the holocaust. Be4 he cominated suicine and the Alys won he channed the nam of Gurmany 2 to West Gurmany duren the splat of the coald war.

The naxt facest came out on a butte. He was Chrisopar Colambus. Criscophar Culembus was the Spinach Explaurer who frist descarvored America wen serching for Indea and comited mass murdar twerds many indoginous people and turned them into slavs alog with the ones tey had. He evantuly chaned his nam 2 Andow Jaxen and farced the Cheraoke peple in the Trial of Tares and kelled milluns of peple of colar for whete sopremacy.

The next facest was non otter tan Gods sun Jesas Crust. He was the rasin Christenaity exusts in the frist place. Peple sed he ded on the crass for oar sins but tat is a lie. He dyed 2 make Christens taek ovary the wurld with their techings of Jeb and 4 no one to beleaf that sceince is reel. He wuz evanly crusifed by both Judeas and Darwin but unfortanly they cludnt stap Cristianity frum becuming a thing. The reason Athists exast is to elemonate Cristanity ocne and 4 al.

The last facest was sumon I new very wall. it was MS PANDORA! Ms Pandora is my sinance teecher and shes an Christen who trys 2 sheve creatunesm don r throts. Also shes givin Phosphora a beter grad in her clas prolly becuz shes an Christen and a strait (she sad shes a grily grill wich is the sam thin). Shes the wurst teecher evar.

"Glutentug ("Hello" in Germen) Lord Job!" Hitlur sad.

"Holla ("Hello" in Espinola (not Lateno Spanesh)) Lord God!" Cristaphur Colambus said.

"Grateusith hollyith Fatherith. Itith isith thou, yourith holestith sunith, Jesas Crust" Jesas Crust said.

"Hello my Lord and Master God!" Ms Pandora said.

I new that all of us Athists wer in sirius treble if we had 2 fite these 4 facest. I returned 2 my room and hoped 2 the bess of luck that I cold defeet them wen they showed up.


	13. The Daily Show with Trevor Noah

Summary: Trevor Noah tells everyone what the four horsemen are doing.

* * *

Notes: I am sad that the weekend if now over. It went by too fast so now I'm stuck in Miss Pandora's class once again. She already said that Phosphora was right about something when she raised her hand and answered a question (she said that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. OF COURSE MISS PANDORA WOULD THINK THAT'S RIGHT) but said I was wrong when I answered a different question (I said that the cell consists of the photo, election and the crouton but Miss Pandora said it was the proton, electron and neutron. I mean she even showed it to us on the computer screen and I didn't see the name of those) later. CONSERVATIVE BIAS!

* * *

CHAP 13: THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH

I was scared about the four horsemen coming to get me while I slept. Viridi and I had to take turns being awake so no one could sneak up on us. Viridi was really pretty when she slept but I didn't kiss her on the lips because that is what straight people do and I'm not straight. Also no one ambushed us that night.

The next day, I was watching The Daily Show with Trevor Noah with Viridi, Link, Fiora, Shulk and Reyn. I realized what the four horsemen were doing last night.

"Hello everybody and welcome to the Daily Show. I am your host Trevor Noah! Today, there is dire news all across the globe. Today someone rigged the election in Germany so that Adolf Hitler is not their dictator again. They also rigged it in Spain so that Christopher Columbus is now the president of Spain. And somewhere in the Vatican, the Pope and all other religious officials are celebrating the return of Jesus Christ and announced Christianity as the official religion by letting Mickey Mouse vote. Also Miss Pandora is now the principal of my friend Pittoo's school in Washington because Shrimp promoted her. She has fired all of the good Atheist teachers and replaced them with other Christians like Mark, Matthew, William, Catherine Booth, James McDonald, Luke, John and Joel Osteen and his brothers," Trevor Noah said.

"Oh no!" I said. Not only was Donald Testicle the dictator of America and Zelda was the ruler of Hyrule, but not Germany, Spain, Italy and my school were also ran by evil people. I was afraid that eventually the entire world would be run by fascism.

"We should tell the other Atheists in the mansion," Link said.

"No, they must of already watched Trevor tell it," Viridi said. I knew she was right.

"But we need to do something," Fiora said.

"I know!" I said, "but we can't do anything right now because we're all the way in Nintendo World while they're in the real world. It's not easy to go between them, I needed Darwin himself to do it."

So we went to Starbucks again to help aid the gay agenda and other social justice issues. We called the other Atheists there so we had a huge ass meeting to discuss. We were all really scared by what happened that day. We needed a plan for what to do but it was hard because of how far away the real would was from Nintendo World. We hoped to the best of luck that someone would show us the way because we didn't know what to do. Darwin sent us a message.

"Don't worry," Darwin said, "you don't have to go to them. They'll come to you eventually. I know because I'm Darwin and I spied on them. You just need to train so you can beat them."

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Trever Nouh tells everone wat the 4 hoasremens r doen.  


* * *

Notes: I am sad that the weeknd is now over. It went by too fast so now Im stuck in Ms Pandoras class once agen. She alredy sade that Phosphora was rite abot sumthin wen she razed her hand and ansared a questan (she sade that the mitochandrea is the powarhose of the call OFF COARSE MS PANDORA WOULD THINK THATS RITE) but sed I was ron wen I ansared a difrant questan (I sed that the call concests of the photo, election and the crouton but Ms Pandora sed it wuz the protrun, elactran and the neutren. I men she evan shoed it 2 us on the cumpatter scren and i didnt see nane of toes) latter. CONSERCATIV BYASS!

* * *

CHAP 13: THE DALLY SHOE WITH TRAVUR NOEH

I was scarred abot the four hoarsemens cumin 2 get me wile I slapped. Viridi and I had 2 take turds bean awake so that noone culd snek upon is. Viridi was relly pritty wen she sleped but I didnt kiss her on the lips becuz that is what straits do and im not strait. Olso noone snacked upon us that nite.

That naxt day I was watchen the Daely Shoe with Trevur Nouh with Viridi and Lank and Fauna and Shalk and Royn and I reelized wat the foor hoarsemens were doing last nite.

"Helo everybuddy and welcum to the Dailee Show I am yur hose Trover Naoh. Today their is dir nues acros the country. Today acron rugged the electrician in Germuny so that Adong Hutlare is now there dickator agen. They alsoo riged it in Spian so that Crisgolpur Calumbus is now the presadent of Span. And sumwear in the Vactician the Poop and all otter relegous offesals ar calibrating the ratern of Jesas Crust and anouced Christenaity as the ofica relegun by latting Mikey Moose vote. Also Ms Pandora is now the principle of my frend Pittoos scool in Washentan becuz Shirmp premoted her. She als fired all of the good Athists teechers and replaced them with otter Christens like Merk and Mutthow and Wilem and Catrine Both and Jams McDonal and Look and Jawn and Jol Osten and his brutters," Trovar Noha said.

"Ono!" I said. Not onely was Donad Testical the dictater of America and Zelda was the rular of Hirol but now Germuny and Span and Etalli and My Scule were also ran by evul pepple. I wasb afeared that evantully the entare wurld wod be run by facesism.

"We shud tell the otter Athists in the Manshun" Kuck sad.

"No they must oof alredy watced Trever tell it" Viridi sed. I new she was rite.

"But we ned 2 do sumthin" Firor sed.

"I no" I sed "but we cant do anythan rite now becuz wer all the way in Nentender World and their in the reel world. Its not essay 2 go betwin them I neded Darwin himself 2 do it."

So we want 2 Starbawks agen to help aid the gay ajenda and other soshal jostice isshoes. We culled the otter Athists their so we had a huegjas meting 2 discus. We were all relly scarred by what happaned that day. We neded a plane fer wat 2 doo but it was hard becuz of how far awey the reel world was from Nintandu World. We hopped 2 the bess of luk tat sumone wuld show us the whey becuz we didnt no wat 2 do. Darwin sant us a massage.

"Dont wory" Darwin sed "u dont have 2 goo to them theyll cum 2 u evantully. I no becuz im Darwin and I pied on tem. U just ned 2 trane so that u can bet them."


	14. Jesus Christ and the Twelve Apostles

Summary: The First horseman comes.

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Notes: So Viridi's birthday is coming up soon as well as our anniversary when we first met and my mom is so STUPID! She only gave me around two-thousand dollars for both together. I wanted two-thousand dollars for EACH! I can't buy poor people clothes and cheap stuff for Viridi when she deserves more than that. She's turning fourteen (isn't it cool that my BFF is a year older than me?) and she'll bee going to high school next year while I'll only be in the eighth grade. I'm afraid that Viridi will find a new BFF in high school and forget about me.

 **[Trigger warning, this chapter is religiously insensitive and I mean really insensitive towards the Christian religion. Please proceed with caution at your own risk.]**

* * *

CHAP 14: JESUS CHRIST AND THE TWELVE APOSTLES

I was going to another triple date to Starbucks with Viridi, Link, Fiora, Shulk and Reyn. We were walking to the restaurant when suddenly we turned around and the TWELVE APOSTLES WERE SNEAKING UP BEHIND US. They were all in robes and walked in straight rows with their ancient weapons. They had drummer boys along with donkeys to keep them walking like Leonardo DiCaprio's the Last Supper. They had come out of nowhere.

"Where-ith here-ith to thou kill-ith you-ith," Saint Peter said because that's how people in the Bible talk.

"The hell you ain't," I said.

"Yes-ith, we-ith are-ith," Apostle Thomas said.

"The fuck you ain't!" I said.

"YES-ITH THOU ARE-ITH YOU-ITH SINNERS!" Suddenly I saw God's sun and the supposed Lord and Savior of the Christians, Jesus Christ gliding up to us.

"Oh fuck, we're under attack!" I yelled.

Link drew the Master Sword, Fiora took out her daggers, Viridi took out her staff while I got out my silver bow and turned it into two blades.

"DON'T-ITH SPARE-ITH THE-ITH SINNER-ITHS! KILL-ITH THEM-ITH ALL-ITH! ESPECIALLY-ITH THOU FALLEN-ITH ANGEL-ITH!" Jesus Christ said.

"Thou okay-ith," said the apostles and soon spears, swords and other ancient weapons were pointed at us. We started fighting the Twelve Apostles and their followers. Luckily their weapons came from backwards times so they were no match for us. Viridi used her nature to beat them while I kicked them in the groin before slicing them up. However there were too many of them. Soon it was clear that we were defeated. The apostles and their followers lined us up in ta row so they could kill us all by stabbing us to death.

"Thou three-ith... thou two-ith... thou one-ith..." Simon the zealot said. We tried to dodge the spears. Viridi, Fiora, Reyn and Shulk managed to (because Shulk can see the future with the Monado) but I accidentally tripped and fell down so Link shielded me from the ancient spears. He was stabbed like a trillion times.

"I love you Pittoo," Link said.

"I love you too Link because you're a guy and I'm gay," I replied. And then Link died in my arms. I was very upset and angry about this because he was my boyfriend and I was very attracted to him.

"I'LL KILL ALL YOU FUCKERS!" I snapped.

"No-ith you-ith thou won't-ith," Jesus Christ said.

I unleashed my final smash and had my Dark Pit staff. I began firing at the apostles and their supporters.

"Thou say-ith!" the soldiers cried as they combust into thin air. Soon, I twerked towards Jesus Christ and grabbed him by his neck. I started choking him to death before crucifying him.

"No-ith! Thou now-ith am-ith crucified again-ith," Jesus Christ said as I killed him. "But-ith you-ith will never-ith stop-ith thou other-ith three-ith horsemen-ith!"

Once Jesus Christ was dead, the Apostles didn't have to fight us anymore.

"Cowa-ith bunga-ith dude-ith," Bartholomew said. "Thou are our-ith hero-ith. Ay-ith carumba-ith thank-ith you-ith Dark-ith Pit-ith."

I smirked over the victory but deep down, I was still sad about Link's death.

"Were-ith thou all-ith sorry-ith about-ith killing-ith Link-ith," Saint Picard said. "Thou shall-ith help-ith you-ith with thou funeral-ith."

So the Apostles and their followers came back to the mansion with us so that they could help with Link's funeral which was the following day. It was a very sad day and when it was done, the remaining Apostles and their followers left because they were of Biblical times and therefore were already dead.

I was still freaked out from running into Jesus Christ on the way to Starbucks, so that day Viridi, Fiora, Kamui (my new boyfriend because Link was dead and Marth was still straight) and I ordered burrito delivery from Chipotle (they are progressive and have vegan options so they're a good place to eat too) instead.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: The furst hoorsmen cums

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Notes: So Viridis birfdei is cuming up sooon as wal as the oar annivarsity when we ferst met and my mom is so STUPED. She onely gave me a $2000 for both togetter. I wanted $2000 4 EECH! I cant by pore pepole close and by chap stoff 4 Viridi she desarves moar then that. Shes tuning 14 (isnt it kool that my BFF is a yet oldar than me?) and shell be gong 2 hi schule naxt yare wile ill onley be in ate grad. Im afrad that Viridi well fine a new BFF in hi scule and farget abot me.

* * *

CHAP 14: THE FURST HOOSEMAN

I was gong 2 anotter tripel dat 2 Starbawks with Viridi and Lunk and Foyra and Sholk and Rine. We wer waking 2 the restarent wen suddanly we turd arond and the TWALVE AEROPOSTALES WAS SNEKING UP BEHIND US. They wer all in robs and welting in strate roes with their anchuent wepans and they had drummar boys alung with dankees to kep them waking like Lenoardo DiCarpos the Lass Sopper. They had cum otta underwere.

"Werth herith to thouth killith yooith" Saent Petar sed becuz tats how people in the Bebal spek.

"the hel u aint" I sade.

"yesith weith areith" Apastel Tomas sad.

"the fuk u aint" I sid.

"YESITH THOU AREITH YOOITH SINNARS!" sudanly I saw Gods sun and the saposed Lard and Sevair of the Christens Jesas Crust gleding up 2 us.

"O fuk were undar ateck!" I yield.

Likn drewed the Mustar sord and Fyora drawed her diggers and Viridi tok out her stuf and I got out my selbur doh and tuned it in2 balds.

"DONITH SPARITH THESITH SINARETHS! KILLITH THAMITH ALLETH ESPECIALLITH THOU FELANITH ANGLETH" Jesas Crust said.

"thou okayith" sade the aspostels and son like spars and serds and otter ancent wepins wer ponted at us. We started fiting the Twave Aeropostales and their folwers lukly there wopens cum frum backwursts tims so they ware no metch 4 us. Viridi used natere too beet tem while i kiked them in the goin befor selcing them up. Howevar their were 2 maney of them. Sun it was clare that we were defet. The apestals and there follewars luned us up in a row so they cold kil us by stabing us 2 deaf.

"Thou 3ith... thou 2ith... thou 1ith..." Semen the balot sed. We tred 2 doge the spars and Viridi and Fiora and Loin and Shalk mangaged 2 (cuz Sholk can see da futar with the Manado) but I asidantly trepped and falled dn so Link shelded me frum the anchut spars. He was sabbed like a trilen tims.

"I luv u Pittoo" Link sed.

"I luv u 2 Link becuz ur a guy and im gay" I repled. And than Link ded. I was vary upsat and angerey abot this becuz he was my boifran and I was vary ashreked 2 him.

"ILL KILL ALL U FUKERS!" I snipped.

"noith yooith thou wontith" Jesas Crust said.

I unleeshed my finale smesh and had my Dark Pit staef. I begin firing at the aeropastels and dere soppertars.

"Thou sayith!" the solders cred as they cumbassed in2 tin air. Soon I twerked towurds Jesas Crust and garbed him by his nock. I srarted cocking him to deth befor crusifying him.

"Noith! Thou nowith amith crusified agenith" Jesas Crust sad as I kelled him "butith yooith will nevarith stapith thou otharith 3ith hoasrsemansith!"

Once Jesas Crust was ded the Aeropastoles didnt have 2 fet us anemoar.

"Cowaith bungaith dudeith" Bartholamew sed "Thou are ourith heroith. Ayith carumbaith thankith yooith Darkith Pithou."

I smurked ovary the vectoria but I was stil sade abot Link been ded now.

"Wereith thou allith sorryith abotith killingith Linkith" Saent Picard sad "thou shallith halpith yooith with thou funarelith."

So the Aeropastales and their flours came bak 2 the Manshun with us so that they cold help with Links funneral wich was the naxt day. It was a vary sad day and went it was don the remaning Aeropostales and their flaurs left becuz they wear of Biblecan times and therefor wer aleddy ded.

I was still freked oot frum ranning into Jesas Crust on the wey 2 Starbawks so that day me and Viridi and Fiora and Kamiu (my new bofrend becuz Link was ded and Marth was stil strait) ordared borito delivary from Chopotle (they are pragessave and hav vegon optens so there a gud plaec 2 eet 2) insted.


	15. Oh No! It's Pitstain!

Summary: A new evil summons a new, familiar enemy that Dark Pit knows (also his dead boyfriend gets a clone).

* * *

Notes: Hey guys, did you know that everything in my story is a thousand percent true? The only reason why not many people know is because Donald Trump keeps sending conservatives to attack my story.

For those wondering if I'm straight, THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT I'M STRAIGHT!

 **[Trigger warning for ableism]**

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CHAP 15: OH NO! IT'S PITSTAIN

A few days later after Link's death, I was walking through the mansion with Viridi, Kamui and Fiora. I walked past the room with the TV screens that showed us when God and Trumap brought the four horsemen. There was talking from inside it again, so I opened the door once again and saw that it was still showing Subspace World with Trumboner (Haha!) and God.

"Oh no! My son Jesus Christ has been crucified again," God said.

"Oh my god, that sucks!" Trump said.

"I know," Jed exclaimed. "Now there's only three horsemen left! What if Viridi, Dark Pit and all of those other people kill them too?"

"I have a solution for that," a new voice said.

"Who said that?" Trump questioned.

The new figure stepped into The Room. It appeared to be some goddess before I realized something. OH NO! IT'S MY DUMB MOTHER!

"Who're you?" God asked.

"I am Lady Palutena," my mom said. "Otherwise known as the Goddess of Light. I have a way to stop my bratty, gay liberal Atheist son."

God and Hemp seemed pleased with Palutena.

"First of all, I just want to say you're a fine woman and you're hot," Trump commented. "I would love to grab you by the pussy when all of this is done."

"Anyways," God said, "how will you help stop Pittoo from stopping our mission to fight against the gay agenda?"

"You see, I have an ultimate weapon, one so powerful, they can already harvest the powers of God," Palutena explained. "With my guidance, he will be the straight Christian conservative who will bring us into salvation."

Suddenly I WALK IN SOMEHOW EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T THERE BEFORE I REALIZED MY HAIR IS BROWN NOW. OH NO! IT'S PITSTAIN!

"OH NO, IT'S PITTOO!" God and Trump pooped their pants.

"No, this is my other son Pit," Palutena said. "He is the older brother of Pittoo. While Pit is a Lisa, Pittoo is a Bart. Also, he's the son that listens to whatever I say like a good boy. Come out of the closet and say hello Pit."

"But mom," Pit said, "I'm already out of the closet."

"Of course," Palutena joked, "we just need to get Pittoo to come out."

"So how would Pit help us?" Trump said.

"I can try to stop my younger brother from being a gay liberal Atheist but unfortunately I lack the powers he has," Pit said.

After hearing that, God began channeling his powers into Pit, lending him his powers.

"Now you have my powers. No longer will you need to rely on the Power of Flight from your mother. Now you can use it yourself and it will not burn your wings," God said.

"Cool," Pit said and bowed. "Thank you Lord, AMEN!"

"NOW GO OUT AND CONVERSION RAPE LESBIANS!" Trump said.

"Excuse me, but what's rape?" Pit asked.

"I forgot to tell you but Pit is intellectually slow and needs lots of help when it comes to learning," Palutena said. "In other words, he has a disability (to explain, Pit is very stupid and I am very smart. Pit takes remedial classes in school because he is that dumb while I'm in honors because I'm that smart) but I love him regardless. Also, I don't want my child rapping people so give him another option!"

"Okay, thank god, no pun intended. I give him the power to discharge and send gays directly to Hell," God said.

"Seven," Pit said.

"Does anyone else have a plan? Trumpet said.

"I do my masters!" Miss Pandora came into The Room.

"You have a plan too Miss Pandora?" Trump said.

"Yes." Suddenly A GIRL VERSION OF MY DEAD BOYFRIEND WALKED IN THERE!

"OH NO, IT'S TRANS LINK!" God and Tromp diarrhea'd their pants.

"No, this is a cis clone of Link as she is biologically female," Miss Pandora said. "With the help of God's powers, I made her in my science classroom with the Mirror of Truth with the help of my favorite student."

Suddenly Phosphora walked in The Room. Phosphora is really stupid but thinks she's so smart because she wears a lot of makeup, gets really good grades and whatnot but she's a Christian, a conservative and a "girly girl" which really means she's straight, my dad said wheen I asked him what a girly-girl was before he ran away from my dumb mother. Also she has a clear complexion for her face and she's too skinny and wears a SIZE 00 from Abercrombie (LOL she likes to act rich but she's poor and skinny), I don't like her at all! Pit is also really fat and wears a waist SIZE 31 pants and is dumb.

"This clone is exactly like Link EXCEPT SHE'S STRAIGHT!" Phosphora said.

"How did you make that happen?" Gad asked.

"First, we made a clone of Link with the power of creationism and then Phosphora injected the cure," Miss Pandora explained. "Her name is Linkle."

"I've always been jealous of Pittoo because he's so much prettier and smarter than me and I have an obvious straight crush on him, so it was fun to make our with his brother," Phosphora said.

"Can I go kiill Toon Link, then Pittoo and have a threesome with him and Phosphora now," Linkle said.

"Can I come too?" Pit joined in. "I can ejaculate the cure just in case my brother tries to escape."

"No Linkle, you don't have Link's moveset since the Mirror of Truth made you different from your male counterpart. You can however rape him to turn him into an evil straight to get my allies," Miss Pandora explained.

"Okay," Linkle said, "then we'll have a straight four way after I rape Toon Link."

"That's the spirit!" Trump said.

"I love you Pit cutie," Phosphora said. She and my stupid, dumb brother started making out which was DISGUSTING because even if I was straight WHICH I'M NOT, I'd date Viridi because she's so pretty and Phosphora is so ugly. However I'm not straight, so I want to date dudes, not either of them even though Viridi is my BFF and she's so pretty. I love her in a friend way, not in a romantic one because I'm not straight.

"Okay Pit, since God already gave you his powers and its not enough to defeat your liberal brother, I will give you mine as well," Donald Tramp said.

So than Thump gave Pit his powers as well. God decided to chip in something else.

"I added an additional power to you Pit to make you unbeatable," God said. "If your brother tries to kill you, he will die. In simple terms, in order for him to live, you must be alive!"

"Now go to the Smash Mansion and discharge Viridi and jack off the cure in Pittoo," Gad sed.

"I can't wait until those two are straight too!" Pit said. "I will have so much straight consensual sex with Viridi when she's straight."

"I will also come," Linkle said.

"Now yet Linkle," Rod said, "wee need you for something else."

"Okay," Linkle replied.

I knew that Pit was NOTHING LIKE ME AT ALL when he said that because I'm not straight. Viridi is my BFF, not my lover! Now I wanted to kill Christianity more than ever because Zedd connected me to Pitstain.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

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Summary: A new oval sumons a new famuler anemy that Dark Pit nose (olso his ded bofrend gats a clon)

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Notes: Hey guys ded u kno that everythan in my storey is a thosand percant troo? The only rasin why not maney pepul kno is becuz Doaldn Tumpr keeps sandin conservativs to atack my storey.

4 tose wandering if im strait, THEIRS NO WAY IN HEL THAT IM STRAIT!

 **[Trigger warning for ableism]**

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CHAP 15: ONO ITS PITSTAIN

A few deys after Oinks deth I was wakking threw the Manshun with Viridi and Kamiu and Feori. I woked past the room wuth the TV screns that shood us wen God and Trumap brot the for hoasrsemans. Their was taking frum incide it agen so I opaned the dor agen and saw that it was stil shewing Subspas World with Trumboner (Haha!) and Gad.

"Ono my sun Jesas Crust has ben crusified agen" God sad.

"OMG that swux" Tarumpo sed.

"I no" Jed excalmed "nao theres onley 3 hoarsemens and watiff Viridi and Dark Pit and all those oter pepole kill them 2."

"I hav a soluten fore that" a new voise sade.

"Who sad that?" Trump qoestined.

The nue figar steped into The Room. It appared to be some godiss be4 I reelized sumthan. ONO ITS MY DUMB MUTHER.

"Whore you?" God assed.

"I am Lady Palutena," my mom sade. "Otterwiz noun as the Gaddess of Lite. I haf a way 2 stap my bratty gay librul Athist son."

Gaud and Hemp semed plesed with Palutena.

"Frist of al, I jus wana say ur a fine womans an ur hawt" Trmup cometted. "I wuld lobe to garb u by the pussah wen all of this is don."

"Anywas" God sed "how wil halp stap Pittoo frum stuppen our mishonh to fite agenst the gay uganda."

"You see, I haev an ultamate wepan. One so powaful and can alreddy arvest the powars of gud" Palutena explaned. "With my guydense, he wil be the strait Christen conservativ who wil breng ose in2 salventun."

Suddanly I WALK IN SUMHOW EVAN THO I WASNT THERE BE4 I REELICE MY HARE IS BRUWN NAO. ONO ITS PITSTAIN!

"ONO ITS PITTOO!" God and Trumb pupped their paints.

"No thes is my otter sun Pit" Palutena sed "he is the alder brutter of Pittoo. Wile Pit is a lisa, Pittoo is a bart. Olso hes the son that lissens to watever I say liek a gud boi. Cum out of the closat and say halo Pit."

"Bot mom," Pit sed, "im alredy out of the clothesit."

"Of coarse," Palutena jaked "we jos ned 2 git Pittoo to cum OoT."

"So hoe wuld Pit hulp us?" Trump sad.

"I cun try to satp my yunger butter frem bean a gay librul Athist but unfartenitly I lak the powars he has" Pit sede.

Aftar hering that God begin chaneling his powurs in2 Pit, landing hem his pawers.

"Now you hav my powars. No lunger wil u ned 2 rely on the Powur of Flet frum your mutter. Now u can yoose it urself and eet wil knot burn ur wongs" God said.

"Cool" Pit sad and bewed. "Tank u Lard AMIN!"

"NOW GO OUT AND COVARSEN RAP LESBANS!" Tampr sade.

"excase me but whats rap?" Pit assed.

"I forgegaut to tal you but Pit is intaleleckly slaw and ned losta kelp wen it cums to lerning" Palutena said "in otter words, he has a disability (to esplane, Pit is vary stoopid and I am vary snarf. Pit taks remedyl classes in schule becuz hes is that dumb wile im in haners becuz Im that smart) but i luv him ragerdlass. Oslo i dont want my chold rappen pepple so gift hem anotar opinion."

"Ok tank god no poon intandad I give him the power to discharge and send gays direcly to hel" God sade.

"7" Pit said.

"Does any1 elsa have a plane?" Trumpet sed.

"I do my mastars!" Ms Pandora came into The Room.

"u have aplane 2 Ms Pandora" Tnu;p saod.

"Yes" suddanly A GRIL VIRSON OF MY DED BOFAND WALK IN THEIR!

"ONO ITS TRENS LANK!" Gad and Tromp diarherred their paints.

"No thes is a ces clon of Link ass she is biolagucely femal" Ms Pandora sed "With the halp of Gods powars I mad her in my siense clasrom with the Miror of Tooth with the halp of my favirtest stoodant."

Suddanly Phosphora waked in The Room. Phosphora is relly stoopid but thinks shes so smart becuz she wares alotta maekup and gets relly gud grads and stuff but shes an Christen and a conservativ and a "grilly gril" wich relly mens shes a strait my dad sed when I aked him what a grilly gril was be4 he ranned away frum my dumb mutter. Olso she has a cher complaxen 4 her fase and shes too skinney and wares a SIEZ 00 frum ambercrumbie (lol she lieks 2 act rech but shes pore and skany) I dont like her at all! Pit is olso relly fat and wares a waste SIEZ 31 pans and is dumb.

"This clon is excetly like Lenk EXPECT SHES STRAIT!" Phosphora sed.

"How dedu maek that hapin" Gad assed.

"First we mad a clon of Link wiff the powar of cretenism and than Phosphora ejected the cure" Ms Pandora esplaned "hor nam is Lonkle"

"Iv alweys ben jelass of Pittoo becuz hes so much pritter and smartar than me and I hav an obveus strait crush on him so it was fun 2 maek out with his butter" Phosphora sid.

"Can I go kill Ton Link and than Pittoo and have a treesam with him and Phosphora nwo" Linkle sed.

"Can I cum 2" Pit johned in. "I can ejaculate the cur just in case my brutter tries to escap."

"No Lenkal u dont have Lenks movesat since the mirage of tooth mead u difarent frum ur mail contrapart. U can however rap him 2 turn him ihnto an evul strait 2 get more alys" Ms Pandora esplaned.

"Ok" Lunkil sed "than well have a strait 4 way aftar I rap Toon Lonk."

"Thats the sperit" Trurmp seid.

"I luv u Pit cootie" Phosphora sed than she and my stoopid dumb brothel startad makin OoT wich was DIGUSING becuz evan if I was strait WICH IM NOT id dat Viridi becuz shes so pritty and Phosphora is so uglay. But im noot strait soo I wan 2 dat duds not ether of them evan tho Viridi is my BFF and shes so pritty and I luv her in a frend way not in a romentic 1 becuz im not strait.

"Okay Pit sinc God alrady gabe u his powars and its naught enof 2 defeet ur librul brutter I will giv u mien as wall" Donold Tramp sed.

So than Thump gav Pit his powars as well. God decided 2 chep in sumthen elsa.

"I added an adatinal powur 2 u Pit to make u unbettable" God sade "If your bruthar tries to keel u he will dye. In sample tarms in ordar 4 him to live u must be aleve!"

"Now go 2 the Smash Manshun and diserge Viridi and jacket off the cur in Pittoo!" Gad sed.

"I cant wate until those 2 r strait 2" Pit sed "I will hav so much strait consensual sax with Viridi when shes strait."

"I will olso cum" Lenkol said.

"Not yat Linkel" Rod sad "we ned u 4 sumthin elsa"

"ok" Lunkal repeled.

I new that Pit was NOTING LIEK ME AT ALL wen he sad that becuz im not strait Viridi is my BFF no my luver. Now I wanted to kill Christanity more than ever becuz Zedd cannecked me 2 Pitstain.


	16. Christopher Columbus and Pit's Arrival

Summary: Dark Pit must fight Pitstain and the second horseman

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Notes: You want to know what's really funny? I mentioned how Pitstain wears a waist size 31 pants in the last chapter however I checked his pants size in gym class today (unfortunately he's in my gym class) and he actually wears a waist SIZE 33 now. LMAO he got even fatter! I wear a waist size 27 in case you're wondering. I'm trying to get to a waist size 24 like Viridi (which is like a 0 in girls).

Also Phosphora being a size 00 is GROSS AND DISGUSTING!

 **[Ah yes, the parody of the Hollywood Pudgy in the original. In Supper Smash Bros, Becky was constantly berated for being a size 6/8 which according to Sara, is "fat." For this, the parody writer decided to split it into two parts, with Sara!Pittoo (that's what they dub him) being absolutely livid over the fact Phosphora is a 00 and implemented the constant mockery of Becky's "obesity" in Pit.**

 **Both angels are canonically 5'3, so I am not actually sure if being a men's waist size 33 is technically fat but I would imagine it falls under the Hollywood Pudgy trope. I'm not too sure since I'm not biologically male so I would appreciate it if anyone of the male sex can confirm this.]**

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CHAP 16: CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS AND PITSTAIN'S ARRIVAL

The next day, I was alone outside of the mansion, looking at all of the flowers and whatnot because they smelled like Viridi and were pretty, just like her (she also really loves nature). It was all peaceful as there wasn't any danger in sight. I was on high code-red alert though because I knew Pitstain would come to the mansion soon and I wanted to be ready, but than when I looked around again, I saw CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS THE SECOND HORSEMAN! He was riding the Mayflower and had a bunch of conquistadors, pilgrims, and other colonial period objects with him. I was all alone and scoffed, hoping for Viridi to cum save me yet she wasn't Nier Automata, so I called for my boyfriend Kamui yet he wasn't there either so I started calling out the names of all of the Atheists smashers yet no one heeded my call. I was all alone.

"No one is here to help you essay," Christopher Columbus said. The Mayflower shot a cannon ball.

"Oh fuck," I said, crossing my arms. "You can go fuck off you fascist bitch."

"Now I'm going to capture you and turn you into a slave," Christopher Columbus explained, "but first, I will send all of these conquistadors and pilgrims to kill you."

"Bring it on," I said. I took out my Silver Bow and turned it into two blades, getting ready for a fight.

"Too late. Our Lord will be very pleased," Christopher Columbus said.

Suddenly the conquistadors and pilgrims attacked me so I had to fight them. I killed like a million of each before they were all defeated by my awesome skills. Then the Mayflower attacked me by trying to run me over and it was so huge ass that I couldn't beat it normally. I had to use my final smash and summoned my Dark Pit staff. I charged up a shot, reigning fury on the Mayflower and Christopher Columbus with my staff, killing them both in the process.

"You killed me!" Christopher Columbus cried out as he died. The Mayflower instantly combust into flame, burning away. I stepped inside the mansion, telling Viridi, Fiora, Kamui and any other Atheist smasher I could find about my fight with Christopher Columbus along with his army of conquistadors and pilgrims. When I got to telling Mario, he was confused.

"But how were you outside fighting Christopher Columbus when you were just in here minutes ago," he said.

"No I wasn't," I replied.

"Yes you were. You went into Peach's room to talk to her alone," Mario informed.

"OH NO! THAT'S NOT ME, THAT'S FUCKING PITSTAIN AND HE'S STRAIGHT SO PEACH IS IN DANGER!" I yelled.

"Mama mia! That's terrible!" Mario said.

So Mario and I ran to Peach's room to try and save her from Pitstain. We met up with Viridi, Kamui and Fiora along the way. When we got to The Room, we opened the door and inside PITSTAIN WAS INJECTING THE CURE INSIDE PEACH! WE WERE ALREADY TOO LATE!

"Oh no, the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom is straight now!" Mario said. Pit removed the needle from Peach and looked at us.

"Hi Pittoo... and Viridi." Pit started approaching Viridi seductively.

"Stay the hell back you annoying dumb shit!" Viridi took out her science book to repel Pit and Peach.

"Viridi! I just want to have a foursome with you, Pittoo and Phosphora," Pit said. He had that stupid grin on his face because Pit is dumb and stupid.

"Ew! Phosphora is so disgusting!" Viridi exclaimed. "She's so slutty and stupid."

"I know but she's the reason why I stay straight so I'm grateful to her," Pit said.

"First of all Pitstain, don't ever fucking call me that again! Second, you're fucking annoying. Third, why would you be grateful to the person who is influencing you to be a bad person you believes in God," I said.

"Because I'm happy that I'm straight," Pit said.

"It doesn't matter how happy evil makes you! You're still evil and will be very unhappy when you die and go nowhere because God isn't real," I explained.

"Well then, I'll make you and Viridi join me in heaven," Pit said.

"Let's leave before we catch Pit's stupidity," Kamui said. With those words, Viridi, Mario, Kamui and I ran out of The Room. Luckily Peach and Pit didn't chase us.

"Pit, I'm pulling you out of there!" Palutena said. With a beam of light, Pit was gone, leaving Peach to hump a picture of Mario instead.

Meanwhile at the dinning hall, all of the Atheist liberals sat in a circle.

"So Pittoo," Yoshi asked, "who's Pit anyways?"

"You're not going to believe this but Pitstain is my... conservative Christian twin brother," I said.

Everyone gasped.

"You're kidding," Reyn said.

"I'm not kidding," I replied. "But do not worry. While I am smart, Pitstain is really dumb. He's so stupid, he mistakes muffins for cupcakes. He also reads at a third grade level and can only do up to first grade math."

"Wow, he's so stupid," Luigi said.

"He's also really fat while I'm skinny," I said.

Despite my encouraging words, I knew God had upgraded Pitstain as I didn't tell any of the smashers about my curse.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Dark Pit muts fit Pitstain and the Secont Hoarseman

* * *

Notes: U want 2 no wats relly funny? I sed Pitstain wers a waste siz 31 paints in the lust chapper but I checked his pints siez in jim class today (unfortenaly hes in my jim class) and he ascholey wares a wase SIZ 33 now. Lmao he git evan fattar. I wer a waste siz 27 in case ur wandoring. Im trying 2 get 2 a wase siez 24 like Viridi (wich is liek a 0 in girls).

Olso Phosphora bean a siez 00 is GROSS AN DISCUSSING!

* * *

CHAP 16: PITSTAIN CUMS 2 MANSHUN AND OLSO THE SECONT HOARSEMEN

The naxt day I was alung outcid of the Manshun lokin at all the flowars and stuff becaz they smolled like Viridi and were pritty liek her (she olso relly lavs nachure). It was all peceful and stuf and I dident c amy dangar. I wuz on hi code rad alurt tho becuz I new Pitstain wod cum 2 the Manshun son and I wantad 2 be reedy. Butthan wen I luked arond agen I sawed CRISTAPOR CALAMBOS THE SECONT HOARSEMEN and he was redding the Meiflour and had a buncha conquesodors and pilgrams and otter colanests stuff with him. I was all along and scofed and hoped for Viridi 2 cum sav me but she wasnt nier automata so I culled 4 my bofrend Kamui but he wasnt their ether so I stated culling nams of allthe Athists smosers but I was al along.

"Noone is here to halp u essey" Cristupher Colambes sed. The Meiflour shat a conon ball.

"O fuk" I sed. Than I crassed my arms. "You can go fuk off u facest bich."

"Now Im gunna reptar u and turn u into a slav" Creestaphar Cumlombas tolled "but first I wir sand al of thes conquesodars and palgrams to kil u."

"Bing it on" I sed. I taked out my sildo bew and tuned it in2 two blades gatten redy fore a fite.

"To latte. Our Lord wil be vary pleesed" Cestaphur Celambos sid.

Suddenly the conquesodors and pelgrims atucked me so I hed to fit them. I killed like a melon oof eech b4 thay wer all defeet by my awesum skels. Than the Meiflowey attecked me buy tring to rem me ovary an it wuz so huegjas that I coldnt beet it normely. So I hed 2 use my finale smash and sumoned my Dark Pit staff. I cherged up a shit be4 reining furry on the Mayflore and Crestuphar Cumlombus with my staf and killed them both.

"u killed me!" Cristapher Calamity sed as he dyed. The Meiflour jus barned and combussed into flame. I retuned 2 the insid of the Manshun and tolled Viridi and Kamui and Fiora and aney utter Athist smeshas I cold fine abot my fit with Cristapher Calamity and the conquesoders and the pilgerms. Wen I got 2 talling Maryo he wuz confeced.

"Bat ho wer u outcid fitting Crestuphar Colambes wen u war in her minuets ago" he sed.

"no I wusnt" I repeld.

"ya u wer u wen in2 peeches rom 2 tak 2 her alon" Maryo infirmaried.

"ONO THATS NOT ME THATS FUKKEN PITSTAIN AND HES STRAIT SO PECH IS IN DANGAR!" I yeled.

"Memai mayo thats truible" Maryo sed.

So me and Maro runned 2 Peches romo 2 trey 2 sav her frum Pitstain and we mat up with Viridi and Kamei and Fyora alon the wei. Wen we gut 2 The Room we opaned the dore and insid PITSTAIN WUZ DISCHARGING THE CUR INSID PAECH! WE WER ALREDY 2 LAT!

"Ono the princest of Moshram Kendum is strait now!" Mara sed. Pit remaved the nadle from pach and luked at us.

"Hiya Pittoo... and Viridi" Pit stated aprochin Viridi sadectivelay.

"Stey the hel bak u annoyen dumbsit" Viridi tok OoT her seance bok 2 repaled Pit and Peech.

"Viridi! I jus wan 2 hav a forsam with u and Pittoo and Phosphora" Pit sed. He hed that stoopid gren on his fece becuz Pit is stoopid and dumb.

"Ew Phosphora is so discussing!" Viridi eccalmed "shes so slotty and stooped."

"Ino but shes the resin why i stey strait so im grateful 2 her" Pit sed.

"Ferst of all Pitstain, dont evar fukken call me that agen! Secant, ur fukken annoyen. Turd, wy wold u be grateful 2 the persun who is inflauncing u 2 be a bad persin who beleafs in God" I sed.

"becuz im hapey that im stait" Pit sed.

"it dosnt matar ho hapyy evul maks u ur stil evul and u wil be vary unhapy wen u dye and go nowear becuz Ged isant reel" I esplaned.

"wel than ill mak u an Viridi jon me in heven" Pit sed.

"Lets leve be4 we cath Pits stoopidety" Kumui sed. So Viridi and Me and Maryoo and Kaumi and Foyra runned outa The Room. Lukily Peech and Pit didnt chas us.

"Pit Im pooling u outta their" Palutena said. With a bem of lite Pit wuz gawn leveing Petch 2 homp a piktur of Maria instan.

Menwhel at the dening hale al of the Athist libruls sat in a curcel.

"So Pittoo" Yoshee assed "whos Pit anyweis?"

"Ur knot gonna beleaf this but Pitstain is my... conservativ Christen twan brutter" I sade.

Everwan gosped.

"Ur kideng" Roin sad.

"Im not kidding" I repled. "But do not warry. Wile I am smart Pitstain is relly dumb. Hes so stoopid he mestaks mufans 4 cupcaeks. He olso reds at a turd grad lavel and cun oly do op 2 ferst grad meth."

"Wow he so stoopid" Lugia sade.

"Hes olso relly fat wile Im skinnay" I said.

Despat my encuragen wards, I know God hav upgrad Pitstain as I didant tell the smahsers abot my carse.


	17. Link's Whereabouts

Summary: Pittoo finds out where Link is and masters his wits to beat Pitstain.

* * *

Notes: We are in the computer lab in Miss Pandora's class today. While she wants us to do research on something called the nucleus, instead I am on Archive of Our Own writing this fic for all of the LOVELY LIBERALS OUT THERE! CONSERVATIVES, FUCK OFF! Also, I still don't know why everyone in school thinks I'm straight when I'm not. Being straight is a choice so I'm not straight because I don't chose to be one. I CHOOSE TO BE A HOMOSEXUAL! The stupid Christians think I'll go to Hell when I die but that's a lie. We all go to the afterlife when we dye, not heaven because HEAVEN ISN'T REAL!

 **[This chapter has another real world segment at the end so I figured I might as well explain this in the beginning. In these little segments, the author stated that they will be using character names for students who closely resemble the video game characters (looks and personality wise somewhat), however those are not their real names. The only one's who names are actually real in the story are Pit and Pittoo's due to the fact that their mother played the original Kid Icarus back in the day.]**

* * *

CHAP 17: LINK'S WHEREABOUTS

I was walking past the room with the TV screens again and I heard voices coming from inside it yet again. I went inside the room because the last two times it was important. When I looked on the screens, I saw that Link was tied up in Subspace World with Dalo Treaps and Gad were next to him.

"Haha we have you prisoner!" they said, "and soon we'll have straight girl in here to rape you so you will turn straight."

"No that won't work," Link said, "I knew that might happen so I poured a lot of supper glue on my dick so that straight women couldn't rape me ever because their vaginas can't get in there when its not erected all the time."

"Oh no, you outsmart us but we need to find some super glue remover. We'll keep you tied up while we do that." So God and Darth Trump left the room. I ran out of the TV screen room because I knew only had little time to save him before God and Thump got the super glue remover. I didn't want to fail Link like I failed Mareep. Little did I know, someone else was hiding in The Room as they crept up behind Link.

I ran down the hallway until I found Viridi. She wasn't in the mansion yet when Marth turned straight so I knew she's be an important factor in saving Link. However before I could talk, Pitstain ran from the other direction (running into a wall before coming because he's stupid). He seemed to be wearing my clothes, stealing my color scheme yet his eyes were blue while mine were red.

"Stay away from Viridi, Pitstain!" Pit ordered.

"No! You're Pitstain dumbass!" I said.

"No, I'm the real Pittoo!" Pit argued. "You are Pitstain! I'll lead Viridi into the safety of our room to protect her from you. Follow me Viridi."

"No don't listen to him, he's dumbass Pitstain! He'll just inject you with the cure with you go to our room with him," I said.

"I don't know which one of you is the real Pitto!" Viridi said despite the obvious differences in their eye color. "We have to do a test!"

"Okay," I replied. I knew I could win because I'm the real Pittoo and I'm not dumb like Pitstain.

"Okay," Pit said. He fell right into my trap because I knew Viridi wouldn't fall for his tricks. Unlike me, Pitstain was straight and stupid so he couldn't possibly get the right answers to questions that only a smart gay guy like me would know.

"First question is for this Pittoo." Viridi pointed at Pitstain. "How did we first meet?"

"Our mothers were out in the park for a church picnic back when I was a dumb Christian, believed God was real and my dad was still around. They learned they had children close to each others ages so one day when my idiot brother and I were four and you were five, they brought us to your house. You were playing The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword on your Wii and it was the first time I ever saw a girl playing video games, even though we owned a Wii, Playstation 3 and a Xbox 360 that Pitstain mostly played with. You were wearing an orange shit and blue genes. Even then, I thought you were very pretty. When I spent more time with you, I started to like video games too," Pit said. OH NO! THAT WAS RIGHT! I FORGOT PITSTAIN WAS THERE TOO!

"Right," Viridi said. Then she turned to me. "Now other Pittoo, what was the first game you owned for yourself that wasn't your brothers?"

"I got the Playstation 1 game Final Fantasy VII which was old even then for my fifth birthday that March. That's the game with Cloud in it," I said. "I played it at your house earlier because you owned it too."

"Right," Viridi said, "since both of you were right, we have to do a tie breaker. Both of you at the same time, yell the name of your favorite store."

"Victoria's Secret," I said. I don't actually buy their stuff at all but I like to look at all of the pretty women in their catalog and on pictures when I pass by the store, but only because I knew Viridi would look like them someday, not because I'm straight.

"Cucker Barrel," Pit said, revealing himself to be the fake. Viridi stepped away from Pitstain because we both knew that my dumb brother was a dangerous straight. I kicked Pitstain in the gut to push him away.

"Oh no, you found me out!" Pit cried.

"Pit, I'm pulling you out of there!" Palutena said. And than Pitstain ran away.

I told Viridi about how I saw Link captured in Subspace so we had to save him. We found the other Atheist smashers and prepared to go to Subspace again. Hopefully this time, it will turn out better.

* * *

In the middle of lunch period, Pit was perched inside the school library, reading Treasure Island on a desk near the computer lab. He was fixated on his schoolwork, trying his best to grasp the dated literature as he always had a habit of doing homework (which wasn't due until the next day) during his lunch period. As Pit was engrossed with his studies, little did the boy know three of his friends approached him as they plopped themselves down on the vacant chairs next to him.

"Hello Pit!"

Perking up from his book, Pit immediately noticed Shulk, Reyn and Fiora gathered around him as he gently placed a small ticket before putting the novel in his book bag, Pit proceeded to take his lunch out afterwards. While it was common knowledge there was absolutely no food or drink allowed in the library, the librarian made a few exceptions for several of her favorite students, Pit and his friends being one of them.

Pit took a bite of his sandwich, his mind fixated on both his schoolwork and the possibility of a website where you can work on your homework exists, or so as his brother claimed. Part of him wanted to keep the secret for himself just in case some of the others uploaded little guides on AO3 to help their fellow peers while another part needed to tell his friends all about it.

"So how's Mario Kart 8 Deluxe?" Shulk questioned curiously. He heard about the news from Pit a couple of days ago and wondered how its performance compared to of the original on the Wii U.

"It's fun!" Pit chirped in delight. "Well... it would be better if my brother played with me more often but it's fun regardless!"

Reyn and Fiora rolled their eyes at the mention of Pittoo. The two occasionally wondered how Pit was able to put up with an arrogant individual such as his younger brother yet never bothered to question it. After all, it would only be beating a dead horse because one, Pit would refuse to give a solid answer and two, he has to actually live with him. They couldn't help but feel sorry for their mother as well.

Shulk took quick note of their silence and immediately continued the conversation to ward off any suspicion from Pit. The last thing he needed to do was to center a subject around someone who wasn't even worth giving attention to. He recalled Phosphora complaining countless times in his algebra class about how she's apparently a "conservative" and a "Christian" now just because Ms. Pandora favors her for actually putting time and effort into her studies, not to mention she always took good care of her looks.

"If you want, you can invite us over to your house sometime so we can play a few rounds," Shulk suggested. A huge grin formed immediately on Pit's face as the brunette beamed, nodding frantically as if Shulk had come up with the most brilliant idea he's ever heard.

"Of course! I would love that!" Pit finished off his sandwich before taking a sip from his juice carton. Soon he recalled the homework website as Pit decided to finally share his discovery with his friends. "Oh yeah, before I forget-did you know that there's this website that allows you to do you homework on it? Pittoo told me about it on Sunday!"

Reyn rose a brow, quickly exchanging glances with Shulk and Fiora before presuming on. He figured this ought to be fairly amusing and if such a website even existed, it might assist him in raising up his grades. "Please continue."

"You see." Pit lifted his arm up slightly as he pointed towards the ceiling. "This website is called Archive of Our Own, otherwise known as AO3 in short. It allows the user to do their homework whenever they need to."

The trio exchanged more looks with one another, murmuring under the breath as if they were perplexed or rather confused by Pit's sudden information. Shulk nudged Reyn, whispering something into his ear before Fiora narrowed her gaze, grumbling to them about something before turning towards Pit. Meanwhile Pit wondered if his friends already knew about the website in advance.

"Uh Pit, as much as I dislike being the bearer of bad news, I hate to tell you this but AO3 isn't a homework website," Fiora simply explained. "To explain, AO3 is a noncommercial and nonprofit website which preserves fanworks. In short, it allows tons of users to upload fanfiction."

Pit tilted his head, confused slightly. It took him a few minutes to register what Fiora told him before realizing that Pittoo lied to their mother about doing his homework on Sunday.

"What's fanfiction?" he asked.

"Fanfiction is fiction written by a fan of and most often features characters from a particular television series, movie, video game, anything you can think of," Fiora replied.

"In other words, your brother is most likely writing a fanfic but of what... I don't even want to know," Reyn commented as he cringed at the slightest thought of Pittoo writing.

"Well, we can easily find out in the computer lab," Shulk suggested. Everyone stood silent for a few seconds before gathering up their stuff and making haste towards the computer lab. Fiora sat down on a vacant computer, logging into her account before clicking the Chrome tab. She hoped the school didn't block the website however knew it was highly unlikely if Pittoo managed to log on instead of doing his assignments during computer lab in science class.

"What fandom would he even write for is the question?" Shulk brought up. He knew it was definitely something related to video games yet wondered which particular series before guessing on whim. "It must be something Nintendo related or something. That's gotta be it!"

Fiora narrowed down her search into Nintendo related series, checking the recent uploads as she came across a very odd and misspelled title. She had a hunch that might be the story they're looking for.

Reyn read the summary of the story out loud. "Pittoo was an ordinary boy until he went to Nintendo world to save it from the evil Christians. My first story-oh dear god. Just the summary alone has red flags written all over it."

"Mission from Darwin?" Pit read out loud. "What does that have to do with Smash Brothers?"

"Well everything if you want to be a little troll," Fiora answered quickly. She clicked on the story's title as the page immediately loaded up, allowing the four to read the author's notes before diving into the terribly written fanfiction. Shulk and Fiora tried their best to muster up a couple of snickers however failed. Reyn on the other hand, touched his head as it pulsated slightly, feeling a headache creeping up afterwards.

"Pardon my language guys but Pit, what the fuck is your brother even on!?" Reyn questioned. "I mean, what does a Nintendo game that takes place in a fictional setting have anything to do with politics or religion anyways?! This makes no damn sense."

"Beats me." Pit shrugged. Shulk and Fiora spent the entire time laughing due to the terrible plot, constant misspellings and narrow minded bigotry of what made individuals atheists and Christians according to Pittoo. Shulk couldn't help but cringe throughout the entire story.

"... This is one of the many reasons why I don't tell anyone I'm an atheist," Shulk exclaimed. "Because the last thing I want to do is run into so called atheists like your brother Pit."

Reyn and Fiora nodded, meanwhile Pit stood silent the entire time. He couldn't believe all of the insults Pittoo said about him in the story, even self-inserting him as the angel character his mother named him after highly due to his resemblance to him. While his friends found the entire trainwreck of a fanfic to be hilarious, Pit did not. Instead he found it mean-spirited, hurtful even. He too would have found it hilarious if Pittoo didn't constantly slam him, calling him various insults such as stupid, dumb, practically demeaning him in every shape and form.

Shulk took note of Pit's silence while Reyn and Fiora continued mocking the fic, even quoting some of the stupidest lines from the story before saving the URL to follow it for updates.

"Pit... are you okay?" He asked gently. No reply. Shulk looked over towards Pit who was just subtly shaking and jerking. There was no doubt that Pit was actually softly sobbing from the story as Shulk recalled the unnecessary portrayal and slander towards him. The only thing Shulk could do was comfort him, even if he knew his words might not be enough compared to what was being displayed for the world to see. If only there was a way to get back at him.

After school during that terrible day, not once did Pit usher any word towards his brother. Instead, he masked it with false happiness every time Pittoo glanced in his direction before swiftly transforming it into a frown. While his brother was engrossed in playing the switch, Pit made haste towards their bedroom instead, plopped himself on the farthest corner of his bed and sobbed uncontrollably into his pillow.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Pittoo fins ot were Lunk is and mustur his wets 2 beet Pitstain

* * *

Notes: We are in the computar lab in Ms Pandoras clas today. Wile she wunce us 2 do reseurch on sumthan caled the noclettus, ustedes I am on Archeve of Oar Own riting this fic for al of the LUVELY LIBRULS OUT THEIR! CONSERCATIVS FUK OFF! Olso I stell dont no wy everone in schule thanks im strait wen im not. Bean strait is a choys so im not strait becuz ident chose 2 be 2. I CHOOZ 2 BE A HOMASEXAL! The stoopid Christens thik ill go2 hall wen I dye but thats a lye. We al go2 the afattarlyfe win we dye, not heven becuz HEVEN ISNT REEL!

* * *

CHAP 17: LONK IZ EN SUBSPAS

I was wakling passed the rom with the TV screans agen and I herd voises cumin frum insid it agen and I went insid the rom becuz the last 2 tims it was impotent. Wen I luked on the screns I saw that Limk was tid up in Subspas World and Dalo Treaps and Gad wer naxt 2 him.

"Haha we hav u prisanur!" they sed "and sone well hav a strait girl in her 2 rap u so u tirn strait"

"No that wont work" Loin sed "I new that mite hapen soi pored alota supper gloo on my dick so strait womin coldt rap me evar becuz there vajaynas cant getin their wen its not etracted all the tim."

"Ono u otsmarf us but we ned 2 fin sum supper glo remuver well kep u tid up wile we doo that" so Gad and Darth Truampo leaft the room. I runned oouta the tv scren rom becuz I new I onley gad a kattke tun 2 sav him befor Ged and Thump got the supper gloo remaver and I didnt want 2 fale Limk like I falled mareep. Lottle did I knew sumwan elsa was hodong in The Room as they crapped behund Lank.

I runned don the hellway untal I fond Viridi. She wasnt in the Manshun yet wen Marhf was turn strait so I new shed be an impotent fucter in saven Pink. Hoever b4 I cold talk Pitstain runned from the otter way (ranning in2 a wel b4 cuming becuz hes stoopid). He samed 2 be waring my close and stalin my colar sceme yot his eyes ware bloo and mien ware red.

"Stey away from Viridi Pitstain" Pit ordarud.

"No ur Pitstain dumass" I sed.

"Noo im the reel Pittoo" Pit argooed. "u r Pitstain. And ill led Viridi into the stafy of r room 2 protact her from u. Fillow me Viridi."

"No dont lissen 2 him hes dumbass Pitstain and hell jus ejaculate u with the cur wen u go2 r room with him" I sed.

"I dont no wich on of u is the reel Pittoo!" Viridi sed "we hav 2 do a test!"

"OK" I repaled. I new I cold win becuz im the Reel Pittoo and im nat dumb like Pitstain.

"OK" Pit sed. He felled rite in2 the trap becuz I new Viridi wodnt fall for his trikes. Unlik me Pitstain was strait n stoopid so he coldnt passibly get the rite ansars 2 questans that a smart gay guy lik me wode no.

"Firts queston is for thes Pittoo" Viridi ponted 2 Pitstain "How ded we first meat."

"R mothars wer out in a perk fur a surch pecnac bak when I was a dumb Christen and beleafed God wuz reel and my dud wuz stil arond. They lerned they had chilran claus to eech otders aegs so on day wen me and my idoit brotar was 4 an u wer 5 thy brot us 2 ur hose. U wer play legan of zalda skiword sward on ur wii and it was the furst tim I evar saw a girl playing vidoo gams evan tho we oaned a wii, plystashun 3, and a xbux 360 that Pitstain mosly playd with. U wer waring a orang shit and bloo genes and evan than I thot u wer vary pritty. Wen I spant mor tim with u I stared 2 like vidoe gaems 2." Pit said. ONO! THAT WAS RITE! I FORGAT PITSTAIN WUZ THEIR TOO!

"Rite" Viridi sed. Than she turd 2 me "now othar Pittoo what was the first gam u oned foor urself that wasnt ure bruthers."

"I got the playstetan 1 gam funel fantasea savin wich was old evan than 4 my fieth birfdei that merch. Thats the game with Clod inet" I sed "I pleyed it at ur hose erliar becuz u oned it 2."

"Rite" Viridi sed "sence botoh of u were rite we hav 2 do a dye barker. Both of u at the sam tim yell the nam of ur favoret stor."

"Victuras Secrete" I sed. I dont acsholly by stuff ther at al but I like 2 lok at all the pritty womans in ther catlog and on pictars when i past by the stor by onely becuz I now Viridi wuld look liek them sumday not becuz im strait.

"Cucker Barral" Pit sad revelling himsalf 2 be the fak. Viridi stapped away from Pitstain becuz we both new that my dumb bruthar was a dangerus strait. I kicked Pitstain in the got to pash him away.

"Ono u fond me out!" Pit crayoned.

"Pit im pooling u outta their" Palutena sed. And than Pitstain runned away.

I telled Viridi abot how I saw Link captared in Subspas so we had 2 sav him. We fond the otter Athist smaseurs and prepaired 2 gotoo Subspas agen. Hopefully thes tim turd ot butter.

* * *

In the middle of lunch period, Pit was perched inside the school library, reading Treasure Island on a desk near the computer lab. He was fixated on his schoolwork, trying his best to grasp the dated literature as he always had a habit of doing homework (which wasn't due until the next day) during his lunch period. As Pit was engrossed with his studies, little did the boy know three of his friends approached him as they plopped themselves down on the vacant chairs next to him.

"Hello Pit!"

Perking up from his book, Pit immediately noticed Shulk, Reyn and Fiora gathered around him as he gently placed a small ticket before putting the novel in his book bag, Pit proceeded to take his lunch out afterwards. While it was common knowledge there was absolutely no food or drink allowed in the library, the librarian made a few exceptions for several of her favorite students, Pit and his friends being one of them.

Pit took a bite of his sandwich, his mind fixated on both his schoolwork and the possibility of a website where you can work on your homework exists, or so as his brother claimed. Part of him wanted to keep the secret for himself just in case some of the others uploaded little guides on AO3 to help their fellow peers while another part needed to tell his friends all about it.

"So how's Mario Kart 8 Deluxe?" Shulk questioned curiously. He heard about the news from Pit a couple of days ago and wondered how its performance compared to of the original on the Wii U.

"It's fun!" Pit chirped in delight. "Well... it would be better if my brother played with me more often but it's fun regardless!"

Reyn and Fiora rolled their eyes at the mention of Pittoo. The two occasionally wondered how Pit was able to put up with an arrogant individual such as his younger brother yet never bothered to question it. After all, it would only be beating a dead horse because one, Pit would refuse to give a solid answer and two, he has to actually live with him. They couldn't help but feel sorry for their mother as well.

Shulk took quick note of their silence and immediately continued the conversation to ward off any suspicion from Pit. The last thing he needed to do was to center a subject around someone who wasn't even worth giving attention to. He recalled Phosphora complaining countless times in his algebra class about how she's apparently a "conservative" and a "Christian" now just because Ms. Pandora favors her for actually putting time and effort into her studies, not to mention she always took good care of her looks.

"If you want, you can invite us over to your house sometime so we can play a few rounds," Shulk suggested. A huge grin formed immediately on Pit's face as the brunette beamed, nodding frantically as if Shulk had come up with the most brilliant idea he's ever heard.

"Of course! I would love that!" Pit finished off his sandwich before taking a sip from his juice carton. Soon he recalled the homework website as Pit decided to finally share his discovery with his friends. "Oh yeah, before I forget-did you know that there's this website that allows you to do you homework on it? Pittoo told me about it on Sunday!"

Reyn rose a brow, quickly exchanging glances with Shulk and Fiora before presuming on. He figured this ought to be fairly amusing and if such a website even existed, it might assist him in raising up his grades. "Please continue."

"You see." Pit lifted his arm up slightly as he pointed towards the ceiling. "This website is called Archive of Our Own, otherwise known as AO3 in short. It allows the user to do their homework whenever they need to."

The trio exchanged more looks with one another, murmuring under the breath as if they were perplexed or rather confused by Pit's sudden information. Shulk nudged Reyn, whispering something into his ear before Fiora narrowed her gaze, grumbling to them about something before turning towards Pit. Meanwhile Pit wondered if his friends already knew about the website in advance.

"Uh Pit, as much as I dislike being the bearer of bad news, I hate to tell you this but AO3 isn't a homework website," Fiora simply explained. "To explain, AO3 is a noncommercial and nonprofit website which preserves fanworks. In short, it allows tons of users to upload fanfiction."

Pit tilted his head, confused slightly. It took him a few minutes to register what Fiora told him before realizing that Pittoo lied to their mother about doing his homework on Sunday.

"What's fanfiction?" he asked.

"Fanfiction is fiction written by a fan of and most often features characters from a particular television series, movie, video game, anything you can think of," Fiora replied.

"In other words, your brother is most likely writing a fanfic but of what... I don't even want to know," Reyn commented as he cringed at the slightest thought of Pittoo writing.

"Well, we can easily find out in the computer lab," Shulk suggested. Everyone stood silent for a few seconds before gathering up their stuff and making haste towards the computer lab. Fiora sat down on a vacant computer, logging into her account before clicking the Chrome tab. She hoped the school didn't block the website however knew it was highly unlikely if Pittoo managed to log on instead of doing his assignments during computer lab in science class.

"What fandom would he even write for is the question?" Shulk brought up. He knew it was definitely something related to video games yet wondered which particular series before guessing on whim. "It must be something Nintendo related or something. That's gotta be it!"

Fiora narrowed down her search into Nintendo related series, checking the recent uploads as she came across a very odd and misspelled title. She had a hunch that might be the story they're looking for.

Reyn read the summary of the story out loud. "Pittoo was an ordinary boy until he went to Nintendo world to save it from the evil Christians. My first story-oh dear god. Just the summary alone has red flags written all over it."

"Mission from Darwin?" Pit read out loud. "What does that have to do with Smash Brothers?"

"Well everything if you want to be a little troll," Fiora answered quickly. She clicked on the story's title as the page immediately loaded up, allowing the four to read the author's notes before diving into the terribly written fanfiction. Shulk and Fiora tried their best to muster up a couple of snickers however failed. Reyn on the other hand, touched his head as it pulsated slightly, feeling a headache creeping up afterwards.

"Pardon my language guys but Pit, what the fuck is your brother even on!?" Reyn questioned. "I mean, what does a Nintendo game that takes place in a fictional setting have anything to do with politics or religion anyways?! This makes no damn sense."

"Beats me." Pit shrugged. Shulk and Fiora spent the entire time laughing due to the terrible plot, constant misspellings and narrow minded bigotry of what made individuals atheists and Christians according to Pittoo. Shulk couldn't help but cringe throughout the entire story.

"... This is one of the many reasons why I don't tell anyone I'm an atheist," Shulk exclaimed. "Because the last thing I want to do is run into so called atheists like your brother Pit."

Reyn and Fiora nodded, meanwhile Pit stood silent the entire time. He couldn't believe all of the insults Pittoo said about him in the story, even self-inserting him as the angel character his mother named him after highly due to his resemblance to him. While his friends found the entire trainwreck of a fanfic to be hilarious, Pit did not. Instead he found it mean-spirited, hurtful even. He too would have found it hilarious if Pittoo didn't constantly slam him, calling him various insults such as stupid, dumb, practically demeaning him in every shape and form.

Shulk took note of Pit's silence while Reyn and Fiora continued mocking the fic, even quoting some of the stupidest lines from the story before saving the URL to follow it for updates.

"Pit... are you okay?" He asked gently. No reply. Shulk looked over towards Pit who was just subtly shaking and jerking. There was no doubt that Pit was actually softly sobbing from the story as Shulk recalled the unnecessary portrayal and slander towards him. The only thing Shulk could do was comfort him, even if he knew his words might not be enough compared to what was being displayed for the world to see. If only there was a way to get back at him.

After school during that terrible day, not once did Pit usher any word towards his brother. Instead, he masked it with false happiness every time Pittoo glanced in his direction before swiftly transforming it into a frown. While his brother was engrossed in playing the switch, Pit made haste towards their bedroom instead, plopped himself on the farthest corner of his bed and sobbed uncontrollably into his pillow.


	18. Return to Subspace

Summary: Pittoo goes to save Link but an unexpected twist happens.

* * *

Notes: I CANNOT BELIEVE DONALD TRAMP'S HEALTHCARE BILL PASSED! I am so disgusted by my own country and those capitalist pigs. Anyways, I got the bad news out, I might as well talk about the good news.

The unbelievable happened! My annoying brother doesn't talk to me anymore! I'm so glad! I finally have time to myself to actually do things like write my story and play video games by myself. I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE ANYMORE!

Also for the last damn time, I'm a homosexual, not straight! Being straight is disgusting and all straight people should die!

 **[This was a response to the healthcare bill passing in the House of Rep despite none of them actually reading the bill and going off a estimate vote. Of course the protagonist will try to make things much worse than it seems by spreading misinformation. Given Sara!Pittoo's age, this is highly common with kids his age.]**

* * *

CHAP 18: RETURN TO SUBSPACE

Viridi and I gathered Kamui, Fiora, Laharl, Shulk, Bayonetta, Olimar, Mario and Luigi, Sonic, Master Chief, Kirby and King Dedede to go to Subspace to save Link. We knew it was dangerous because there were more straights in Subspace then in Texas. Also Tod and Danael Taensm were there and they were the evilest people to ever live.

When we arrived at Subspace, we were instantly swarmed by enemies. They attacked us and we fought back. I used my Silver Bow as two blades while Viridi used her awesomeness, Kamui used his yati, slicing his foes while Fiora used her daggers. Laharl used his sword. Shulk banished the straights to death with the Monado and Bayonetta used her hair and swung it back and fourth while Olimar tossed Pikmin. Mario and Luigi shot fireballs and Sonic turned into a ball to hit the evil people. Master Chief shot them with his gun and Kirby and King Dedede used their big hammers. It was a real difficult fight but we one. Then two German straight guys with blond hair and blue eyes attacked us! They had swastikas and I knew that Hitler the third horseman had to be nearby.

"Guttentag Pittoo," Hitler said. "I didn't expect to see you here today."

It was Hitleete and he had his Nazi army of German straight Aryans with him!

"We're here to save Link!" I yelled. "Also, don't call me that!"

"Hahaha! You will fail since you cannot beat the power of fascism, straightness and LORD ROD! Hitlet said. "NAZIS, ATTACK!"

"Yes mien fuhrer." The Nazis attacked us. As we battled, Hitler pulled out a joint of pot and began smoking it.

"Can I have some?" I asked. Even though Hitler was evil, I was for the use of recreational marijuana.

"Laugh, laugh, laugh! No because I'm evil. Before I died, I changed the name of Germany to West Germany before running off to Deutschland so I could harvest and smoke weed in Amsterdam every day," Hitler explained. I would've interrogated Hitler more about the side of history the History Channel didn't teach but I had to conquer the Nazis he sent to kill us. King Dedede was hitting some Nazis with his hammer when HITLER SNEAKED UP BEHIND, VIOLATED HIM AND TURNED HIM STRAIGHT! We now had to fight King Dedede too. When we won, I kicked Hitler in the gut to push him off the edge of Subspace into oblivion. Now Miss Pandora was the only horseman left.

After Hitler was defeated, we ran to the room were Link was being held. He was still tied up.

"Pittoo! You came to save me!" he cried. Before I could untie him, I had to check his dick to see if there was still super glue in there. I ordered Shulk to do that for me and he did.

"Yep, there's still super glue," he answered so with that response, I freed Link. Just then, God and Dumbass Rump returned with the super glue remover.

"Stop them, they're trying to escape!" God said. Then some straight women jumped out of nowhere and started rapping Kamui. Before I could escape, Link grabbed me.

"What's going on!?" I questioned. This wasn't like my former boyfriend at all!

"Isn't it obvious Pittoo?" Link said. "I'm straight now."

I screamed. The scariest thing has happened! Link was now straight!

"But how?" I asked.

"Because I raped him." Linkle came out of nowhere and revealed herself. "Now I'm going to rape you too. Soon you'll be straight just like Link."

"How is that possible!" Shulk said. "He super glued his dick!"

"There are ways to surpass super glue," Linkle said.

"No, I don't want to be straight!" I struggled to break out of Link's grasp to the best of my ability.

"Let him go for now," Palutena said. "I want Pit to be the one who injects the cure in his brother."

"But I'm a man and you're a woman so you listen to us," Link complained.

"I'm a goddess so therefore I have more authority over you and also I'm his mother so," Palutena argued.

"Fuck you mom! You should be arrested for child abuse!" I said. "Forcing me to go outside and taking away my laptop is abuse!"

"No it's called parenting," Palutena said.

Link listened to my dumb mother, allowing me to escape and catch up with the others. We managed to get back to the Smash Mansion but it was another lost. Link was transformed from a gay liberal Atheist to a straight conservative Christian thanks to his evil clone. Since we were too tired to go to Starbucks (plus it was closed anyways), we ordered Pizza Hut instead. We tipped the delivery guy because we knew how underpaid they are because capitalism prevents poor people from making ends meet.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Pittoo goes 2 sav Link but an unexpactid twest hapens

* * *

Notes: I CANKNOT BELEAF DEUNLAN TRAMPS HALTHCAR BILL PASSED! I am so dicusted by my own kuntry and those caputelast pigs. Anyweis I got the bed news ot I mite as wall talk abot the gud news.

The unbeleafibel hapened! My anoyen brothur daesnt talk 2 me anymoar! Im so gad! I finale have tim 2 mysalf to ascholly do thins lik rite my storey and pay vidoe gaems by mysalf. I DONT EVAN HAF 2 GO OUTCIDE ANYMOAR!  
Olso 4 the last dam tim, im a homasexal not strait! being strait is discussing and all strait peple shuld dye!

* * *

CHAP 18: RATUNE 2 SUBSPAS

Viridi and Me got Kamui and Ferne and Latias and Sholk and Boyenetti and Olymir and Morai and Loegesi and Sanuk and Mastur Chifa and Kurby and Kang Deedee and we all want 2 Subspas 2 save Lade. We new it was danjerwares becuz their ware mor straits in Subspas then in Taxes also Tod and Daenal Taensm wer their and they war the evullist tapole 2 evar live.

We got 2 Subspas and we insantly sworned by anemas. They atakked us but we fot back. I used my dildo bow as a 2 blads and Viridi used her awsumness and Camerun used his yeti and slushed and Foina used her duggers 2 and so did Luhule. Sholk banehsed the straits 2 deth with the miranda and Baenatta used her hare and swag it bak and foreth wile Olemaer shat piknans. Maori and Lugi shat furbells and Sanuz turn in2 a ball 2 hit the evul pepple. Master Chef shat them with a ton of gins and Kerb and Kung Dedode used big humus. It was a reel dificalt fite but we 1. Than 2 Garmune strait guys with blod hare and blo eys atakked us and they had swesticas and I new that Hitlur the turd whorsemen had to be nerbuy.

"Glutenteg Pittoo" Hatlir sed "i dident accep hir 2day."

It was Hetlar and he had his notzee army of Germun strait arans with him!

"Were here 2 save Lona!" I yoled. "Olso dont cale me that!"

"Hahaha! U will fale since u cannot beet the powir of facesism and straitness and LORD ROD!" Harlot sade "NOTZEES ATAK!"

"Yes mine fuhrur" the notzees atakked us. As we battuled, Hitlar pulled OoT a jont of pat and begin smoken it.

"Can I hav sum?" I assed. Even tho Retler was evul i was 4 the use of recetanule mariana.

"Laff laff laff no becuz im evul. B4 I ded I canned the nam of Germaey 2 Wiss Germoney I run off 2 Dutchlinda so I culd havest and smok weed in amsardem evary day" Hiler esplaned. I woldve integogated Hetlin mor abot the sid the histery cannal didnt teech but I had 2 cunqar the notzees he sant 2 kill us. Kind Dededa was hitten sum notozees with his hamma wen SITLER SNACKED UP BEHID HIM AND RAPPED HIM AND TUNED HIM STRAIT! Than we had 2 fite Kind Deedeed 2. Wen we won I kekked Hitter in the got to push him of the ege of Subspas in2 oblevagelion. Now Ms Pandora was the onely horasemen left.

Aftar Hetlar was defeet we runned 2 the room were Linde was and he was stil tid up.

"Pittoo! U cam 2 sav me!" he crayoned. B4 I coold untid him I hed 2 check his dick 2 c if thar was still supper glooo in ther I odored Sholk 2 do that and he did.

"Yep theres still supper gloo" he ansored. So I cot Limk free. Just than Gad and Dumbas Rump return with the supper gloo remower.

"stop them they r escap!" Gad sed. Than sum strait womans jumped oot and started rapping Kumui. B4 I cold escap, Lenk garbed me.

"Whats gong on?" I qostened. This wasnt liek my fomer boyfran at al!

"Isnt it obevus Pittoo" Link sed "im strait now."

I scramed. The scurrest thin has happened! Link was nao strait!

"But how?" I assed.

"Becuz I rapped him." Tylenol came outta nowear and reveled hersalf. "Now im gonna rap you 2. Son yulebe strait just like Lenk."

"How is that passible!" Sholk sed "he supper glooed his dick!"

"their are ways 2 surpess supper gloo" Lenkel sade.

"No I dont wanna be strait!" I strogled to brek outta Lanks gasp to the bess of my abiltey.

"Lettham go 4 nao" Palutena said. "I wunt Pit 2 be the one who ejaculates the cur in his brothur."

"But im man and your a woman you lissen 2 us" Link complused.

"Im a gaddess so therfore i have more authoritah ovar you and olso im his mam so" Palutena argooed.

"Fuk u mom! You shuld be arested 4 chold aboose!" I sade. "Farcing me 2 go outcide and tooking away my laptep is abose!"

"No its kaled paranting" Palutena said.

Lank lissened 2 my dumb mutter and alowed me to escap and cach up with the otters. We minajed 2 get back 2 the Smash Manshun but it was anotdur lost. Limk was transferred from a gay librul Athist to a strait conservativ Christen tanks 2 his evul clon. Sonce we wer 2 tired 2 goto Starbawks (plose it wuz clothesd) we ordared Pezza Hot and we tupped the delevary guy becuz we know how underpad they ar becuz caputalesm perverts pore pepol frum maken ends meat.


	19. Minotaur the Really Big Evil Guy

Summary: Miss Pandora and Phosphora create a really big evil guy out of the DNA of the three dead horsemen.

* * *

Notes: First you conservatives attack me for my story, now you're harassing me because of how I "treat" Pitstain? Get over yourselves already! I don't treat my idiot brother like shit. Now leave me alone! Speaking of Pitstain, he hasn't talked to me in a week. Maybe he finally got the memo that he's annoying.

* * *

CHAP 19: MINOTAUR THE REALLY BIG EVIL GUY

The next day Samus, Zelda, Peach and Pit were having a straight orgy in the cafeteria of the mansion.

"Stop this at once!" Master Hand exclaimed. "There is a rule in the mansion! No acts of sexual conduct in the lunchroom!"

"No, we won't stop!" Pit said even though he was having an orgy in his clothes because he's that stupid.

"Pittoo? You're straight now?" Master Hand guessed.

"No I'm fucking not!" I yelled from over my table, "that's my dumbass brother Pitstain."

"You have an evil brother?" I realized no one told Master Hand about Pitstain.

"Unfortunately," I said.

"You need to tell me when Pit comes to the mansion," Master Hand said. "There's lots of paperwork that needs to be done whenever there's a new smasher."

"BUT HE'S NOT A SMASHER! HE'S MY EVIL TWIN BROTHER AND HE'S STRAIGHT, CHRISTIAN, CONSERVATIVE AND HE'S TRYING TO RAPE VIRIDI AND INJECT ME WITH THE GOVERNMENT VACCINE!" I yelled.

"I don't give two shits, we need to be tolerant," Master Hand said.

"No, you can't tolerate the straight agenda! They'll turn everyone straight if you don't send them to prison until they die," I said.

"I don't care," Master Hand replied.

"OOOH! CAN I JOIN?" Pit asked. I kicked Pit in the gut.

"BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR SAFE SPACE!? DO YOU CARE ABOUT THAT?!" I said.

"Do you realize a safe space isn't limited to just you liberals," Master Hand said. "A safe space is a place where anyone can relax and be fully self-expressed, without fear of being made to feel uncomfortable, unwelcome or challenged on account of biological sex, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, cultural background, age, physical or mental ability, a place where the rules guard each person's self-respect, dignity and feelings and strongly encourage everyone to respect others."

"But they're straight conservative Christians!" I complained.

"They are entitled to a safe space as much as you are Pittoo," Master Hand said. "Freedom of speech isn't the same as freedom of consequence. If they express any intolerant views, they will face the consequences. So far I had more problems with you then anyone else in the mansion."

"But they're straight!" I said.

"Stop being an entitled bitch!" Master Hand said. "As for you Pit, here's the paperwork."

"Yay!" Pit said. "Now I can be closer to my brother!"

"Ugh, I hate you so much!" I stormed off angrily and Viridi, Fiora and Cloud (my new boyfriend) followed me. I couldn't believe that Master Hand was being so unreasonable and I hated him so much for going against our safe space by turning a blind eye to the straight agenda, catering to the majority. I walked past the TV screen room again and heard voices coming from inside once more. I stepped inside and looked at the screens as Phosphora's skinny butt was so tiny, I could see everything that was happening. She was winning the award from the Guinness Book of World Records for how skinny she was. Then the award giver person left, most likely to find Pit and give him the award for his ginormous obesity and how stupid he was.

"I'm very unhappy," Gena said, "Hitler, my son and Christopher Columbus are all dead and Palutena let Pittoo escape before we could turn him straight."

"Don't worry Lord God," Miss Pandora said. "Phosphora and I created a new servant for you. His name is Minotaur like the human hybrid beast in Greek mythology except this Minotaur won't be inside a labyrinth because Daedalus doesn't exist and also because I sprayed him with labyrinth repellent anyways."

Suddenly a really huge cow guy man thing walked into the room. He was really big, estimated to be around teen feet tall and his muscles were huge.

"Thou das hola schnitzel," he said. I knew he had to be half Biblical, German and non-Latino Spanish. That could only mean he was made from the DNA of the other three horsemen. I remembered how scary difficult those three fights were and was very afraid about having to fight someone with the combined abilities of all three of them.

"I made him in the Mirror of Truth from the DNA of Hitler, Christopher Columbus and our lord and savior Jesus Christ along with a bunch of other fascists. In addition, I replaced his blood with steroids so he would grow really huge like he is," Miss Pandora said.

"Shall-ith sauerkraut queso!" Minotaur said.

"Now Phosphora, you must go to the Smash Mansion and take Minotaur with you to beat up Pittoo Viridi, that way you can rape Pittoo and have Pit convert Viridi," Danis Tamp said.

"Okay," Phosphora said. Then she and the really big guy left the room. She was so skinny and slutty that it was easy for her to fit through the door. I knew I was in serious trouble if I ran into Minotaur.

* * *

"May I please use the restroom?" Robin asked. His teacher stared at him for a few seconds before nodding. Robin got up from his desk, took the bathroom pass as he made his way out the door. He walked through the empty hallways, heading towards the boys' restroom to do his business. Afterwards, he stepped out and began making his way towards class just to abruptly stop in his tracks. Giggling was heard not too far from him as Robin cocked his head, curious about the source. He slowly inched his way towards the source, hiding as he caught sight of something rare.

Pittoo and Viridi were hiding in the corner of the hallway, making out.

Robin cupped his mouth, trying to suppress his gasps before taking out his cellphone as he took a picture of the two. After snapping the photo, he quickly stormed back to his math class before the two could even react.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Ms Pandora and Phosphora mak a relly big evul guy outta the DANS of the 3 ded hoarsemans

* * *

Notes: Ferst you consercativs atak me for my storey, now your haressing me becuz of how I "trat" Pitstain? Get over yarsalfs alreddy! I dont tret my idiot bruthar like shit. Now leaf me alon! Speking of Pitstain, he hasnt taked 2 me in a wek. Mabbe he finale got the mamo that hes anoyen.

* * *

CHAP 19: MIONTAUR THE RELLY BIG EVUL GUY

The naxt day Samas and Zaldo and Paech and Pit wer having a strait orgie in the cafaturea of thwe Manshun.

"Stop thes at oce" Mastasr Han eccalmed "their is a rul in the Manshun no strait orgys in the lenchrom."

"No we wont stop" Pit sed evan tho he was having a orgie in his close becuz hes that stoopid.

"Pittoo? Ure strait now" Muster Hen gussed.

"No im fukkin not!U" I yalled over frum my table "thats my dombass bruther Pitstain."

"U hav an evul brutter" I relised noone told Mastar Hesm abot Pitstain.

"Unfartonitely" I sed.

"U ned 2 tell me wen Pit cums to Manshun" Mister Ham saud "theres lotsa papurwerk that neds 2 be dun whenevar theres a new smashar."

"BUT HES NOT A SMASHUR HES MY EVUL TWAN BROTHAR AND HES CONSERCATIV AND STRAIT AND CHRISTEN AND HES TRYIN 2 RAP VIRIDI AND EJACULATE ME WITH THE GAVURNMINT VAKSENCE!" I yoled.

"I dont giv 2 shits we ned 2 be tolerate" Masted Hadns sed.

"No u cant tolert the strait agand theyll tun every2 strait if u dont sand them 2 prism until they die" I sed.

"I dont care" Mastir Haen repled.

"OOO CANNA JON?" Pit assed. I kiked Pit in the got.

"BUT WHAT ABOT OAR SAFESPAS? DO U CAR ABOT THAT?!" I sade.

"Do u reelice a safespas isnt just limatd 2 just u libruls" Masers Head said. "A safespas is a plase wear any1 can ralax and be folly salf-esparessed, withour fer of bean made 2 feel uncomfartible, unwalcum, or challised on accont of biolagicul sax, race/etnicaty, sexal orintatum, gendar idontaty or espasseon, caltural bakgond, aeg, physacel or mentul abelitiy, a plase were the rules guard eech persans self-raspact, dignuty and fellins and stongly encarage every1 to respact otters."

"But their strait conservativ Christens!" I complansed.

"They are entited to a safespas as mush as you are Pittoo" Mastar Han sed. "Fredum of speese dosnt isant the sam as fredum of consaqense."

"But their strait!" I said.

"Stop bean a entatled bich" Mastar Han sed. "As 4 u Pit, hares paprwok."

"Yay!" Pit sed. "Now I cum be clasor 2 my brutter."

"Ug I hate u so mash" I starmed off angerly and Viridi and Clod (my new boyfran) and Fyora fellowed me. I coldnt beleve that Mastar Han was been so unrasinable and I hatted him so much for going agenst oar safespas by tuning a blond eye 2 the strait agenda. I waked passed the TV scran rome agen and heard taklen agen. I want insid and loked at the screns as Phosphoras sanky butt wuz so tiny I cold see evarythan in the scren. She was wennin the award form the gonius book of word recards 4 how skanny she wuz. Than the award giver persan left most likly 2 find Pit and 2 giv him the award for his ginormes obasety and how stoopid he was.

"Im vary unheppy" Gena sed "Hitlar and my sun and Cistaphar Columbas r all died and Palutena lat Pittoo escap b4 we cold turn him strait."

"Dont wary Lord Gad" Ms Pandora sed "Me and Phosphora crated a new savant 4 u. His nam is Mintar lik the humen hybard best in Geek mythogie expect this Miontaur wont be in a labranth becuz Dadeles dosant exast and olso becuz I spraid him with labranth repealant."

Suddenly a relly relly big cow guy man than waked into the rom. He was relly big and like fin fetts tall and his mussels wer hug.

"Thou das holla schiznel" he sed. I new he had 2 be haf Biblecun haf Germun and haf Espanola. That cold onely meen he was mad fum the DAN of the othar 3 hoarsemens. I remambred how scurry difecult thos 3 fits were and was vary afrad abot havin 2 fit sum1 with the comebned abiletys of all 3 of them.

"I mad him in the miror of tuth frum the DAS of Hutlet and Cristephar Cumlombas and oar lard and savor Jesas Crust alon with a buncha othar facests ajnd than I replased his blud with stirads so he get relly relly big lik he is" Ms Pandora sid.

"Shallith sourkraut quaso!" Minatur sid.

"Now Phosphora u must go 2 the Smash Mentan and take Mionter with u to beet up Pittoo and Viridi so u can rap Pittoo and have Pit convart Viridi" Danis Tamp sed.

"OK" Phosphora sed. Than she and the relly big guy laft the rom. She was so skanny and slotty that it was easy 4 her to fit thro the door. I new I was in sirius treible if I runned into Minator.

* * *

"May I please use the restroom?" Robin asked. His teacher stared at him for a few seconds before nodding. Robin got up from his desk, took the bathroom pass as he made his way out the door. He walked through the empty hallways, heading towards the boys' restroom to do his business. Afterwards, he stepped out and began making his way towards class just to abruptly stop in his tracks. Giggling was heard not too far from him as Robin cocked his head, curious about the source. He slowly inched his way towards the source, hiding as he caught sight of something rare.

Pittoo and Viridi were hiding in the corner of the hallway, making out.

Robin cupped his mouth, trying to suppress his gasps before taking out his cellphone as he took a picture of the two. After snapping the photo, he quickly stormed back to his math class before the two could even react.


	20. Minotaur Arrives! PS Phosphora's a Slut

Summary: A special guest star helps Dark Pit beat Minotaur.

* * *

Notes: YOU CONSERVATIVES NEED TO STOP SPREADING LIES ABOUT ME! I DO NOT TREAT MY BROTHER LIKE SHIT OR AM I A BIGOT!

Anyways with that out of my chest, I have a question. I have a friend named Vittoo and he has a BFF named Piridi. They are both gay Atheists and they like to hug each other and hold hands but in a friend way (which is perfectly normal for gay people to do). But then all of the sudden last evening, Vittoo and Piridi were in Piridi's room doing all of that and then they suddenly kissed each other on the lips. How long would they have for to dispel rumors about being straight and to resist urges to do that again. Again, these two people I'm talking about are Vittoo and Piridi, NOT Viridi and I but none of the four of us are straight.

I learned something really cool in English class today and I think I'll put it in this story now.

* * *

CHAP 20: MINOTAUR ARRIVES! PS. PHOSPHORA'S A SLUT

The next day, I was training with Viridi on the Final Destination stage. He long blonde hair blew in the breeze as I stared into her deep hazel eyes. Even though we ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT STRAIGHT LOVERS, we're still BFFs so it was difficult to have to fight her even if it was only just to train.

Eventually Viridi won and we left the stage when suddenly Yoshi ran up.

"The mansion is under attack!" he said. We ran to the front door of the mansion. I expected it to be Minotaur and Phosphora and I was right. The entire mansion was shaking like an earthquake from the weight of Minotaur's muscles.

Suddenly Minotaur smashed through the front door.

"Thou bluzerkrag perro," Minotaur said.

Yoshi tried to hurt Minotaur with his tongue but it was knocked away. Then Ike tried to hit him with his Ragnell but it was knocked away. The same thing happened with Toon Link went after him. Laharl tried to use his sword but Minotaur ran over and knocked him unconscious. Then he knocked out the other Atheist smashers except for Viridi and I. When he tried to run towards us, Phosphora stopped him.

"No. I want them to be awake when I rape Pittoo. Tie them up," Phosphora said. Minotaur grabbed some rope and tied Viridi and I up. Soon another earthquake happened as Pit struggled to come out of the mansion. It was due to his obesity and stupidity.

"Pit rape Viridi. I want your brother to watch as his BFF becomes straight and in love with you. Then I'll rape Pittoo," Phosphora ordered.

"But mom said not to rape people," Pit told her. "Rape is wrong."

"Fine, you can inject the cure in Viridi then," Phosphora said.

"No! Stay away!" Viridi said.

Minotaur walked over to hold Viridi still but he was suddenly sliced! I looked over to see where the slice came from and I saw it was my brother Magnus (he's not my brother in real life and is actually some cool dude but he's my older brother in this because my real one is stupid, dumb, ugly, annoying and morbidly obese).

"Get away from my brother and his friend!" Magnus said. Suddenly his own theme song started playing (My brother has his own theme song. Viridi and I have our own theme songs too. The only one who doesn't is Pitstain because he's stupid and doesn't deserve one. The real Magnus usually works out to his song a lot when he's watching dumb Pit and I when my stupid mother is out. And when Viridi and I are together to do normal gay people friend things, the music ruins the mood. This time it's good because he's there to save us. Also he's an antihero like me which I heard about in English class today. That means he can do stuff that normal heroes like Viridi can't).

Magnus took out his club and ran towards Minotaur, slashing at him. Next he grabbed some bomb-ombs, landmines and a laser gun from the Smash box as he threw the bomb-ombs and land minds before pulling the gun's trigger. All of this injured Minotaur and scared him away. He tried to shoot Phosphora but she was so slutty that the bullet missed. She ran away anyways though.

"Pit, I'm pulling you out of there!" Palutena said. And so Pitstain flew away.

After Magnus untied Viridi and I, Master Hand and Crazy Hand flew in.

"What's going on here?" Master Hand said.

"I just saved your mansion and your smashers you stupid glove!" Magnus said.

"That was amazing," Master Hand complimented. "Do you want to join the smashers? I'll get the paperwork."

"No, I work alone." With those departing words, Magnus walked out of the front door of the mansion. "I'll come back to protect my brother when he needs it. I don't want to listen to anyone's authority but my own."

And soon Magnus was gone.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: A speshul gest halps Dark Pit bet Mentos

* * *

Notes: YOU CONSERVNATIS NED 2 STAP SPARING LYES ABOT ME! I DO NOT TRAT MY BRUTHAR LIK SIT OAR AM I A BOGET!

Anyways with that outta my chess I hav a queston. I hav a frend nam Vittoo and he has a BFF Piridi and they r both gay Athists and they lik 2 huge ech odder an held hands but in a frand way (wich is perfactly nomel 4 gay peppl 2 do). Butthan alova sadden last evning Vittoo and Piridi were in Piridis rom doin all that an than they sidenly kised each oddar on the lisps. How lung wod they hav 4 dispal rumers abot bean strait and 2 resast urgas 2 do that agen. Agen these 2 pelope im taking abot r Vittoo and Piridi NOT Me and Viridi but nun of the 4 of us r strait.

I larned sumthan relly cole in englesh clas 2day and I thenk ill put it in thes storey now.

* * *

CHAP 20: MINOTAR CUMS OLSO PHOSPHORAS A SLOT

The nax day I was tranning with Viridi on the Fenal Dissertation stag. Her long bland hare blewed in the breze as I starred in2 her depp hazl eys. Even tho we ABSALUTLY R NAT STRAIT LUVERS were still BFFs so it was difecult 2 hav 2 fite her evan if it was only jus 2 trane.

Evantaly Viridi wan and we laft the aroma. Suddenly Yashi runned up.

"Manshun is undar atak!" he sad. We runned 2 the frant dore 2 the Manshun. I axcepted it to be Mantur and Phosphora and I was rite. The antire Manshun was shoken like an earfquack from the wate of Mentors mussels.

Suddanly Miontuar moshed thro the frunt dor.

"Thou bluzerkrag pero" Minator sed.

Yushe tred 2 het Muntar with his tang but was noked away. Than Ike tred 2 hit him with the ragnle but was nuked away. The sam thin happened wen Tin Laek tryd that. Laharl tred 2 use his sord but Mintoar runned ovar and knacked him unconshus. Than he knacked ot the otter Athists smashers expect for Viridi and Me. Wen he tred 2 ran tords us 2 Phosphora stapped him.

"No. I went tham 2 be awak wen I rap Pittoo. Ty tham up" Phosphora sed. Miontaur grab sum rop and ted Me and Viridi up. Son anodar earthquack huppaned as Pit stuggeled 2 cum out of Manshun. It was do to his obasety and stoopedity.

"Pit rap Viridi. I want ur brothur 2 wach as his BFF becums strait in an luv with you. Than Ill rap Pittoo" Phosphora odored.

"Bot mom sade nat 2 rap peple" Pit tolled. "Rap is wong."

"Fien, u can discharge the cur in Viridi than" she sed.

"no stey away" Viridi sad.

Manter waked ovar to held Viridi stil but he was suddenly slaced! I loked ovar 2 were the stroke cam frum and I saw it was my bruther Magnus (hes not my bruther in rel life and is ascholly sum cole dud but hes my otdar bruther in this becuz my reel one is stoopid and dumb and uglay and annoyen and marbedly obase).

"Get awey form my butter adn his frend" Magnus sed. Sudanly his oan thame son started playen (My bruther has his own thame son. Me and Viridi have oar oan thame sons 2. The onely one who dosant is Pitstain because hes stoopid and dosant desarv one). The reel Magnus usolly werks ot 2 this son alot when hes watchen Me and domb Pit when my dumb mothra is out. And wen Me and Viridi r togetter 2 do normel gay pepole frend thins the musac roons the mod. Thes tim its god becux hes their 2 sav us. Also hes an ant hero lick me wich I herd abot in englesas class 2day wich mens he can do stuf that normel heros like Viridi cant).

Magnus took out his cun and runned towards Miontuar, slusheng at him. Naxt he gurbbed some bombabs and ladmimes and a lazor gum frum the Smaseh bax as he throwed the bomasb and ladmimes and fird the lazors. Al of this injared Miontur and scarred him away. He tred 2 shat Phosphora but she was so slotty that the bullet missed. She runned away anyway tho.

"Pit Im pooling u outta their" Palutena sed. And so Pitstain flued away.

Aftar Magnus unted Me and Viridi Mastar Hanes and Crapy Hen flued in.

"Wats gon on hear?" Mastur Hen sed.

"I just savd ur manshun and ur smashers u stooped glov" Magnus sad.

"That was amazin" Mustard Hans sed "do u want 2 jon the smashers? Ill get tha papurwerk.

"No I werk along" and so Magnus walked ot the frant dor of the manshun "Ill cum back 2 protact my bruthar wen he neds it but I dont wanna lissen 2 anyuns authoerty but my oan."

And son Magnus was gon.


	21. The Good Teacher

Summary: Pittoo's good teacher arrives at the Smash Mansion.

* * *

Notes: These past two weeks without Pitstain talking to me have been great but now I'm getting concerned. This isn't like him at all! When I was playing Mario Kart 8 Deluxe today, he didn't bother to even ask to play with me. Instead he just went into his room. At first having him not bug me was peaceful but now I kind of want him to talk to me again. He acts like I don't exist at all! My dumb mom hasn't picked up on it yet.

 **[To correspond with Tiffany having a first and a last name unlike Mr. Johnson, the author decided to give Gaol a surname at random.]**

* * *

CHAP 21: THE GOOD TEACHER

It was a few days later. Magnus was still in hiding and we couldn't find him. I went on another tripel date to Starbucks with Viridi, cloud, Fiora, Shulk and Reyn. I was drinking my frappucino when suddenly a familiar face I wasn't expecting came in and sat next to me.

"Hi Pittoo," she greeted.

"Hi Gaol," I greeted back.

It was my English teacher Miss Wilson but I call her Gaol even though in real life she's been telling me to stop doing that for months now. She said she'll give me a demerit if I do it again. In this story, she's okay with it though. She's really patient with me even though I have dysgraphia (see, I have a learning disability when it comes to English so insulting my story and saying I write bad is ABLEIST) and writing is hard. She even lets me come in after school sometimes to get extra help with writing. I think that means we're friends. Dysgraphia is a challenge that affects my handwriting ability and fine motor skills. Problems may include illegible handwriting, inconsistent spacing, poor spatial planning on paper, poor spelling and difficulty composing writing as well as thinking and writing at the same time. I also see biology as a challenge as girls were made so much more attractive than boys. The only bad thing is that she's best friends with Miss Pandora of all people. In fact, I wrote the first chapter of this story after she came into class and told us she was engaged (she's engaged to the real Magnus in real life. Despite her being straight, I'm surprisingly okay with it). At least I can say she isn't engaged to Miss Pandora, otherwise I would have vomited. Either way, she's not good enough for Gaol.

"I just broke my friendship with Miss Pandora because she's evil," Gaol said.

"Cool," I said. We all went back to the mansion together. When we arrived back at the mansion, Master Hand flew up.

"Pittoo, you need to stop bringing new people here," Master Hand scolded, "especially without doing the paperwork."

"Master Hand you're such an asshole, why do you have to be this way?" I said.

"It's okay Pittoo," Gaol said. "I'll do Master Hand's paperwork."

And so Gaol left to do that. I went to the TV screen room again to see if the evil people were up to anything. None of them new I can see their plans, just like in the movies. Miss Pandora looked sad.

"My bestie called out friendship off because I'm evil," she said.

"That's okay, we should probably tell Link to conversion rape her into a straight person anyways," Donald Tarnish said.

"Yeah, go do that now. Phosphora, Link is probably in Cracker Barrel because he's straight," God said.

"Okay," Phosphora said. "I was going to go there anyways because I'm straight too. When Miss Wilson (she's not good enough friends with Gaol to call her by her first name) is completely straight, she'll go bye Ms. Wilson because that's what conservative straight women do and then she'll give Pittoo an F and rape him."

And so Phosphora left to go to Cracker Barrel. Soon Tod laughed evilly as he clapped his hands.

"While Phosphora gets Link from Cracker Barrel, I will introduce you to a new evil legion so powerful Pittoo will poop his pants," God said. A couple of new faces came out of nowhere.

"Who're they?" Dong Trump questioned.

"They are the twelve apostles who serve under me. You already met one of them being Palutena. Now you will meet the rest," God answered.

"Hello gracious father," Hylia said. She was alongside her apostles Din, Nayru and Farore.

"It's about bloody time!" Zanza said because he's British and evil. He's from Shulk's game and wants to turn the High Entei into tilapia.

"Explore the cosmos," Rosalina said. The only reason she was at the mansion was because she's a smasher. Otherwise, I would have told Master Hand to get rid of her.

"Poaskmin," Arceus said.

"I am the divine dragon Naga," Naga said.

"Knock knock I'm Knuckles and this here is the Master Emerald," Knuckles said (I know he's Sonic's friend but he's evil in this).

"Hello Sod. Nice to see you again," Anankos said.

I was scared again as God revealed my newest enemies. I had to protect Gaol from becoming straight (she's a lesbian in my story)! I'd stop her before she got to Cracker Barrel but I'm gay so I didn't know where the nearest one to the mansion was and even if I did, that place would certainly be filled with too many straights, so I just had to protect Gaol by staying near her.

I want to tell everyone about what I saw. Viridi, Cloud and Fiora joined me in protecting Gaol from being raped by Link.

* * *

Pittoo uploaded the finished chapter on AO3, hoping the "conservatives" and all of the other "narrow-minded" individuals didn't immediately start attacking him again. He still wasn't too sure why they kept bringing up the way he treated his brother despite him lacking knowledge that Pit knew about the story. While it was certainly peaceful not having Pit chat his ear off for these past two weeks, Pittoo couldn't help but feel empty.

Ever since that day he stopped talking to him completely, Pittoo was getting harassed left and right by various "conservatives", not just on AO3 either. They were even attacking him on Tumblr, sending him rude anon messages, telling him how much of a hypocrite and terrible human being he was to even crueler messages he wished to erase from his mind. Despite this, Pittoo tried to keep himself together but in spite of it all, slowly but surely, his composure began to gradually crack. He wasn't sure how much more torment and harassment he could even bear anymore.

As much as he hated to admit, Pittoo realized he probably needed to take a break from the internet for a while and at least go outside-or in his case, play video games. He can even start shopping for Viridi's special day if he wanted to, yet it didn't feel the same without Pit. Yes, he found him to be a complete nuisance yet without the company of his brother, Pittoo felt extremely lonely. It was almost as if he was barely liked to begin with.

His thoughts continued consuming him whole, flooding Pittoo's mind of the cruel messages people send him over the past few weeks he started writing his questionable story. He would never admit it but words do hurt, especially if one knew them to be true. There was only one thing he could do. He logged off his account and left his Chrome browser open before leaving the room. He slowly made his way towards his mother's room, reaching for the door as he turned the knob before stepping inside.

Palutena was fixated on a novel however she quickly placed the book down as her youngest son entered. Her gaze was fixated on him, recalling the last time Pittoo even stumbled into her room estimating around seven years ago, back when that sperm donor was still around. Palutena immediately picked up something odd, knowing Pittoo wasn't himself. Her motherly instincts went through the roof as she got up from her bed.

"Is everything alright?" she asked gently.

Hearing those words caused Pittoo to instantly burst into tears. He latched onto his mother, startling her as Palutena began rubbing his back while her son wailed into her chest.

"People won't stop bullying me!" he sobbed.

"Who's bullying you? Is this happening at school?" Palutena knew Pittoo was rather reclusive when it came to telling her anything. She usually had to either fork it out of him or had the unfortunate luck of one of his teachers calling her from school about his disruptive behavior or the inability to correctly grasp his assignments. Regardless of what they told her, Palutena always defended her children, even if Pittoo sometimes gave the teachers a hard time.

Pittoo nodded his head in response which was proceeded by a few hiccups. "It's happening both at school and online! I didn't do anything to them but people keep harassing me, calling me hurtful names and even told me to get off the internet!"

While Palutena consoled her son, Pit on the other hand, entered his bedroom and took note of Pittoo's laptop being vacant. Part of him was still angered by the story up on AO3 as he motioned his way towards his brother's computer. Luckily for him, the odds were in his favor as Pittoo set all of his passwords to autosave on Chrome. Pit managed to somehow decipher his password, jolting it down on a piece of paper before smiling.

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind someone writing along with him," Pit thought out loud to himself. The boy beamed wide at the thought of trying to gear the story into something more legible, feeling happy that his brother's readers called him out on his bigotry. Soon he will have his revenge.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Pittoos gud teecher cums 2 the Smesh Manshun

* * *

Notes: Teese pass to weks witout Pitstain talken 2 me have ben grate but now Im getan cancurned. This isant like him atall. Wen I wuz playen Mareo Krat 8 Delax today he didant bathur 2 evan ask 2 play with me. Instad he just want 2 his rom. At ferst haven him naut bag me was paceful but nao i kinda wanhim 2 tak 2 me agen. He ascs like I dont exast at al. My dumb mom hasant piked up on it yat.

* * *

CHAP 21: THE GUD TEECHER

It was a fwe days latter and Magnus was stil in hidun and we coldnt fine him. So I went on anuther tripel dat 2 starbawks with Viridi and Clod and Fjork and Sholk and Ryne. I was drunkin my frapucheno wen sudanly a femalar persan I wasnt excepting cam and sat naxt 2 me.

"Hi Pittoo" she greted.

"Hi Gaol" I greted back.

It was my englesh teecher Miss Wilson but I call her Gaol evan tho in reel life shes ben tell me 2 stap dong that 4 moths and ses shell giv me a damerit if I doit agen. In this storey shes ok with it tho. Shes relly patent with me evan tho I hav disgruphia (c I hav a leaning disabulty wen it cums 2 englesh so insalting my storey and sayen I rite bad is ABOLIST) and wratin is hard. She evan les me cum in aftar scule sumtims 2 get help with wrating. I thank that mens wer frends. Disgruphia is a chalice that effacts my henwrating abelty and fin mutar skels. Poblams mei includ illedible henwrating, incancistant spoceng, pore spatel plannin on papur, pore spaleng, and difecalty cumpaseng wrating as well as thaking and wraten at the sam tim. I olso biolge as a chalice as girls ware mad so much mor attrective than bois. The onely bad thin is that shes best frans with Ms Pandora of al pepole in fact I wrote the ferst chaptar of this story aftar she cam into class and telled us she was engage (shes engaged 2 the reel Magnus in reel life. Despat her bean strait, im soprisangly ok with it). At lest I can say she isant engage 2 Ms Pandora otharwise I wold hav vomated. Ether way shes not gud enuf 4 Gaol.

"I just braked up my franshep with Ms Pandora becuz shes evul" Gaol sed.

"Cool" I sed. So we all want back 2 manshun togetter. Wen we git 2 the manshun and Mistar Hum flued up.

"Pittoo u ned 2 stap brinen new pepple her" Matter Ham sed "espeshully withot dong the papatwerk."

"Master Handes ur such a ashol why do u hav 2 be that wei" I siad.

"Its ok Pittoo" Gaol sed "Ill do thes relly big hen thins paparwek."

And so Gaol left 2 do that. I went 2 the TV scren rom agen 2 see if the evul pepol wer up 2 anythin. Nane of tem new I cun c thar planes gest jos lik in the boobies. Ms Pandora luked sad.

"My bassie kaled oar franshap off becuz im evul" she sed.

"Thats ok we shuld probebly tell Lent 2 convarsin rap her into a strait persan aneway" Donld Tarnish sid.

"Yea go do thet now Phosphora Lank is prolly in Krakken Barrel becuz hes strait" Gad sed.

"Ok" Phosphora sed "I was gon 2 goto their aneway becuz ima strait 2. Wen Miss Wilson (shes not god enuf frens with Gaol 2 call her by her ferst nam) is compoltly strait shell go bye Ms Wilson becuz thats wat conservativ strait womens do and than shell giv Pittoo a F and rap him."

And so Phosphora laft 2 goto Cocker Boral. Son Tod laffed evully as he cleped his hams.

"Wile Phosphora gits Limk frum Cruckar Borrel I wil intadoos nue evul ligance so powarfol Pittoo will pup his paints" God sade. A cuple of knew fasis cum outta nowear.

"Whore they" Dong Tesodm qestoned.

"They r the twalve aeropastales hue sarve undar me. u aledy mat 1 of tem bean Palutena noa u met the rast" God asned.

"Halo graceus fatar" Hilia sade. She wuz alonsid her aposules Don Nayrm and Faroar.

"Its aboot bloody tim" Zunze said becuz hes britush and evul. Hes frum Sholks gam and wans 2 tarn the hai entei in2 tilapia.

"Explar the casmas" Roslinda sed. The onely rasin she wuz at manshun wuz becuz shes a smashur. Otdurwiz I wuld had tolled Mataurs Hasn 2 git red of her.

"Poaksmin" Arceiush sade.

"I m the devane dargne Nogau" Noagu said.

"Knuck knuck im knockles and dis her is the masur emurald" Knockles said (I no hes Sonacs frend but hes evul in this).

"Hello Sod. Nic 2 see u agen" Anakins said.

I was scarred agen as Geus revaled my neust anemas. I had 2 protract Gaol form becom a strait! Id stap her befor she got 2 Casker Baert but im gay so I didnt no were the neerest on 2 the Manshun was and evan if I did that plaec wold sertanly be fill with 2 many straits so I just had 2 protect Gaol by stayen neer her.

I want 2 tell everone abot wat I saw. Viridi and Clod and Fiona jonned me in protext Gaol frum been rap by Lenk.

* * *

Pittoo uploaded the finished chapter on AO3, hoping the "conservatives" and all of the other "narrow-minded" individuals didn't immediately start attacking him again. He still wasn't too sure why they kept bringing up the way he treated his brother despite him lacking knowledge that Pit knew about the story. While it was certainly peaceful not having Pit chat his ear off for these past two weeks, Pittoo couldn't help but feel empty.

Ever since that day he stopped talking to him completely, Pittoo was getting harassed left and right by various "conservatives", not just on AO3 either. They were even attacking him on Tumblr, sending him rude anon messages, telling him how much of a hypocrite and terrible human being he was to even crueler messages he wished to erase from his mind. Despite this, Pittoo tried to keep himself together but in spite of it all, slowly but surely, his composure began to gradually crack. He wasn't sure how much more torment and harassment he could even bear anymore.

As much as he hated to admit, Pittoo realized he probably needed to take a break from the internet for a while and at least go outside-or in his case, play video games. He can even start shopping for Viridi's special day if he wanted to, yet it didn't feel the same without Pit. Yes, he found him to be a complete nuisance yet without the company of his brother, Pittoo felt extremely lonely. It was almost as if he was barely liked to begin with.

His thoughts continued consuming him whole, flooding Pittoo's mind of the cruel messages people send him over the past few weeks he started writing his questionable story. He would never admit it but words do hurt, especially if one knew them to be true. There was only one thing he could do. He logged off his account and left his Chrome browser open before leaving the room. He slowly made his way towards his mother's room, reaching for the door as he turned the knob before stepping inside.

Palutena was fixated on a novel however she quickly placed the book down as her youngest son entered. Her gaze was fixated on him, recalling the last time Pittoo even stumbled into her room estimating around seven years ago, back when that sperm donor was still around. Palutena immediately picked up something odd, knowing Pittoo wasn't himself. Her motherly instincts went through the roof as she got up from her bed.

"Is everything alright?" she asked gently.

Hearing those words caused Pittoo to instantly burst into tears. He latched onto his mother, startling her as Palutena began rubbing his back while her son wailed into her chest.

"People won't stop bullying me!" he sobbed.

"Who's bullying you? Is this happening at school?" Palutena knew Pittoo was rather reclusive when it came to telling her anything. She usually had to either fork it out of him or had the unfortunate luck of one of his teachers calling her from school about his disruptive behavior or the inability to correctly grasp his assignments. Regardless of what they told her, Palutena always defended her children, even if Pittoo sometimes gave the teachers a hard time.

Pittoo nodded his head in response which was proceeded by a few hiccups. "It's happening both at school and online! I didn't do anything to them but people keep harassing me, calling me hurtful names and even told me to get off the internet!"

While Palutena consoled her son, Pit on the other hand, entered his bedroom and took note of Pittoo's laptop being vacant. Part of him was still angered by the story up on AO3 as he motioned his way towards his brother's computer. Luckily for him, the odds were in his favor as Pittoo set all of his passwords to autosave on Chrome. Pit managed to somehow decipher his password, jolting it down on a piece of paper before smiling.

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind someone writing along with him," Pit thought out loud to himself. The boy beamed wide at the thought of trying to gear the story into something more legible, feeling happy that his brother's readers called him out on his bigotry. Soon he will have his revenge.


	22. What is Happening Here? (Pit)

Summary: Pit wonders why the world of Nintendo is being infected by real world politics and religion.

* * *

Notes: Hey! I managed to somehow write down his password correctly after all. I know he's bound to change it as soon as I upload this chapter but knowing my brother, he's bound to make it something predictable.

So um, hello everyone! I am sure most of you know me as the "stupid", "dumb", "fat", "idiot" and "whatever insult he could come up with in the book" brother of Pittoo. I will admit at first those cruel insults really got to me as it hindered my relationship with my brother for around two weeks before realizing I needed to clear up a lot of things. But first things first, allow me give you all a proper introduction. As you already know I'm Pit, the older brother of Pittoo. For starters I like video games (I don't mean to brag but my friends do call me the video game historian for a reason), my favorite food is ice cream and I occasionally play outside. I am also physically disabled (I use forearm crutches to get around), have a learning disability and struggle with a lot of subjects at school.

Unlike my brother, at least I actually try instead of having Mom do my homework for me. He shouldn't even be in honors classes, he really should be in the remedial classes as well but he had my mother PAY the school to let him in honors classes because he didn't want to be in a class full of "stupid" kids. Gee, kind of ableist from someone who claims to be progressive thanks to a blue website (well, I do give some of the liable information there credit. Before he went on there, he would call me the r-word and other mean things I'm not even going to say on here).

Also for those curious, my brother and I are the same exact size. He is slightly taller than me and is able-bodied but other than that, he is not even close to a size 0 in women's, otherwise my mother would have been very concerned. Plus, there is one thing my mom doesn't do and that is let her children go to bed hungry!

Anyways, I can ramble on about the things my brother got completely wrong but I'll save that for another day. Hopefully everyone has a nice day today. :)

 **[I didn't have to edit anything at all. The author decided to have Pit hijack the story every now and then to try to make it back into a proper fanfiction. Pit addresses everything wrong with the story and I have to say, his chapters do not make my head pulsate compared to his brothers. Of course, I'm talking in the sense as if these characters exist which they don't.**

 **I will be specifying the Pit chapters with (Pit) next to the title to separate which ones were written by Sara!Pittoo and which ones are his.** **]**

* * *

Chapter 22: What is Happening Here?

I observed the supposed meeting God (rather my brother's huge misunderstanding of the Christian religion) had with Donald Trump as he showed him eleven more of his apostles. I wasn't sure why the deities of other video games were here to begin with, seeing how Hylia, Rosalina, Naga, and the three goddesses of the Triforce are kind. Arceus only acts up if its not being worshiped (I think that's a Pokemon movie thing though, I'm not so sure about that myself heh) and I didn't know why Knuckles and the Master Emerald were even doing here.

I am also pretty sure Zanza intended to turn the High Entia into Telethia, not the High Entei into a fish. How my brother thinks multiple Enteis exist is beyond me.

My eyes met with Knuckles as the enchinda shrugged, being equally as lost as I was with all of the events partaking in Nintendo World.

Sure, I wasn't necessarily the real Pit but I do share a uncanny resemblance with him. Funny story, my mother actually named me after him because she used to play Kid Icarus a lot when she was a little girl. Pittoo was given his name because she wanted to have identical names for identical twins (he was named before Uprising came out. Speaking of that, I keep forgetting to tell my mom about Dark Pit's silly nickname in the game).

I heard God and Trump discuss their plains to turn everyone straight despite the video game characters of Nintendo World sexualities never being specified unless officially stated otherwise. Whatever was going on, I was trapped inside my brother's unholy creation of a giant mess.

It suddenly made much more sense now. The minute some messed up version of Darwin sent my brother to "help" the world of Nintendo, everything was thrown off balance. He took over the body of the real Dark Pit, a character who would not even care about the politics and religion of today's world.

Anyways, word had it Phosphora went to get Link from Cracker Barrel so he can rape Miss Wilson (why my brother thinks rape changes someone's personality automatically is bizarre). While they were gone, I decided to figure out a way to stop my brother's plans before things got really out of hand.

My mother saw me thinking as she tilted her head curiously.

"Something wrong Pit?" Palutena asked.

"Mo-!" I quickly stopped myself from referring to her as mom. Instead, I winked and decided to try to gear things back properly. "Lady Palutena, why is there a "war" between the Christians and the Atheists? That has nothing to do with Nintendo or Smash Brothers."

Palutena shrugged. "I'm not sure about that one honestly Pit. While I would love to get to the bottom of this myself, it seems that everyone else here is just as confused as I am."

"That makes sense I guess," I replied. "Still, a lot of things don't quite add up at all. I mean, is the Nintendo World infected by some sort of curse where everyone forgets who they are?"

"Perhaps," Palutena said, "but I'm sure we'll figure out something. Part of me thinks ever since Pittoo took over the real Dark Pit's body, he has been changing everything in his favor."

"We'll figure out something but for now, I guess all we can do is sit and see what happens." My stomach suddenly grumbled. I forgot about Pit's huge appetite as I groaned.

Palutena laughed. "Hungry Pit?"

"Y-yeah," I answered.

"Maybe we should go out to eat. Perhaps we can meet up with Link and Phosphora at Cracker Barrel and see if they might have an answer about the whole situation," Palutena suggested.

I nodded as we both left the evil lair of the Lord and Trump. The first thing we needed to do was to restore the characters of all their memories but for now, some pancakes will have to do!


	23. Assault on Cracker Barrel P1 The Plan

Summary: Pittoo and friends plan an assault on Cracker Barrel

* * *

Notes: I cannot believe Pitstain managed to get my password somehow. HE'S TRYING TO RUIN MY STORY! And of course all of the conservatives are going to agree with him. Also he's lying! Don't believe anything he says.

Anyways, before you read this chapter you need to hear about the one and thankfully only time I went to Cracker Barrel in real life. I was nine years old at the time and my dumb mom picked me and my stupid brother up from cello class and she decided to take us out for dinner. So my dumb mom took us to Cracker Barrel and wouldn't let me stay inside the car because she didnt' want me to get kidnapped by strangers. So when I went inside, I was already bored and wondered why this store sold clothes as we were seated. The food was disgusting and I cried and vomited because I was afraid our waiteer was going to rape me straight.

With that said, here's THE REAL CHAPTER 22!  
Ps. I changed my password so Pitstain can't get in.

* * *

CHAP 22: ASSAULT ON CRACKER BARREL PART 1 THE PLAN

After I told Viridi, Cloud and Fiora about what I saw inside the TV screen room, I waited for Gaol to get done with her meeting with Master Hand. When she was done, she stepped out of Master Hand's office.

"Phosphora is going to Cracker Barrel to tell Link to rape you," I told her.

"Oh no!" Gaol said. "We need to do something."

"Don't worry," I said. "We're all going to protect you."

"I think that all these straights in Cracker Barrel need to be dealt with," Cloud said.

"But there are too many of them there!" I complained.

"That's why we have to do something," Gaol said. "Cracker Barrel is the fecal point of all straight Christian activity in the area."

"It's too dangerous to try to fight them on their home turf," I brought up. Viridi placed her hand on my shoulder.

"Don't worry Pittoo, we all believe in you," Viridi said.

"Thank you Viridi." I smiled at her.

"So you're attacking Cracker Barrel?" I turned towards the door and saw Magnus arrived out of nowhere.

"How can I help?"

"We need a plan," I said.

"I'll come up with one," Gaol said, "just bring all of the Atheist smashers to a meeting room in an hour."

"So we waited over an hour before heading over to the meeting room with all of the other Atheist smashers. Gaol had a projector hooked up to a computer before showing us her plan.

"First of all, we need to split up into to teams," Gaol suggested. "I'll be staying here as mission control and looking at a map of Cracker Barrel on the internet to tell you were to go through walkie-talkies. Pittoo and Magnus are the team captains and you need to select your team members. Pittoo, go first."

"I choose Viridi," I said.

"I choose Master Chief," Magnus said.

"Cloud," I said.

"Mario," Magnus said.

"Fiora," I said.

"Laharl," Magnus said.

"Ness," I said.

"Lucas," Magnus said.

"Luigi," I said.

"Toon Link," Magnus said.

"Sonic," I said.

"Kirby," Magnus said.

"Zenyatta" I said.

"Robin," Magnus said.

"Lucina," I said.

"Shulk," Magnus said.

"Reyn," I said.

"Ike," Magnus said.

"Nina," I said.

"Flonne," Magnus said.

"Olimar," I said.

"Pikachu," Magnus said.

"Pokemon Trainer," I said.

"Corrin," Magnus said.

"Mega Man," I said.

"Yoshi," Magnus said.

"Villager," I said.

"Lucario," Magnus said.

"Greninja," I said.

That meant Charizard went with Magnus. Our teams went over to us as we called out their names, then Gaol continued with her plan.

"Magnus's team needs to fight the red necks outside of Cracker Barrel and then barricade the entrances to keep reinforcements from arriving. Pittoo's team will clear out all the straights from inside the store. When that part of the mission is complete, you need to find a nuclear and destroy the store itself once and for all. That will make most of the straights disperse from the area."

"This sounds like a plan," I said. So we all got ready to go to the straight HQ and bring the fight to them.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Pittoo and frandz plan an asalt on Crakkur Barael

* * *

Notes: I cannot beleaf Pitstain minajed 2 git my passwerd sumhow. HES TRYEN 2 RUEN MY STOREY! And of corse all of the conservativs ar gunna agree with him. Olso hes lyen. Dont beleaf anythin he says.

Anyways, b4 u read the this chaptar u ned 2 her abot the onely and thenkfuly onely tim I went 2 Crakker Barael in reel life. I was nin yares old at the tim and my dumb mom piked me an my stoopid bruthar up from jello class and desided to taek us ot 4 dinar. So my dumb mom taked us 2 Crakker Barael and woldent let me stan incide becuz she didant want me 2 git kidnapid by stangurs. So wen I want incid I was alredy board and wandered why dis stoor sold close as we ware setted. The fud was dicussing and i crayoned and vomated becuz I was afard oar water was gunna rap me strait.

With tat sade, heres THE REEL CHAPPAR 22.  
ps. I canged my paswerd so Pitstain cant git in.

* * *

CHAP 22: ASALT ON CRAKKUR BARAEL PART 1 THE PLANE

Aftar I told Viridi and Clod and Fyeru abot wat I saw in the tv scren rome I wated 4 Gaol 2 get dun with her meetin with Mustard Hanes. Wen she was dun she came outcid Mastar Huns orfiac.

"Phosphora iz gon 2 Crakkur Barael 2 tel Link 2 rap u" I tolled her.

"Ono" Gaol sed "we ned 2 do sumthin"

"Dont worry" I sed "Were gonna all protact u"

"I thenk that all thes straits in Cucker Barrale ned 2 be delt with" Clod sed.

"But their r 2 maney of tham their" I cumplaned.

"Thats y we hav 2 do sumthin" Gaol sid "Crakkur Barael is the fecal pint of all strait Christen actevity in the uria."

"Its 2 danjerwares 2 try to fite tham their on there hom terf" I bot up. Viridi put her han on my shulder.

"Dont worry Pittoo we all beleaf in u" Viridi sed.

"Thank u Viridi" I smoled at her.

"So ur atakking Crakkur Barael" I turned tords the dore and Magnus was their "how cani help"

"We ned a plane" I sed.

"Ill cum up with on" Gaol sed "jus brin all the Athist smashers 2 a mating room in an ower."

So we wated an ower an than went 2 the mating rom with all the Athist smashers. Gaol has a perjaktur huked up 2 a commatur and than she stated shoing us her plane.

"frist of al we ned 2 splat up in2 2 teems" Gaol sogasted "Ill be staying her as mishon contrul and luking at a map of Crakkur Baraeel on the intranat to tell u were 2 go thro walkytalkys. Pittoo and Magnus r the teem kappens and u ned 2 salict ur teem membirs. Pittoo go furst"

"I chooz Viridi" I sed.

"I chooz Master Chef" Magnus sid.

"Clod" I sed.

"Maryo" Magnus sed.

"Foira" I sed.

"Leharel" Magnus sad.

"Nas" I sade.

"Lookus" Magnus sed.

"Loygee" I sadi.

"Tone Lak" Magnus saod.

"Sonec" I sed.

"Kerby" Magnus sed.

"Zenyatta" I sade.

"Roban" Magnus aid.

"Lucena" I sid.

"Sholk" Magnus sed.

"Roin" I sad.

"Icke" Magnus sed.

"Nino" I sade.

"Flone" Magnus sed.

"Olymar" I sad.

"Picachoo" Magnus saod.

"Pocamin Tranner" I sed.

"Coran" Magnus sad.

"Megan Mun" I sid.

"Yoshee" Magnus asd.

"Vilegar" I said.

"Lucaro" Magnus sade

"Granija" I sed.

That ment Charzed went with Magnus. R teems went ovar 2 us as we called tham. Than Gaol contenued with her plane.

"Magnus teem ned 2 fite the radnex outcid of Crakkur Barael and than baricad the entranses 2 kep renforcemints frum ariven. Pittoos temm will cleer ot all the straits fum insid the stor. Wen that part of the misan is complet u ned 2 fined a nokleur and destroy the stor itsalf ons and 4 all. That well mak mist of the straits dispars frum the area."

"This sonds like a plane" I sad. So we all got reddy 2 go 2 the strait HQ an tak the fit 2 them.


	24. An Eerie Feeling (Pit)

Summary: Pit has a bad feeling about something while eating inside Cracker Barrel.

* * *

Notes: ... Why are his passwords so predictable? I mean, "Pitstainsux11"? Really Pittoo... out of all the passwords you could even think of?

The only reason why I'm on is because he's currently out shopping for Viridi's birthday present. Hopefully I can get this story on the right track, seems everyone liked my chapter. :)

* * *

Chapter 23: An Eerie Feeling

While Pittoo and the other smashers prepared for battle against innocents who for some reason, had their sexuality, religion and political affiliation to be assumed as being straight, Christian and conservative, meanwhile Palutena and I were inside Cracker Barrel eating some pancakes. While I honestly could care less about Cracker Barrel to begin with, food was still food.

The only time I recalled ever going was during that one time when my brother and I were nine years old. Since Pittoo got sick, my mom figured it was best not to eat there again in fear of my younger brother getting sick again (no, our waiter did NOT want to rape Pittoo. Why does he think rape as a plot device is an good idea anyways?).

Link was surprised to see Palutena and I as he greeted us. He wasn't quite too sure what was going on either and didn't understand why God and Trump were in the fictional world of Smash to begin with. Whatever it was, I was really starting to suspect my brother's sudden inclusion caused the entire mess in the first place.

"So, if we manage to somehow remove your brother out of the real Dark Pit's body, everything will go back to normal?" Phosphora guessed.

"Perhaps," Palutena replied. "Who knows what else might be linked to the sudden bad characterization which is partaking in the "Athists" side of the story."

"Well Pittoo isn't necessarily the best writer but we shouldn't be too hard on him right?" I said. "I mean, everyone has to start somewhere."

Phosphora and Palutena nodded as I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I knew it wasn't the food or anything as something was trying to tell me something.

"Pit," the voice said, "your brother is planning on committing mass murder by attacking countless of innocents at Cracker Barrel. Whatever you do, please try to get them to safety!"

I wondered who just said that now. The voice sounded awfully familiar however I couldn't quite put a face on it. With those words, I knew this was something to take seriously.

I stood up on the table to gather everyone's attention.

"Everyone!" I said, "as much as I don't like to do this, I need everyone to evacuate immediately! Someone is coming with an army to destroy this place for absolutely no reason."

Everyone in the room gasped, meanwhile other allying Smashers such as Zelda, Peach, Kamui and even Linkle started helping the civilians go to their cars.

While everyone started to slowly move out of the building, Phosphora gasped.

"Um guys," she said. "You might want to see this."

Being curious, I moved towards the restaurant window as I peeked outside. Not from afar, I saw the army my brother had as Magnus led the way. I tried my best to suppress my fear as there were countless of innocent lives still inside the building. Something told me this wasn't going to end well.


	25. Assault on Cracker Barrel P2 Invasion

Summary: Dark Pit and friends begin their assault.

* * *

Notes: God dammit, I had to change my password once again because stupid Pitstain hacked me. HE NEEDS TO STOP TRYING TO CHANGE MY STORY! HE'S RUINING IT!

With that being said, I finished shopping for Viridi's birthday yesterday. Hopefully she likes what I got her. Speaking of new things, I got a game for myself too. It's called Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valencia. I started it and so far it's about a boy and a girl (WHO ARE NOT STRAIGHT) named Alm and Celica. They were childhood friends who are now engaged in a war against Christians to stop religion from taking over. Who knew Europe is so backwards with their horses and lack of technology.

* * *

CHAP 23: ASSAULT ON CRACKER BARREL PART 2 INVASION OF CRACKER BARREL

We all approached Cracker Barrel from a hill overlooking the restaurant. The parking lot was being patrolled by rednecks on tractors. They were speaking hick English instead of regular English because they were from backwards times and lived in trailers all their life. Magnus's team ran down the hill towards them to get their attention.

"Howdy y'all little doggie," the leader of the rednecks said which was most likely an insult in their hick language.

"SPEAK ENGLISH!" Magnus hit the redneck leader in the face. He grabbed his cowboy hat and tossed it like a Frisbee at Magnus but Magnus was too strong and blocked it with his Magnus club (he also has a weapon named after himself too). Then Magnus used his fight club skills from Fight Club to take down the redneck leader. Then the rest of Magnus's team came. They fought the rednecks too while my team ran into Cracker Barrel to fight the straights. Some of them were already escaping because of stupid Pitstain trying to protect breeders.

"Pittoo watch out! There's straights direct to your right (because straights are too right wing)," I heard Gaol say through my walkie-talkie. She was on a website on the internet which showed where all the straights were in Cracker Barrel and also where I was.

I shot the straights that were running at me a bunch of times. Then Cloud and Fiora ran over and chopped their heads off to make sure they were really dead and wouldn't come back as straight zombies.

"Now there are straights hiding in the kitchen," Gaol said. I threw some bomb-ombs inside the kitchen and blew up the hidden straights. Then we sneaked farther into Cracker Barrel.

There were lots of straight people in there for us to fight. I used my Silver Bow and my Guardian Orbiters. Viridi used nature along with martial arts (she's a black belt in karate). Cloud used limit break on the straights. Fiora decapitated them with her daggers. Ness used PK fire on them and Luigi did that thing where he flies really far with a headbutt and Sonic ran really fast and turned into a ball. We were in the headquarters of straights though so they kept coming. Then Samus, Zelda, Peach, Pit, Palutena, Link and Phosphora came. The other straights stepped aside to let them through because they were the most important straights.

"Well, well, look who came," Samus greeted.

"I thought the rednecks would stop you,:" Zelda said.

"My brother is fighting them," I said.

"He's not your brother," Palutena said. "Your brother is right here!"

"HI PITTOO!" Pit said.

"Don't call me that ever again Pitstain." I scoffed.

"Well he will die anyways. All the rednecks have lynching training so they know how to fight real good," Peach said.

"And I'm going to ejaculate the cure in you and Viridi to make up for all the straight people you killed before our massive orgy today," Pit said. "Mom gave me permission."

"And then we'll all go to the mansion and have Link rape Miss Wilson and Master Hand will let us because he is tolerant of our evil straight agenda," Phosphora said.

"No, I'll stop you," I said.

"Ha! There's only a few of you and a lot of us stupid," Phosphora said, "and I'm skinny enough to dodge your hits."

"And I'm fat enough to count for like twenty people while you and Viridi are so thin and pretty and stuff," Pit added.

"But you forgot one thing. I have Darwin on my side," I said.

"But we're Christians so we worship God and don't believe in devilution," Samus said.

"And that is why you will lose," I said, smirking. "When the Big Bang Theory created the Earth billions of years ago, it was made that good would always triumph over evil."

"LOL you're stupid! Earth is six thousands years old and CREATED BY GOD," Phosphora said.

"AND YOU'RE A ABLEIST BITCH INSULTING MY GREAT INTELLIGENCE LIKE THAT," I yelled.

"Get over it already. You're going to lose to us anyways," Palutena said.

"No you're wrong! You conservatives are using your bias claims to lie to the people with your cries of FAKE NEWS and trying to undermine the word of ATHEISM!" I said. I activated my final smash and got ready to fight all the straights at once.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Dark Pit and frands begen there asalt.

* * *

Notes: Gad dammit, I had to chaneg my pasward oce agne becuz stoopid Pitstain haxed me. HE NEDS 2 STAP TRYEN 2 CHANG MY STOREY! HES RUNING IT!

Wif tat beang sade, I feneshed shaping 4 Viridis birthday yestarday. Hopfully she liks wat I got her. Speking of neu thins, I gat a gaem 4 mysalf too. Its kaled Fier Embalm Ekohls: Shalins of Valicena. I stated it and so far its abot a boy and a gril (WHO ARE NOT STRAIT) nemed Aem and Calica who wear choldhode frinds and ar nao eguged in a war agenst Christens to stop relagen from takeng over. Who new Yorape is so bakwerds with there harses and lac of tecnolagie.

* * *

CHAP 23: ASALT ON CRAKKUR BARAEL PART 2 INVASHEN OF CRAKKUR BARAEL

We all aproched Crakkur Barael form a hill overliking it. The parken lot was bean petroled by radnacks on tampons. They wer speckin huck englesh insted of reglar inglish becuz they wer frum becwards tims and lived in tailers all there lif. Magnus teem runned don the hull 2 tham 2 get there attanshun.

"hodye yal lattle dogie" the leder of the rednecs sed wich was mos likly an insalt in hiclugae.

"SPECK INGLESH!" Magnus het the rednock leeder in the fase. He garbed his cowboy hat and threwed it lick a frazbe at Magnus but Magnus was too stron and bloked it with his Magnus cub (he olso has a weepon nemed aftar himsalf 2). Than Magnus usd his feet club skills form fite klab 2 tak downed the Ridneck leder. Than the rest of Magnus teem came. They fot the Radnexs 2. Wile my teem runned into Crakkur Barael 2 fite the straits. Sum of tem wear alredy escap becuz of stoopid Pitstain tryen 2 protract breders.

"Pittoo watch oot theres straits direct 2 ur right (becuz straits 2 rightwong)" I herd Gaol say threw my walkytalky. She was on a websit of the intranet that showed were all the straits wer in Cucker Berral and olos were I was.

I shat the straits that wer runnin at me a buncha tims and than Clad and Fyaro ranned ovar and chipped there heeds of 2 maek shur they wer rilly ded and woldnt cum bak as strait zombis.

"Now theres straits hidin in the katchun" Gaol sed. I threwed sum bombams insid the kitcan and blowed up the hidan straits. Than we sneeked farther into Crakkur Barael.

Their wer lotsa strait peple in their 4 us to fite. I used my sialv bowe and my garudian orgiturs. Viridi used natur alung with marital arts (shes a blokbalt in karyta). Clod lameted braked at the straits. Fyora dekaputatumed them with her dagers. Nas used pk fir on them and Lugia did that thin were he flus reely far with a hadbutte and Sanec ranned reely fat and tur into a boil. We wer in hedcarters of straits tho so they kep cumin. Than Samas and Zelud and Peauc and Pit and Palutena and Lask and Phosphora came. The othar straits stepped asid 2 let tham thro becuz they wer the most impotont straits.

"Well well luk who came" Samas grated.

"I thot the rednaxs wod stap u" Helda sed.

"My bruther is fitting tham" I sid.

"Hes not ur brothar" Palutena sade "Ur bruther is rite here!"

"HI PITTOO" Pit said.

"Dant call me that evar agen Pitstain" I scofed.

"Well he will dye anyweis all the rednocks hav lunching tranning so they no how 2 fite reel gud" Patch soid.

"And Im gunna ejaculate the cur in u and Viridi 2 mak up 4 all the strait peoals u killed b4 r massev orgi 2day" Pit sed "Mom gabe me parmesan."

"And than well all go2 the Manshun and hav Lick rap Miss Wilson and Mistar Hamock will lettuce becuz he is tolarent of r evul strait ugonja" Phosphora sed.

"No ill stap u" I sed.

"Ha theres onely a few of u and alota us stoopid" Phosphora sed "and im skanny enuff 2 doge ur hits."

"And im fat enuff 2 cont 4 lik twewy pepole wile u and Viridi r so thin and pritty and stuff" Pit adod.

"But u forgat on thin I hav Darwin on my sid" I sed.

"But were Christens so we wershap Gad and dont beleve in devalushen" Samas sed.

"And that wy u well lose" I sid, smiking "wen the Bag Bung Thaory crated the Earf billons of yars ago it was mad that gud wold alweys triamp ovar evul!"

"Lol ur stooped Erth is six thosands yars old and CRATED BY GOD" Phosphora sad.

"AND UR A ABOLIST BICH INSALTING MY GRATE INTALIGANCE LIK THAT" I yoled.

"Git ovary it alredy. Ur gonna lose to us anywas" Palutena sade.

"No ur wron and u conservativs r usen ur byas carbon doting 2 lye 2 the pepole wif ur crayons of FAEK NEUS and tryen 2 undmane the werd of ATHISM!" I sed. I actived my finel smush and gut reedy 2 fite all the straits at onse.


	26. Assault on Cracker Barrel P3 Success!

Summary: Pittoo conquest and destroys Cracker Barrel once and for all.

* * *

Notes: Ever since I changed my password once again, Pitstain hasn't been able to get back in. Hahaha! Shows him right by trying to change my story into something awful.

The last episode of Samurai Jack aired last weekend and boy did it suck. First of all, they should have never forced DISGUSTING hetero romance between Jack and Ashi. Their relationship was fine being father and daughter mentor. Genndy Tartakovsky SHOULD HAVE NEVER MADE SAMURAI JACK STRAIGHT! Then again, he is RUSSIAN and therefore works under VLADIMIR PUTIN, just like a CERTAIN PRESIDENT NAMED DONALD TRUMP! I think Putin threatened Tartakovsky to make Samurai Jack straight otherwise Trump would have sent him back to Russia because he wants all queer people to die which isn't right.

Maybe Tarenps and Putin are working together on trying to take down my story because I speak nothing but the TRUTH!

* * *

CHAP 24: ASSAULT ON CRACKER BARREL PART 3 PITTOO CONQUERS CRACKER BARREL

Instantly when I activated my final smash, a bunch of straights leaped over to pine me down to the ground but I created a force field that caused them to explode. Then I held my Dark Pit staff and shot lasers, vaporizing more straights. Then Peach grabbed a butchers knife off the shelve and ran at me with it. I grabbed the butchers knife and tossed it at a wall, stabbing another straight in the head and then kicked Peach aside in the gut, making her unconscious.

Soon it was clear to them that I had won and Phosphora got out her phone and called God and Donna Truamp. Suddenly a portal opened up to Subspace.

"Hurry! Get in!" Tarump said. Phosphora, Pit, Samus and Palutena jumped into the portal. Zelda tried to follow them but Zenyatta used her hair to punch Zelda and the portal closed before she could get to it. Then Lucina knocked her unconscious.

"I see online that you knocked Peach and Zelda unconscious," Gaol said.

"Yeah," I replied. "Should we kill them before they wake up?"

"No, I have an idea. Tie them up and bring them to my room when you're done with destroying Cracker Barrel," Gaol said.

"Okay," I said.

So after I got rid of all the straights that were still in hiding, I walked outside and Villager held onto the nuclear bomb and tossed it at Cracker Barrel. The next thing I knew, I huge ass explosion emerged and destroyed Cracker Barrele. Since the nuclear was custom made to only kill straights, we hired a construction team to build a new shopping mall there and they would have guards to make sure straights didn't come inside our new safe space. Then we left to return to Gaol's room with the unconscious Zelda and Peach. Along the way, they woke up.

"Hey, will you let us go so we can rape you," Yoda requested.

"Fuck no," I said.

"But you'll like being straight," Peach told. "Pit is straight and he's really happy."

"But he's fucking dumb!" I scoffed. "I choose to be gay anyways. Heaven isn't even real!"

"You need to stop going on tumblr where a bunch of uneducated kids think they know everything and listen to you mother. Heaven is real and our Lord will be pleased to see you go to Hell," Zelda said.

"No, Rod is evil and you're a liar! Those kids are not uneducated, they know a lot more than you ever will because they're not brainwashed by the government to be straight," I shouted. "NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'LL KNOCK BOTH OF YOU BITCHES UNCONSCIOUS AGAIN!"

Tesla and Peach shut up. Soon we returned to the mansion.

"Pittoo, why the hell did you destroy Cracker Barrel!?" Master Hand said as he was waiting outside the front door.

"Because that's where all the straights congregate," I informed.

"That doesn't fucking matter! You need to stop being a hypocrite and be more tolerant-and why the hell are Peach and Zelda tied up!?" Master Hand said.

"Because Gaol wants to see them in her room," I said.

"Why?" Master Hand interrogated.

"I don't fucking know but it sounds important. Now stop asking me questions!" I barked.

"Okay but you need to be punished for destroying Cracker Barrel so no more matches for you until I say so!" Master Hand flew off.

"I can't believe Master Hand fucking did that!"

"He's stupid a stupid prick!" Viridi said. She hugged me because she knew I felt awful about my unjust punishment. We took Peach and Zelda to Gaol's room.

"Okay, they're here," I said, "why do you want two tied up straights in your room, they might break free and try to correction rape all the gay men here."

"Good Pittoo," Gaol said. "Don't worry about me, I have a gun and I'm getting Master Chief to be my armed guard (ALL SCHOOLS SHOULDN'T HAVE TO RESORT TO ARMED TEACHERS AND ARMED GUARDS TO KEEP US SAFE FROM EVIL PEOPLE! SCHOOL SHOULD BE A SAFE SPACE FOR EVERYONE, NOT JUST FOR PRIVILEGED RICH WHITE PEOPLE!) As for why I need these two, well I need to test things on them because I'M GOING TO INVENT A CURE FOR STRAIGHTNESS!"

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 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

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Summary: Pittoo concars and destructs Crakkur Barael ons and 4 al

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Notes: Evar sence i chaned my passward oce agen, Pitstain hasnt ben abel 2 get bak in. Hahaha! Shows him rite by tryen to chang my storey in2 sumthan offel.

The lust epasod of Samerai Jak aired lest weeknd and boy ded it succ. Ferst of al, they shuld hav nevar forked DISCUSING hetro romans between Jak and Ashi. There relatenchip wuz fin bean fathur and dotter mentar. Gendo Tartarcosski SHULD HAV NEVAR MAED SAMERAI JAK STRAIT! Then agen, he is ROSSEN and therfor werks undar VALIDMIER POOTEN, jest liek a CURTAN PRESADINT NEMED DONAL TUMRP! I thenk Pooten tratened Tartacosti to maek Samarai Jak strait otterwise Trump wuld hav sended him bak to Rossah becuz he wants all quer peple to dye which isnt rite.

Mabbe Tarenps and Poutine ar werken togetter on tryen to taek down my storey becuz I spek nuthen but the TRUTH!

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CHAP 24: ASALT ON CRAKKUR BARAEL PART 3 PITTOO CONCARS CRAKKUR BARAEL

Insanely wen I activetid my finale smash a buncha straits lept ovary 2 pine me don to the grond but I crated a fors feld that kauzed tem to expode. Than I hold my Dark Pit stef and shat lazors vaparizen mor straits. Than Petch garbed a bushers knif off the shelvs and runned at me with it. I graped the bushers knif and tassed it at a wel, sabben anotter strait in the hed and than kikked Peech asid in the got and she was unconshus.

Son it was cleer 2 them that I hed wone and Phosphora gat ot her fone and culled Gad and Donna Truamp. Saddenly a porthole opaned up 2 Subspas.

"Hurray getin" Tarump sed. Phosphora and Pit and Samas and Palutena jamped into the porthole and Zelda tred 2 fillow them but Zenyatta used her hare 2 panch Zelda and the porthole closed b4 she cold get 2 it. Than Lusina noked her unconshus.

"I see onlen that u nocked Peash and Zalda unconshus" Gaol sid.

"Yeah" I repled "Shud we kill tham b4 they wak up"

"No. I hav an ida. Ty them up and bren them 2 my rome wen ur dun with destroyen Crakkur Barael" Gaol sade.

"ok" I sod.

So aftar I got rod of al the straits that we stil in hidden I walked outcid and Vilegar hold on2 the nukler bom and tassed it at Crakkur Barael. The nax then I know a huegjas explosan marged and destrected Crakkur Barael. Sense the nuklear was castem mead 2 only keel straits, we hird a constacsen teem 2 build a new shaping mall there and they wold hav gards 2 mak shur straits didnt cum inside oar neu safespas. Than we laft 2 retune 2 Gaols rom with the unconshused Zelasn and Peech. Alon the wei they waked up.

"Hey will u leyus go so wecan rap u" Yoda raqoested.

"Fuk no" I sed.

"But yule like bean a strait" Peech tolled "Pit is a strait and hes relly hapy."

"But hes fukken dumb" I scofed. "I chooz 2 be gay anyweis. Hevan isnt evan reel!"

"U ned 2 stap gong on tomblor wear a buncha unaducated keds thek they no evarythan and lissen to ur mutter. Haven is reel and our Lord will be pleese goto hell" Zeal sad.

"No Rod is evul and ur a lyar! Toes kedz ar not unadutated they no alot mor then u evar wil becuz their not branwassed by the gavermant 2 be strait" I shatted "NOW SHAT THE FUK UP OR ILL NOK BOTH OF U BICHES UNCONSHUS AGEN!"

Tesla amd Peeta shat up. Son we retuned 2 the Manshun.

"Pittoo wy da hel did u destruct Crakkur Barael" Mastar Hend sed he was watting outcid the frant dore.

"Becauz thats were all the straits congragat" I infirmaried.

"That dosent fukken mater u ned 2 stap bean a hypacret and be mor tolerate and wy da hel r Peech and Zelda tid up" Matter Hump sedd.

"Becuz Gaol wants 2 c tham in her romo" I sid.

"Why" Mustard Hen intagrated.

"I dont fukken no but it sonds impotent nao stap asken me qoestens" I bjorked.

"Ok but u ned tobe punash 2 destoryen Crakkur Barael. So no more maches 4 u untel I say so!" Mastar Han flued of.

"I cant beleaf Mister Hound fukken ded tat!"

"Hes suck a stoooped pick!" Viridi sed. She huged me becuz she new I felt awfel abot my unjoust punashmant. We toke Paech and Zelad 2 Gaols room.

"Ok there her" I sed "why dou want 2 tid up straits in ur room they mite brake free and tire 2 erection rap all the gay mens hear."

"Good Pittoo" Gaol sed "Dont wary about me I hav a gun and Im getin Master Chef 2 be my armed gard (ALL SKULES SHUDNT HAV TO RESURT 2 ARMED TEECHERS AND ARMED GARDS TO KEP US SAF FRUM EVUL PEPLE! SKULE SHULD BE A SAFESPAS 4 EVARYON NAT JEST 4 PRIVALIGED RISH WIPIPO!) Asfor wy I ned thes to well I ned 2 test thins on tham becuz IM GONA ADVENT A CUR 4 STRAITNESS!"


	27. The Search for a Cure (Pit)

Summary: Pittoo and Viridi aid Gaol to find a cure for straightness despite the fact that those "straight" people might actually be bisexual, pansexual or asexual even.

My brother really doesn't think when he writes this stuff...

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Notes: Hey guys, I managed to figure out my brother's newest password! Let's just say it was something predictable yet again. Honestly I don't know why he continues to think rape as a plot device is even acceptable or why he continues to assume all video games revolve around real world politics and religion. I could even ramble on further how his views on religion are very bigoted and narrow-minded but I'll just be beating a dead horse.

Anyways, it's only a week until Viridi's birthday! Pittoo might be more focused in trying to woo her so I might have more chances of trying to gear this story in the right direction. In fact, I might try writing a piece in third person from the perspective of the "atheist" smashers.

PS. For those wondering, I actually despise Donald Trump nor do I affiliate myself with any political party. As a disabled individual, why would I like someone who is wicked and ableist anyways!? It makes little to no sense if you ask me.

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Chapter 25: The Search for a Cure

The next few days passed by as Gaol was on the internet, browsing through tab after tab on Google to find the cure for straightness. While she was generally a sweet woman, Gaol felt obligated to help Pittoo on his narrow-minded conquest otherwise he'll turn on her in a heartbeat, then again that would be extremely rare, seeing how she's probably the only teacher whom he actually likes.

Pittoo and Viridi helped Gaol with her task, browsing through their smartphones as they checked more sources to aid them. Pittoo was excited because of the cure he really didn't need (knowing my brother, he would most likely claim how he doesn't need it because he's already gay) yet he knew it would help a lot of his former friends such as Peach, Zelda, Kamui, Link, Marth, Chrom, and King Dedede. They were all originally atheists even though they had their own religions to begin with yet somehow turned "straight" while he resided in the mansion. While the three were glued to their research, Mario suddenly opened the door.

"Did you develop a cure for Princess Peach yet?" Mario asked. He was unsure why he even said that yet he was most likely affected by Pittoo's sudden arrival. In short, Mr. Nintendo forgot who he originally was.

"I can be your girlfriend Mario," Peach said. Mario winced at the thought of dating Peach even though his franchise clearly demonstrated a platonic relationship between the two.

"That's a no then." Mario frowned before taking off, leaving the room disappointed.

Gaol stated at the computer screen, tapping her chin. She seemed to be confused for a tad moment before turning towards Pittoo and Viridi.

"In order to figure out a cure, I need to know why people turn straight when they're correction raped by straight people. There has to be a reason for it," Gaol said. "Pittoo and Viridi, I'm going to issue you two some extra credit. I will like for both of you to go to the library and gather up as many books as you can find, ones particularly regarding human sexuality."

The two nodded as they left the room, allowing Gaol to sigh at ease. It was almost as if the unwarranted tension disparaged when Pittoo departed.

Pittoo and Viridi walked down the hall, making their way towards the mansion's library. They stepped inside and immediately began searching for books relating to sexuality, particularly the ones about why people turn straight. Master Hand's library was huge for its size, making their task much more difficult than necessarily. Luckily for the two, Crazy Hand happened to be inside.

"Do you know where you brother keeps the books about why people turn straight?" Pittoo asked. Crazy Hand seemed startled by his response, feeling the same tension Gaol felt earlier.

"Yes but he told me not to tell you. Honestly, you need to learn how to be tolerant and not try to change people to please your own needs," Crazy Hand said. Pittoo glared at his response, causing the giant hand to tense up further before the angel sneered. He dug through his pouch, taking out a wad of cash.

"I'll give you money," Pittoo said, bribing him. It was no brainer that Pittoo was born into a wealthy family. While his mother certainly taught him how to think about others, unfortunately he failed to process that, being rather selfish unless it retrained to himself or Viridi. The bribe caused Crazy Hand to change his stance, possibly out of fear of not wanting to deal with Pittoo's temper tantrum.

"Okay, I'll help you." Crazy Hand flew off, coming back with tons of books which they needed to help Gaol with her research. Pittoo handed Crazy Hand his bribe, departing the room with the cart full of books catering to his plot device as Pittoo and Viridi made their way back towards Gaol's room.

When they arrived, Gaol quietly sighed, knowing the short peace ended the moment Pittoo arrived back into her room. She looked through the books, observing them as she grinned.

"Yes! These books will help," she exclaimed. "Now I need to do some research so bring me back something from Starbucks."

Pittoo departed with Viridi as Cloud and Fiora tagged along on the way to Starbucks. They went to get some coffee along with a snack before ordering Gaol's food, informing every one of her good deeds. The baristas were confused at first before going along with Pittoo's nonsense, giving Gaol's order for free because she was working on a good cause and they said they would help in any way they could. Afterwards, they brought back Gaol her free meal.

"While you guys were gone, I found out something important," Gaol stated. "Samus, Captain Falcon and Rosalina weren't turned straight by rape but by the government vaccine!"

"Oh yeah!" Pittoo remembered that tidbit or rather, it came along with him during his arrival in the mansion when he took over the real Dark Pit. As sad as it was, the only ones who retained their memories were Master Hand and Crazy Hand as the two wondered what went wrong with their tournament.

"In order to create a cure for straightness, we need to obtain the vaccine from the government, reverse its formula so it cures people instead of making them straight," Gaol explained. "I need to research this some more after I eat."

She ate the food they brought from Starbucks before returning to her work. A few days later, Gaol found out more about the vaccine.

"So guys, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I managed to pick up the vaccine's current location," she said. "You need to get it so I can find out what's inside so I can reverse its formula and cure straightness."

"That can easily be done," Pittoo said.

"What's the bad news?" Viridi asked.

"The bad news is Donald Trump keeps the vaccine inside a secret room in the white house next to his plans of talking over Nintendo World, repealing Obamacare and making slavery legal once again. Due to it being top secret, no one really knows about its whereabouts so it'll be hard to track. He will try to stop you because the white house is his current residence," Gaol explained thoroughly. "You need to use stealth to break in and get the vaccine, so I recommend you only bring a few allies with you."

Pittoo decided to bring Viridi, Cloud and Fiora with him. They had to sneak into the white house.

In another room, Master Hand and Crazy Hand were discussing things with one another. They observed the four pictures in their room, consisting of the original smashers as the Nintendo World tournament grew in both roster size and popularity over the years. A sigh escaped Master Hand as his fingers slumped.

"You miss the old days too brother?" Crazy Hand guessed.

"That I do," Master Hand replied. "Nothing has been the same since the day Dark Pit started acting strange. We used to have countless matches lined every single day for the smashers to train and practice their skills yet now everything is going down the train."

"I know what you mean," Crazy Hand said. "I've noticed it too. Since that day, everyone doesn't seem to be themselves anymore. They've lost their way. Instead of remembering their roots and origins, the smashers have become more accustomed to both the religion and politics of the real world, particularly American politics."

Master Hand kept quiet for a moment before coming up with an idea.

"Perhaps there is a way to fix all of this," Master Hand said. "It's not going to be easy but we're going to have to do some research on the real world, study our fans and see if someone managed to stumble inside our world on accident."

"You may be onto something," Crazy Hand said. "We may be able to gather up clues if we talk to some of the "Christian" smashers."

Master Hand nodded. While Pittoo and his small gang got ready to journey to the white house, Master Hand decided to see if he could arrange a meeting with Palutena in Subspace without Pittoo catching on. He knew his time for research was limited yet it was the only hope he had left in restoring things back to the way they were.


	28. Sneaking Into the White House

Summary: Pittoo invades the White House

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Notes: Hello again everyone! I had to change my password YET AGAIN BECAUSE STUPID PITSTAIN GOT INTO MY ACCOUNT AGAIN!

Everything he says is a lie, so don't believe him! Pitstain secretly loves Donald Trump because HE'S A STRAIGHT CIS CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN MALE! Anyways with that being said, let me resume on with my news.

I'm so excited because it's only one week until Viridi's birthday! I hope she likes what I got her. Now if only Pitstain can stop hacking my story, then everything will be fine.

 **[I am sure some of you have caught on that I am leaving in some errors on purpose, particularly the misspelling of names that made me laugh hard from the raw. I might read back and fix some unintentional typos. In the meantime, you guys know the drill. Transcribed version at the top, original raw which reads like a trollfic at the bottom.]**

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CHAP 26: SNEAKING INTO THE WHITE HOUSE

That night, Viridi, Cloud, Fiora and I went into the White (MORE LIKE LIE) House in Washington, DC. We had to think of a plan to sneak inside. We went to the Starbucks in the city to talk about our plan because anywhere else would cause conservatives to eavesdrop on us and warn Donald Trump.

Suddenly as we were talking, Senators Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren along with Former Presidential Nominee Hillary Clinton walked into the fine coffee establishment.

"Hi Pittoo," Bernie Sanders said.

"Hi guys," I said.

"Darwin told us what you all were doing and asked us to help you break into the white house," Hillary Clinton said.

"Yes! We also need to get the plans to prevent Trump from abolishing the anti-slavery law to make black, Latinos and Asian people all slaves for the white people," Senator Sanders said.

"Of course Trump would want that." I grimaced. "Gaol said they're in the same room."

"Okay," Senator Warren said.

After that, we all went to the white house and entered through the front door. Suddenly a bunch of conservatives attacked us! Viridi, Cloud, Fiora, Clinton, Warren and I started fighting them. But theen Sanders pulled out a new law which said rich people had to pay more taxes to help with the poor neighborhoods and poor people because conservatives are rich and greedy with a lot of money and claim to help people but ONLY HELP THE WHITE PEOPLE! Then we looked for Donald Turnap's oval office because that led us to The Room. Suddenly Donald Brump came out of the room, wearing pajamas with pictures of Putin, Bannon, and Pepe the Frog, all with hearts around them.

"Hey what are you doing in my house!?" he said.

"Where is the vaccine that causes straightness!? Tell us or we'll beat the fucking shit out of you!" I yelled.

Suddenly Donald Trump pulled out a golden shower! He was fighting with his dick! It was weird that he was fighting with his dick but then again, I should have known Donald Taurds likes golden showers from Russian prostitutes.

"Go find the room! I'll fight the pissadent!" I told Viridi and everyone else. Then I started fighting Donald Treemap. We fought our way to the room in the white house. We were equally matched.

"How are you doing this!?" I questioned. My Silver Blades didn't cut through his dick.

"Because my dick is made out of gold," Trump replied.

"Ew that's disgusting!" I gagged. Trump laughed.

"Give up Pittoo! You will lose!" Trump said.

"No Trump! I will beat you because Darwin is on my side!" I said.

"No! I'm going to knock you unconscious and then get a straight woman to rape you so you'll be an evil straight like your brother Pit," Trump said.

"Why do you want everyone to turn straight, that would be boring!" I said. But then the unexpected happened! Melania Trump ran in and pulled off "her" entire body and revealed that she was... PITSTAIN!? WHAT THE FUCK!

"What the fuck?!" I screamed. I knew Pit wasn't trans and was a CIS white male but I didn't know he was married to Trump.

"Now you know the truth," Danal Trump said.

"But how did you have Barron?" I asked.

"Truth be told, he is the first clone of Donald made by Miss Pandora in the future when American is advanced in technology. I picked him up with our time machine to take him back to the past," Pit explained. "LOL I'm not married to Trump, I'm just filling in for Putin."

"Pit don't tell Pittoo about our time machine or Melania's secret!" Donald Trump said. "It was a gift from God!"

"So Melania is actually Putin?!" I gasped.

"Yes," Pit said like the stupid idiot he was. Trump slapped himself.

"Pit, you dumbass!" he said.

"It's okay. Weren't you going to defeat him and find a straight woman to rape him soon anyways?" Pit said. "You know Mom said only I was the one who was to ejaculate the cure in my brother."

"Damn that Palutena!" Trump cried.

Before I could do anything, Pit jumped in front of Trump.

"PITTOO!" he shouted. "I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU MAKING FUN OF ME! THAT'S IT! I WILL NOW BANISH YOU INTO THE PITS OF HELL!"

Pit murmured some words as a portal opened up and sucked me inside. I absolutely forgot Rod gave him the power to banish gays to hell.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I cried.

Suddenly Viridi, Cloud, Fiora, Sanders, Warren and Clinton ran past the door.

"We got the vaccine and the plans to undo slavery!" they said. Viridi noticed I wasn't in the room.

"What did you do to Pittoo?" she said.

"I sent him TO HELL!" Pit said. While Pit bide their time, Donald Trump ran away and took off into Subspace World. Unfortunately I couldn't tell them the dark secret I learned because I was on the highway to hell.

"Now give us the plans and vaccine. We'll take the vaccine to Gaol and make the plans public so we can add more to help impeach Trump and his possible lover Putin and foil their evil plans," Sanders said. So Viridi gave the plans and the vaccine to the two liberal politicians and former presidential nominee Clitoris but they started laughing evilly. They ripped off their masks and reveled that they weren't the real Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton at all! They were Phosphora, Palutena and Linkle in disguise!

"Where are the real people!?" Viridi questioned.

"We trapped them in Subspace! Soon Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin will brainwash them and turn them into Russian spies for the Republican Party," Phosphora said.

"We have to save them!" Cloud said.

"You'll have to fight us first!" Linkle said. She tossed the plans along with the vaccine to Palutena who ran away with them.

"No! Let me handle this!" Pit flew back in. "Linkle, you go with the others!"

"No!" Linkle said. "I'll help you conquer these gay bastards once and for all!"

"Okay," Pit said. Pit and Link's evil clone are tag teaming together!

Oh no! Would I be able to escape from Hell in time or will Viridi and the other Atheist smashers be turned into straight conservative Christians? Tune in next time to find out!

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 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

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Summary: Pittoo invads the Wii Huse

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Notes: Hello agen everone! I had to chang my paseward YET AGEN BECAZ STOOPID PITSTAIN GOT IN2 MY AKAUNT AGEN!

Everthan he says is a lye so dont belieb hen. Pitstain secretely luvs Duansf Tasdnjp becuz HES A STRAIT CES CONSERCATIV CHRISTEN MULE! Anywas with that bean sade, let me raysam on with my news.

Im so exited becuz its onely 1 week until Viridis Birthday! I hopd she licks what i got her. Now if onale Pitstain can stap haksing my storey than everythan will be fin.

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CHAP 26: SNAKING IN2 THE WHY HAUSE

That nite Mee and Viridi and Clod and Fenao went 2 the Wie (MOR LIK LYE) Hause in Wassentan CD. We hed 2 thank ofa plane 2 sneck incid. We want 2 the Starbawks in the city 2 talk abot r plan becuz anehware elise wod caus conservativs 2 eevsdrap onus and warned Dold Tlump.

Sudanly as we were taking Sinator Burni Sandars and Eelisabath Waron and Fomer Presadantul Nomaney Hilari Clitoris waked in2 the fen koffing estabelsmint.

"Hi Pittoo" Bernad Sumenrs sid.

"Hi guys" I sed.

"Darwin telled us what u al wer dong and assed us 2 halp u broke into the y hause" Helery Cluntan sed.

"Yes we olso ned 2 gete the planes 2 pervert Traump frum abelasheng the anti-slavry law to maek bleck pepal and platanos and the aslans all slavs 2 the wite pipole" Senutar Saunders sed.

"Of carse Tramp wuld want that" I grumace "Gaol sed there in the sam rom."

"Okay" Sinatar Weran sed.

Aftar that we all want 2 the why hose and entred threw the front dore. Suddanly a buncha consercativs atacked us! Me and Viridi and Cod and Flaro and Cliten and Waron stated fitting them. Butthan Sandreas pulled ot a knew low wich sed rich pepol had 2 pay mor texas 2 help with the pore neihbarhuds and the poar pepal becuz conserativs oar gredy and rich with alota munny and clam to help pepol but ONLEY HELP THE WITE POPO! Than wee loked 4 Danold Turnaps ovary oriface becuz that leaded us 2 The Room. Suddonly Donad Brump cam outta a rome wering pajamas with pictars of Putan and Baron and Pipi the Fog al with harts around tham.

"Hey watter u dong in my haus!" he sed.

"Weere is the vaksine that cases straitness! Tellius or well beet the fukken sit outta u!" I yoled.

Soddanly Oland Troomp puled ot a galdon showar! He was fiting with his duck! It was werd that he wuz figting with his deck butthan agen i shuld hav knewn Donadl Taurds liks goldan showars frum Rossan prostates.

"Go find The Room ill fit the pissadent" I tolled Viridi and everone elsa. Than I startad fitting Donadl Treemap. We fot r way 2 the rom in the y hause. We wear equity mashed.

"How ar u dong this" I qostened. My silva bledes didant cut threw his dic.

"Becuz my duck is mad outof guld" Turmp repeled.

"Ew thats dicussing!" I goged. Trmasp laffed.

"Giv up Pittoo u well loose" Taump sed.

"No Tame I well beet u becuz Darwin ison my sid" I saod.

"No Im gonna knok u unconshus and than get a strait wimmen 2 rap u so ull be an evul strait like ur brothar Pit" Trama sed.

"Wy do u went everone 2 tune strait that wode be boran" I sed. Butthan the unaccepted happoned! Mulenia Terump runned in and puled off "her" and reveled that "she" was... PITSTAIN!? WHAT THE FUK!

"Wat the fuk?!" I scamed. I new Pit wasnt tans and wuz a CES wite mail but i didant kno he wuz marrid 2 Tromp.

"No u no the trooth" Danal Truep sed.

"But ho do u hav Beren" I assed.

"Tuth be tald he is the fist clon of Dolan med by Ms Pandora in the futar wen Amorikuh is advonced in techalagie and i puked him up with r tim masheen 2 taek him back 2 the past" Pit sid. "lol im knot merry 2 Tramp Im jest fuling in fore Putan"

"Pit dont tell Sara abot r tim masheen r Mullanas sekret!" Doand Trumap sed "it was a gif from God!"

"So Mulanei is ascholly Pootan?!" I gespad.

"Yes" Pit sade like the stoopid ideot he wuz. Tramp slopped himsalf.

"Pit u domass" he sed.

"Its ok werent u gonna defet him and find a strait wumin 2 rap him son aneway" Pit sed "U kno Mom sade only I wuz the wan who wuz 2 ejaculate the cur in my brutar."

"Dam that Palutena" Tramsp crayoned.

Befor I can do anytan, Pit jomped in the way of Truamp.

"PITTOO!" he shatted. "I AM SIC AND TIRAD OF U MOKAN FUN OF ME! THATS IT! I WILL NOW BANEESH U 2 THE PETS OF HELL!"

Pit mormoned sum wards as a porthole opaned and succed me incid. I absoolutly forgat Rod gav him the powar to banese gays 2 hell.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I crayoned.

Suddanly Viridi and Clad and Firoa and Sandars and Waron and Clenton runned passed the dore.

"we got the vaksine and the planes 2 undo savory" they sed. Viridi notecd I wasant in The Room.

"What did u do 2 Pittoo" she sade.

"I sant him TO HELL!" Pit sed. Wile Pit biled their tim Dold Trom runned away and taked off in2 subspas world. Unfartenately I coldant toll them the dark secrete I lerned becuz I wuz on the highway 2 hale.

"now giv us the planees and the vaksine and well take the vaksine 2 Gaol and make the planes pubic so wecan add moar 2 help impasse Toomap and his passible luver Poutine and fail there evil planes" Sendirs set. So Viridi gav the planes and the vaksine 2 the too librul poletishens and presadant nomanee Clitoris butt they stated laffing evully. They riped of there musks and reviled that they werent the reel Burnie Sandors and Elizobuth Waron and Hiliry Clentan atall! They were Phosphora and Palutena and Linkel in disguys!

"Were r the reel pepole!" Viridi qostened.

"we tarped them in Sunspas and son Dolan Tramp and Vladomer Pootan will branwish tham and tune them in2 Rossan spys 4 the Repubikan Party" Phosphora said.

"We have 2 sav tham!" Clod sed.

"Ull hev 2 fite us firts!" Lankol sed. She throwed the planes and the vaksine 2 Palutena who runned away with them.

"No lettme handel this" Pit flued bak in. "Lonkale u go with the otters!"

"No" Lenakle sade "Ill help u conqar these gay basturds oce and 4 al!"

"ok" Pit sed. Pit and Lunks evil clon ar tag teeming!

Oh no! Wuld I be abel 2 escap frum hale intim or will Viridi and the otter Athist smashars be tuned in2 strait conservativ Christens? Tone in next tim 2 fin OoT!


	29. Escape From Hell Part 1 The Beginning

Summary: Dark Pit wakes up in the pits of HELL!

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Notes: So this month is pride month and its ALL ABOUT THE BEST COMMUNITY EVER, THE QUEER COMMUNITY. Viridi and I get to celebrate our gayness and tell all of the straight disgusting people like Pitstain to fuck off. School is also over and I passed all of my classes. I'm going to miss having Gaol as my English teacher but I'm glad I don't have to see Ms. Pandora ever again.

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CHAP 27: ESCAPE FROM HELL PART 1 THE BEGINNING

After what felt like hours, I finally arrived in hell. It was all hot and stuff like it was described in the stupid book called the Bible IN WHICH ROS ISN'T REAL! A devil like person was waiting for me.

"Welcome to hell Pittoo," he said.

"Wait, Hell isn't supposed to exist," I said.

"What makes you think that?" he said.

"Because God isn't real,"I replied.

The devil man then took a step back and realized I was right. He blinked twice before comprehending the truth.

"As a matter of fact, you're right," he said. "I'm not supposed to exist. The only reason I am here is because of ever since Donald Trump invaded Nintendo World, God was Jason Borne again. I suggest meeting up with Satan to find out more."

It was weird that the fake devil person was working with me before I remembered that Satin hates God as much as I do. Knowing that Viridi and the others were in danger, I had to put my trust into him or else I would let the evil conservatives win and I didn't want that to happen. So I ran down the corridors of Hell and into Satan's lair to meet up with him.

* * *

Summer finally arrived knocking down the corner for everyone. While it indicated a start of a new life for new high school graduates, it was just another day for those in the work force. Palutena was getting ready for another day of work when Pit unexpectedly stepped inside. She turned around and wondered what her son was doing up so early.

"Mom?" he began.

"Yes?" She tilted her head, catching onto how hesitant his voice sounded. Was something up?

"I... I have something to tell you." Pit swallowed hard and paused for a minute. Palutena stared at him. Not once did her gaze move away. He took another deep breath before continuing. "Mom... I don't know how to say this but... I'm gay."

"What?!" Palutena couldn't believe it. She could tell he was expecting immediate rejection or for her to play it off as a phrase, just like she did with her other son. Before Pit knew, Palutena wrapped her arms around him.

"There's nothing wrong with being gay honey," she told him. "In fact, it takes tons of courage to come out, even if the process lasts basically forever."

Pit beamed wide as his mother kissed him on the cheek, told him to go back to bed before taking off for work. As he watched her depart, Pit was surprised at how open-minded his mother was-then again, she always kept her head up high and tried her best. With those words, he decided to go back to bed and catch up on some z's.

* * *

 **RAW VERSION! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!**

* * *

Summary: Dark Pit wokes up in the pats of HALE!

* * *

Notes: So thes moth is pride monh and its ALL ABOT THE BESS CUMMENATIE EVAR, THE QUIRE CUMMANTOAN. Me and Viridi get to calibrate our gayness and tell all of the strait discussing peple lik Pitstain 2 fuk off. Scool is olso ovar and I pased all of my clases. Im gonna miss haven Gaol as my ingles teecher but im glad i dont haf2 cia Ms. Pandora evar agen.

* * *

CHAP 27: ESCAP FORM HALE PART 1 THE BIGONANG

Aftar what folt lick haurs, I finale arivd in hale. It was all hot and stuf liek it was deskriebed in the stoopid buk kaled the Bibal IN WISH ROD ISANT REEL! A deval like persan wuz waten 4 for me.

"Welcum 2 hale Pittoo" he said.

"Weit, Hale isnt saposed 2 exaust" I sade.

"Wat maks u thic tat" he sad.

"Becuz God isant reel" i repeled.

The doval man tig tok a stap back and reelised I wuz rite. He bliked tise b4 cumpahedding the trooth.

"as amata of fac ur rite" he sade "Im not sapasta esesst. Thee only rasen I am hare is becuz of evar sence Donal Tardhp evaded Nentando Wurld, God wuz jasin borne agen. I sogast mating up wif Satan to fed up mor."

It was werd that the fake devul persan wuz werkan with me be4 i remambard that Satin haets God as mush as ido. Knewing that Viridi and the ottars where in danjer I had 2 put my tust in2 hem or elsa i wuld let the evil conservatics win and I didant want tat2 hapen. So i runned down the cacas of Hale and on2 Setans layer 2 met up with him.

* * *

Summer finally arrived knocking down the corner for everyone. While it indicated a start of a new life for new high school graduates, it was just another day for those in the work force. Palutena was getting ready for another day of work when Pit unexpectedly stepped inside. She turned around and wondered what her son was doing up so early.

"Mom?" he began.

"Yes?" She tilted her head, catching onto how hesitant his voice sounded. Was something up?

"I... I have something to tell you." Pit swallowed hard and paused for a minute. Palutena stared at him. Not once did her gaze move away. He took another deep breath before continuing. "Mom... I don't know how to say this but... I'm gay."

"What?!" Palutena couldn't believe it. She could tell he was expecting immediate rejection or for her to play it off as a phrase, just like she did with her other son. Before Pit knew, Palutena wrapped her arms around him.

"There's nothing wrong with being gay honey," she told him. "In fact, it takes tons of courage to come out, even if the process lasts basically forever."

Pit beamed wide as his mother kissed him on the cheek, told him to go back to bed before taking off for work. As he watched her depart, Pit was surprised at how open-minded his mother was-then again, she always kept her head up high and tried her best. With those words, he decided to go back to bed and catch up on some z's.


End file.
